Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Monday, August 24, 2015
2014 - Year In Review
This is the project I work on in that magical period of time when I'm too tired to work on anything meaningful, but not tired enough to sleep, and I'm too sad to masturbate. But, because I'm always masturbating, it's now the middle of 2015, and I should really finish writing about this shit at some point. I haven't seen my family in months, I keep missing work, and I'm running out of excuses. So, back by no demand at all, I bring you 2014, the year in review. Here's a bunch of shit you forgot about already:
Bono may never play guitar again
Let's kick things off with some good news! Bono, that asshole who wears the sunglasses who always looks like he's going to burst into a Gollum impression at any second, that idiot who sings for U2 who sounds like a chimpanzee stretching, he may never play guitar again. Why? He fell off his bike. I didn't read the story thoroughly, so I'm going to assume he fell off a tricycle and went, "I have a boo boo!" and stopped playing guitar. Thank goodness gravity intervened on humanity's behalf on this one. The real news here is that Bono apparently played guitar. Who knew?
Benedict Cumberbatch gets engaged
The news that produced more tears, both female and male, than the drowning horse in The Never Ending Story. I'm not entirely sure why, he looks like a melon achieved sentience that got stung by several bees, and women get wet for this man. At this point I think the whole of space should be considered below sea level.
Gene Simmons wants you to kill yourself
It seems as though Gene Simmons is the type of human being who struggles when it comes to thinking twice. He ran into trouble in 2014 when he told people who suffer from depression to go kill themselves. Shortly after he pissed people off, he essentially went, "No wait, don't actually do it." You were so brazen a second ago, Gene, what happened? In fairness, if you're the type of person who listens to Gene Simmons seriously, perhaps jumping off a building isn't such a bad idea.
Kaley Cuoco isn't a feminist
I'm a little disgusted that this warranted a mention in this article, but it does, because jesus christ, I needed to call women out on this bullshit. Yes I said it. It could have just been normal, flew comfortably under the radar, but people made way too big a deal about it, and here I am. Kaley Cuoco, the blonde girl from that Big Bang show that got old fast, with the last name everyone mumbles, appeared in an interview some time in 2014, where she said she doesn't regard herself as a feminist. Hilariously, Feminism is supposed to be a tool for women to express their opinions without being oppressed and living their lives how they deem fit, among other things, and then women bashed Kaley for not having the "right" opinion or lifestyle choice. Classy move, ladies. It's nice to know these wholesome movements don't at times share alarming similarities with religious cults.
Net Neutrality
Let's all just be honest with ourselves. No one has any idea what the fuck this is. No, don't explain it to me. You don't know either. Stop lying. This subject is literally impossible to make sense of. I could tell you that it means bad things for the internet if you create anything ever, but I don't even know if that's true. I don't know what the fuck would happen if this became a thing we had to deal with. To the best of my knowledge, it would at least change the internet, meaning everyone would suddenly have to look back on the internet right now as, "the good old days". And I don't know, how easy is it to defend the internet? Beyond hover cat, I don't think the internet has much going for it.
Uber!
If you haven't heard about Uber, I hope you didn't come here looking for an explanation. When I first heard about it, I immediately thought "robot cars", so I'm a lost cause here. To the best of my knowledge, it's a smartphone app that turns everyone into potential taxi cabs. I think... I heard about this, because taxi companies the world over were sour as fuck about Uber, arguing that it was "unsafe" and "illegal". Ironically, the two words I would use to describe most taxi drivers perfectly. Despite the hilarity of taxi companies unintentionally describing their business models, Uber is catching on in a big way. It's a trend people have dubbed, "Uberification", because "Ubercation" was taken already.
Gamergate
Well, this happened. Eager to silence the critics that claim children develop violent tendencies thanks to video games, gamers the world over harassed a couple women, for... um, not doing anything at all, really... So far as I know, a women named Zoe Quinn released a game, and then people started threatening to rape her and murder her entire family. You know, they took the reasonable route. After the number of months she'd be harassed for hit the double digits, she left her home after her address was fucking made public, and she hasn't went back yet. Lovely! Some time during all of this, some people realized that maybe threatening to rape this woman was a bad idea, so "Gamergate" is now about corruption in gaming journalism. If that sounds flimsy at best to you, it's because it is.
People were accusing her of ensnaring several gaming journalists with her vagina to garner positive responses to her game, and to forward her scary feminist agenda. Of course, comically simple evidence was released to prove otherwise, but people still parrot the conspiracy as fact. Apparently they're actually trying to have a wholesome discussion, while also discussing the look and smell of Quinn's vagina. No one's blatantly trying to sweep death threats under the rug, not at all. Perhaps the weirdest aspect to this story, is that for some reason, Adam Baldwin started the hashtag #GamerGate.
What the fuck? Tell me if it's weird re-watching FireFly now that it has more of a rapey vibe.
Microsoft buys Nokia
Not as exciting as the headline, "Microsoft Buys Australia", but it's news. Only because we can now all expect Microsoft products to be indestructible and have more battery life than the sun. They've essentially purchased the rights to Ultron.
Push for Commercial Drones
You know those huge military grade paper airplanes that murder people from the sky? Well, apparently some government people are trying to get these to become household objects. That's fucking cool, if you ask me. I've always wanted to go to bed wondering if a fucking bunker buster is going to obliterate the entire block I live on. Jesus christ, do none of these people know what Skynet is?
Alison Redford done goofed
Alison Redford was the premier of Alberta part-time, but a full-time female Geoffrey Rush.
While in office, she sought to introduce policies in Alberta intending to make government spending more transparent. Ironically, when people heard she had travelled to Nelson Mandela's funeral to the tune of $45,000 of taxpayer money, people were understandably upset. The roads in Alberta look like Godzilla teabagged our fucking infrastructure, and this bitch is making it rain at funerals? Amid a growing laundry list of lavish spending habits, after much public pressure, she elected to "quit politics", interestingly a day before a report about her from the fucking Audit General was to be released. Good timing, Alison! It's like you have access to the report a day before everyone else does. The woman really wasn't doing herself any favors when it came to dissuading the public of her relentless fuckery. It's important to remember, however, that she has spent her time in exile in ceaseless introspection, but has mostly spent the time confused how people can just conjure rumours out of thin air like that. And how!
Also, Nelson Mandela is dead. Spoiler alert.
iPhone 6 bending
The iPhone 6 was released in 2014 to eager phone aficionados, otherwise known as people who should maybe question their lifestyle once in a while. The iPhone, becoming more and more like an NHL remake, clearly needed some new features to really set it apart from the iPhone 5. No feature was more obvious than the people at Apple electing to make the phone out of paper, so it would bend like a fucking sandwich when you put it in your pocket. That must have been jarring for the first guy, to suddenly find the letter "C" tucked in his pocket. If I got a boner and it started bending like those spoons in The Matrix, I would freak the fuck out, and my dick is free if you're a brunette. No wonder Steve Jobs got cancer. My favorite part of this story is not imagining the conversations between technicians before and after, it's about the two kids who went into an Apple store, and decided that breaking a bunch of merchandise on camera was a smart idea. They tried to blame their actions on Apple for releasing a shitty product, like Apple used fucking voodoo magic and possessed them to do it. That's like robbing a convenience store and blaming the clerk for stocking the shelves. See? This is what happens when you don't beat your children.
Bill Cosby is probably a rapist
I'll admit, I had no real idea who Bill Cosby was beyond the numerous impersonations of him. I always assumed that made him important in some way, or just stupid. Now all I know about him is that he's a bit rapey. That has a way of clouding whatever else you did in life. Supposedly, the man has sexually assaulted more people than there are people on earth, meaning the man has more rapes under his belt than Meryl Streep has oscars. Spearheading the outrage, weirdly was Judd Apatow. I guess news of rape doesn't make any headway without a man's intervention. Thank god we can turn to Judd Apatow in times of need. You're right, Judd. Guys who rape a lot are NOT cool! One day, when I am gripped by crushing sadness, I will seek your guidance so I can make sense of everything. Thank you, Judd. Our saviour. Now, Cosby is simply waiting for and wanting his day in court. It's not going to be just one day, Mr. Cosby.
Hover board
The invention that will surely frustrate mall security and sign makers the world over. Apparently someone got a little bit too inspired in the best way when they watched Back To The Future, and created a fucking hover board. The ultimate, "Why the fuck not?" invention of 2014. Naturally Tony Hawk was the first to ride it. Early reports are coming in that Mr. Hawk will be the first to ride the Silver Surfer's board into deep space.
No Oscar For Leo
The Oscars for Leo must be a lot like a game of keep away. Inception? More like INTERCEPTION! Haha, you fucking suck, Leonardo. I would say something disingenuous like "poor guy", but I doubt Leonardo DiCaprio struggles very often in life. It'll be interesting if and when the dude actually wins an Oscar. Realistically we'll all be terribly underwhelmed, or a black hole will swallow the earth, and all we'll see in the darkness is a sign that reads, "Level 2".
All-women law firm
Well, it appears the things women do aren't front page news, unless they're being raped or oppressed against, which men feel is far too often. It's so inconvenient. I had to dig for this piece of news. Apparently, some ladies opened up an all-women law firm in motherfucking Saudi Arabia. Yes, the place no one wants to be unless you want to experience a car bomb or the resulting shrapnel. No doubt this news struck the 9 men who read about it, as they immediately complained of reverse-sexism. Make a law firm that excludes men on purpose? The nerve!
Derek Jeter
I find shit swirling in a bowl to be more interesting to watch than baseball, so I have no idea who Derek Jeter is. This knowledge hasn't been of benefit to me either. He was just some guy who hit a ball with a stick and ran and stuff, and now he doesn't play anymore. Good for you, Derek. Why the fuck is this here? Why do I write about this shit each year? Goddamnit.
The World Cup happened
The World Cup took place in 2014, the sporting event that divides people into two groups: people who imagine they're actually from the country they're cheering for, and people who take the sport far too seriously. No where on earth do people take soccer more seriously than in Brazil. Like that time when the referee murdered a kid in Brazil during a soccer game, on the field itself, maybe when the kid was protesting a yellow card, I don't know, only to find himself chopped into pieces shortly afterwards. That was going to be one of the top stories this year, but the story was missing some crucial pieces to warrant a mention.
If you thought a severed head on a stick raised some eyebrows and made people a little twitchy, there was also the riots that stemmed from the government spending obscene amounts of money making the country soccer-ready. You'd think Alison Redford was their financial adviser. They built a stadium in such a hopelessly secluded part of the country, Survivor Man would fucking bump into it. It cost 270 million dollars to build, it was only used four times, and now it's been abandoned like that Amityville shit. It was built in a place that's literally labelled "You Shouldn't Be Here" on a map, while most of the country is in poverty and starving.
Then Germany, always armed with good ideas, bent the Brazilian team over a table and spanked its ass, 7-1. Holy shit. I've seen vending machines beaten less. In the 1950's, Brazil lost to Uruguay, and some fans were so devastated, they threw themselves off the fucking stadium. Tension in Brazil was at an all time high, I half expected the fans to summon a meteor and nuke the stadium. Then nothing happened, it was totally fine. Brazilian people cried, partly because they're named after vagina waxing, and some old guy gave a trophy to a girl who definitely blew him after.
Oscar selfie
Ellen Degeneres hosted the oscars this year, making the oscars about as entertaining as cleaning grout lines. Sometime during the evening, Bradley Cooper discovered how to use a phone, took a selfie with some well known actors, and people went absolutely apeshit. I don't know why. I assume no one knows what Google is, or magazines. I just hope the guy set his phone to silent for the evening, or he's an asshole.
Burger King buys Tim Hortons
This must be what republicans feel about interracial marriage.
Republicans win control of the US Senate
I have no idea what this means. Really, politics is the most boring fucking shit on the face of the earth, it's like watching an Aloe plant get a boner, yet TIME magazine listed this as a top story of 2014. Someone out there went ape shit over this news. This means something to someone. I'm going to assume it's important and leave it here. The only thing that's actually neat about politics, is the fact that Donald Trump is a republican, and is currently running for president. If he wins, tell me that wouldn't be a beautiful work of art, like his hair that looks like a broom used conditioner, and it's held in place with wet scotch tape.
Scottish Independence
So the Scottish voted on their independence some time last year, news that struck the world, while no one had any understanding of what was actually happening. I'm pretty sure most people in Scotland didn't know what was happening, possibly because they were too drunk to care. I myself was pleasantly surprised to learn that Scotland is actually connected to Britain. I had no idea, I thought it was just a rock in the ocean where we left all the sheep and drunk people. In the end, the Scots are still attached to the English. Sad, I was hoping to watch live footage of the Scots digging their own country out, separating from the UK entirely, and ending up in the Gulf of Mexico.
Ottawa soldier
There was a shooting in Canada this year, marking the only known violence in Canada since short white people decided to go clubbing and get angry at people. The news shocked the world, particularly America, who were left stunned to realize that there is a place called Canada to the north, and it's more than just Toronto.
Australian cafe siege
I know this means that I can't go to heaven, but to lessen the impact of this news, I like to imagine that a huge spider held people hostage in that cafe.
Jian Ghomeshi
I'll be honest. I had no idea who this guy was until his rapey vibes got him in shit. Apparently he had a popular radio show, which I assume aired in the intervening period between one commercial and the next. I guess people still listen to radio, who knew? I think the guy is a comedic genius, honestly. It takes a special kind of person to write an emotional Facebook post to try and clear your good name, while having the image of yourself randomly dry humping some lady leaning over a desk the whole time. I'm not sure how he expected that to go exactly. You're not that famous that you'll just get sent to rehab, dude. Jesus, what is it with 2014 and being so rapey?
GM
General Motors had an interesting 2014 that involved recalling something like 30 million cars world wide. Why? Look no further than GM's rendition of The Fault in Our Stars with The Many Faults in Our Cars. The story goes that there was a problem in the vehicles that caused the fucking engine to shut off at random, and the airbags wouldn't deploy. Yes, in a several hundred pound missile on wheels, what we want is for the engine to cut off, and for the airbags to be faulty, so that I may share more in the delight of collisions. I know I'm eager to surrender custody of my life to the hidden x-lax brownie of the vehicle world. The best part is that the issue was known for more than a decade, and GM did nothing to fix it, I assume because they're into collateral damage and flat children.
Same-Sex Marriage on the move!
Gay marriage is picking up steam beyond sauna fantasy porn, and in 2014, the gay movement has shown significant signs of improvement. Now you can get married in like 36 states in the US! You can't get married at all in Russia, so be happy with what you get. You're treated somewhat like human beings now. Yay! Keep it up, guys!
Sochi winter olympics
Speaking of Russia, the winter olympics were held in Russia this year, in the wake of Russia's anti-gay law. That made more than a few people uncomfortable, while simultaneously forgetting that gay people still have some of their rights oppressed in the very country they live in. Way to take the moral high ground there, America. There was also reports of the olympics being the target of a terrorist attack, that was awkward too. Also, it's fucking Russia, so that always makes it weird. Then nothing happened. It was a bit like NASCAR without a crash. Fucking BOO, terrorists.
John Oliver
John Oliver, the man who I was certain put a book down his pants in Notting Hill, got his own show where he makes fun of news, and watches you masturbate. You know there's at least one person getting off to his show at all times. He has joined the several hundred other shows devoted to news mockery, placing him comfortably in the category of things I don't care about, like shaving my ass, for instance. Then he made a video about Net Neutrality that rocketed him to fame almost immediately, and suddenly it appears he reports on news more effectively than the news. He also looks like the reflection of Dobby from Harry Potter in a spoon, so he's in my good books. Well done, John. If you happen to be reading this, feel free to take me on as a highly paid humor consultant and exploit my genius for your own means. I'm Canadian, though, we spell some words with a "U" in them. It's fucking weird.
Philip Seymour Hoffman died
This dude died in 2014, yet he's appearing in movies in 2015. This is some creepy Tupac shit. People remember Hoffman for his role as Truman Capote in the movie called Capote that I didn't like. I personally remember him from Twister. Yeah, that fucking shit in 1996 where we all worried about the dog at the beginning, and laughed at that idiot dad who got sucked into the tornado instead.
Shirley Temple
I kept hearing this name every where growing up. I thought it was a drink, but I guess it was also a person the whole time. Huh. You learn something new every day! Well, she's dead now.
Celebrities go to space
Commercial space travel. The thing we've heard more about than jetpacks for the last five years, much to my dismay, is the most misleading tourist attraction for rich people. This stupid bullshit made some headway in 2014, I assume they're past the point of telling people to stand on a tall building and jump up and down. It's misleading because you "technically" go to space. You don't travel to the moon, no, you just kind of skirt the edge of our atmosphere. Fucking Felix Baumgartner did that in a balloon, I'm not impressed. How much would it kill you to travel just a little bit further? This made headlines because Katy Perry "travelled to space" in 2014, making me wonder why they didn't just throw her out there. I assume her tits would cause some sort of dramatic orbital shift and throw off the world clock.
Colbert Report ends
The man who so brilliantly sat down, said words, and at random intervals, performed something that sort of resembled comedy, had a show that I never watched, and will never randomly stumble upon again. So there's that, I guess.
Dalhousie University
This must have been a slow news day, because for some reason, a group of men having a fucked up sense of humor made headlines. Apparently some kids made a Facebook group and asked each other questions such as, "Who would you hate fuck?" and "Does this rag smell of chloroform to you?" I question their collective decision to make the group public and to ask those questions about fellow female students, but I don't understand why people thought this was a big deal. To put this in perspective, the officers that arrested Jeffrey Dahmer had less of a reaction than this. If they were actually running around and raping people, that's another thing, but offensive jokes between friends? I guarantee your kid is typing worse shit in a comments section somewhere, but these kids got suspended anyway. You might as well go and suspend your fucking uncle. They nearly got kicked out of the school as well, as the parents of the "targets" were "deeply scared for their child's safety". Give me a fucking break, all of those parents grew up with Elvis and The Beatles. They've all had worse conversations through the ball gag they all wore.
Oh, and as for you stupid assholes at Dalhousie? Please. After you hate fuck someone, you have to dump the body. Amateurs.
Vince Weiguang Li released
If this name doesn't ring a bell, what's your first thought when you think, "Greyhound"? Yes, this is the guy who severed a head and ate parts of it while riding the Greyhound through Canada. He claimed he was simply attacking an alien, frankly missing out on a golden opportunity to really stick it to Greyhound with a bad customer satisfaction review, in my opinion. Greyhound: So Terrible, You'll Eat Someone. His release is particularly noteworthy, because he's been granted the privilege of unsupervised walking around... in the very city he commited the crime in. That should send more chills down your spine than a spider crawling in your dick hole. In fairness, I don't know if he's capable of doing much worse. He kind of set the bar a little high there, and he was trying to rid the world of aliens. I'm sure it'll be fine!
SWATTING becomes a thing
If you're not familiar with video games, you're a piece of shit. So there's this website called Twitch, which allows gamers to stream their gaming sessions live to the world, or to the three people who are vaguely interested at the time, statistically making it more popular than Superbowl parties. It's a haven for those eager to abandon their non-existant social lives, and the chat rooms are enlivened by sociopaths who have all been given copies of Mein Kampf. Usually these are just stupid assholes who point out what you look like as a supposed negative, but some people crossed the line in 2014. They would find where a popular streamer lives, call the local authories, and report a bomb threat, or the evergreen hostage situation at their address. The cops kind of have to take that shit seriously, so the actual SWAT team shows up, with actual fucking assault weapons, and clear every room, including the one with the camera that's streaming. Why? So people can kind of just... react to it... I really wish these people would just stick to torturing small animals.
This made headlines in 2014 because some kid got 25 years in prison for doing it. I learned the story was total bullshit during my celebrations, sadly, meaning that sometimes in life, there are horrible, stupid people out there, and they'll get away with equally horrible, stupid shit at the expense of others. But if you smoke a joint, you're fucked for life. Makes sense.
North Korea hacks Sony
North Korea always tries to insert itself into our news stream at least once a year, and they'll be damned if they don't do something ridiculous to deserve it. It's honestly impossible for North Korea to not be interesting. They will forever succeed at being accidentally entertaining. Did you know they built a city near the demilitarized zone; a massive, lavish city, and no one fucking lives there? They built it to try and convince South Koreans that the North side of the country was prosperous and that they should defect, not realizing that they might own binoculars. It's literally a ghost town. That Kim dude gets drunk and writes this shit on napkins, it's amazing.
Anyway, trying desperately to be taken seriously, Kimmy Boy decided to hack Sony in lieu of Seth Rogan's new ignorable comedy, "The Interview". In the movie, there's a plot by the CIA or whatever to assassinate Kim Jong-un, and Seth Rogan's laugh continues to make everyone uncomfortable. For years we've been subject to movies like Eagle Eye and Live Free or Die hard, gripped to our seats, shown the terror of cyber warfare, the battle field for the future. Then it finally happened, and it was mostly just sad and awkward to watch. Nobody knew anything, and nobody could find anything, like a playground full of children, and the teacher can't figure out who pissed in the slide.
Ebola
Much like SARS and Swine Flu before it, Ebola was the new scary... thing that was scary for all of a lunch hour before everyone stopped giving a shit about it. It was ok when it was contained in Africa, because nobody cares what happens in Africa. Seriously, no one cares. I can prove it too. Ebola actually surfaced way back in the 70's, and I guarantee you didn't hear shit about it until it sort of became a problem to us, which is what happened when a nurse contracted Ebola in Dallas. This was a result of her treating a guy who lied to everyone imaginable just so he could get back to the States, knowingly carrying Ebola. Sure, they'll let fucking patient zero through airport security, but throw out my fucking sunscreen before my trip to Vegas.
I do have one point of concern here. How does one contract Ebola exactly? I heard it was if you came into contact with bodily fluids from an infected person. What exactly was this nurse doing to treat this patient, sucking his dick and tonguing his asshole? Also, if you contract Ebola, apparently you just shit yourself to death, meaning this is technically the Taco Bell virus.
Russia annexes Crimea
Russia, further trying to cement itself as the biggest asshole in history, decided that a part of Ukraine belonged to them, and they just kind of took it, a bit like an older sibling stealing your toy fire truck, but with more gunfire. People shot at each other, and the world got angry at Russia and stuff. It's slightly more complicated than that, but that's exactly what happened. If anyone tries to explain to you exactly what went down, they're pretending like they know what happened. Don't listen to them. It's not interesting enough to know anyway.
Shia LaBoeuf performance art
I care about celebrities as much as I care about the opinions of children, but you can't deny that sometimes they take great strides to make the paparazzi cum. Shia LaBoeuf is noteworthy for his exceptional effort in 2014, stampeding head first with no plan into utter stupidity. First he summoned his inner high school student, and blatantly stole someone's work. He later apologized for it, and then it came to light that he plagiarized the fucking apology. Unable to stop himself, he got arrested, then he did a performance art piece, which was him sitting in a room, and one by one, people who come in and they could do whatever they wanted to him. Y'know, because people believe celebrities owe them things. Shia claims he was raped during the performance, which was less important news than the fact that he stole the idea for the performance art as well. There's a point to be made there, but all I can assume is that Bill Cosby must have paid the exhibit a visit.
Gaza Strip
Ah, the Gaza Strip. The place that could only be more crazy if it started eating macaroni out of sock, and a cuddly vacation spot if you're on a budget. A lot of shit went down in the Gaza Strip in 2014, none of which I'm prepared to discuss here. Partly because I didn't bother to research this at all, but mostly because I don't care. If I could talk to the people in the Gaza Strip, I would tactfully remind them that they live in the Gaza Strip. Whatever they're fighting for honestly can't be that lavish and important.
Guardians of The Galaxy
Marvel released yet another superhero movie in 2014 to the masses of people slowly growing tired of all these fucking superhero movies. It's a bit like seeing Jennifer Aniston in the tabloids too much. She's reaching her expiry date quickly, give it up already. But as it turns out, the movie was pretty fucking great, instantly making it ineligible for best picture. There hasn't been a movie involving a tree and an animal this popular since Winnie the Pooh. That's because Pooh Bear didn't have lasers, space travel, and green tits.
Malaysia Airlines disappears
It's like the whole fucking airplane was the victim of a mob hit. They should look for it in the east river at this point. This airline officially loses more planes than luggage.
Malaysia Airlines crashes in Ukraine
You think the economy is hurting you? Just think of these poor bastards. Those performance review meetings must have been awfully silent for a while. I would say they need a serious rebrand to be taken seriously, but a guy got his fucking head chopped off on the Greyhound and they're still in business. They'll be fine. Still, there's no denying they had a rough 2014. Probably not as rough as the passengers of these flights, but you know what I mean. First was the aforementioned losing an entire fucking plane incident, like something out of Ocean's Eleven, and then another plane got shot down by rebel forces in Ukraine. Honestly though, I don't have much sympathy for this particular plane or its passengers. What the hell are you doing flying to Ukraine? Really now. That's like flying to China and not expecting to get diarrhea. Now it's up in the air at this point whether or not the first or second plane landed closer to its destination.
Guy gets eaten by Anaconda on Discovery
... why?
Oscar Pistorious found not guilty
The man who is 1/10th Terminator was found not guilty in 2014 for shooting his girlfriend after she took too long to get ready. Good to know that should my girlfriend ever lock herself in the bathroom, I can shoot her 8 times through the door, claim it was a robber, and get off scott-free. Seriously, that's a thing. It's called "Culpable Homicide". It's basically when you shoot someone in the head and say, "Just kidding" and the justice system just kind of shrugs.
We landed on a comet!
Holy shit! Someone got way too in to Armageddon when they were younger, and decided to land a robot on a fucking comet. This is easily one of the most amazing accomplishments in human history, but it was noteworthy mostly because one of the guys who was involved in the project wore a shirt covered in naked ladies to the press conference. Feminists bashed the guy for his taste in fashion, not finding it the least bit ironic that they were judging someone for what they were wearing. Never mind that the artist who designed the shirt was female, and did so as a celebration of the human body, or that we landed on a fucking comet or anything. Let's react how my father does when people wear hats at the table. Though in fairness, don't wear hats at the table, what the fuck is wrong with you? And use a napkin.
Dude trips on rug while skating
It's stories like these that make me want to become a journalist. I won't get into it for the same reasons those creepy paparazzi people do, obsessed with reporting on how celebrities have facial expressions and fuck sometimes. No, I want to revel in the tragedy of others, and watch stories write themselves. This guy was skating around on a hockey rink, singing the national anthem, and somehow forgot that there was carpet present on the ice, and he tripped all up on it like a bitch, proving forever more that life is never so bad that you can't trip on a rug and face plant. That's what you get for showing off, asshole.
Michael Sam is totally gay
This story was pure entertainment for me, but was met with immense shock, sheer disgust, and profound confusion for heterosexual athletes and fat sports analysts everywhere. It was entertaining for me, because it's like the NFL collectively forgot about that time when black people weren't allowed to play football. Also, Michael Sam is simply an openly gay athlete. There are many more, lying in wait, ready to abuse your ass in a rough, yet comforting way. They do that, y'know. This really shouldn't have been too much of a culture shock. The amount of gay shit that must go down in those supposedly masculine, testosterone filled locker rooms? Even Freddie Mercury would have been like, "That's pretty fucking gay."
French Toast Crunch to return to shelves!
It was hinted at a few times that the cereal your mother never bought you would return to shelves at some point, but never would, making French Toast Crunch the cereal equivalent of ABBA. But then it was announced it would actually return to shelves in 2015, bringing joy to the what, five people who ate that shit? Great, now the new generation can understand why they stopped making it. How about you just go and make your own french toast, you ever think about that?
Buffalo snow storm
Eager to make people realize that maybe climate change is real, Mother Nature elected to completely bury Buffalo in snow. That's right. Snow sucks, doesn't it America? Enjoy Canadian weather now, you fat idiots. Buffalo looked exactly like how your parents always described their Beowulf-esque journeys to school every morning, fraught with peril and sticks and giant bears. They had to dig out of their houses, and walk in 8 feet of show! So much snow landed in Buffalo that it's still melting to this day. I've seen glaciers melt faster than that. Shout out to global warming!
Robin Williams dies
I'll be honest, I've been more upset about dropping pizza on the floor than I was about Robin Williams dying.
Celebrity nude photos
Yes, the celebrity nude photo scandal! The collection of pictures nearly as popular as Pokemon. It started off with naked photos of Jennifer Lawrence appearing online, which then snowballed into madness. Soon, more photos of more celebrities like Elizabeth Banks were released. Kirsten Dunst as well, news that would have been exciting 10 years ago. People were clearly divided into two parties concerning this issue. Some people were saying celebrities and people who take such photos deserve it, while others described it as a sexy crime, all the while missing the important point. No naked pictures of Emma Watson surfaced, and that sucked.
... what? You were all thinking it too.
ALS icebucket challenge
Well, this certainly grabbed attention for a while. Remember that thing you'd see every single fucking day, videos of people dumping ice water on their heads? Yes, the ALS icebucket challenge, which wasn't so much a challenge as it was refreshing, and a brief inconvenience for previously dry human beings. Hilariously, it ended up raising millions of dollars for ALS research, and financing new vending machines in their buildings. Finally, a way to raise money equally as productive as raising money for ball cancer research, where you basically just sit there and look like you should stay away from playgrounds.
The people who weren't invited to partake in the challenge naturally tried to find ways to tear down the challenge. They complained that it was a blatant waste of fresh water, something a great deal of the world's population doesn't have access to. I like to imagine many of those people wrote their complaints from their cellphone while shitting in something a great deal of the world's population doesn't have access to. Way to take the moral high ground there, you fucking idiots.
Donald Sterling and Ray Rice
I decided to group these together because they were released at what felt like the exact same time, I assume in an effort to see if they would cancel each other out. So there's this guy named Donald Sterling who owned a basketball team of some kind, and as it turns out, he was kind of a racist, news that surprised no one, yet offended everyone. Who could have guessed? A fat old white guy who turns out to be racist. Golly gee. Next I'll bet you're going to tell me that women can fart. After that largely ignorable story, there was this guy named Ray Rice who was caught slamming his wife's face into the side of an elevator, I assume after a disagreement about dinner. To quickly recap, we have racism, sexism, and domestic violence, all checked off. I'm not sure if even Hitler managed that. Had he paused on the whole oven thing, maybe he could have kept better score, I don't know.
The best part about this whole ordeal was when the NFL released the tape of the elevator destruction, saying how despicable it was and how they wouldn't stand for any of it, when it was later revealed that they had the tape for several months, but decided to sweep it under the rug for Ray's benefit. I'll bet that was awkward for a second.
Joan Rivers died
I have no idea who this woman was. A magazine told me she was important. To the best of my knowledge, she died as she lived, as a professional cunt.
Kim Kardashian "breaks internet"
If you didn't know, Kim Kardashian, that idiot who is famous for no reason anyone can decipher, "broke the internet" by taking a picture of her ass cheeks. Yes, this woman is so deluded that she truly believes her glistening ass has such an appreciable effect on the internet that it causes it to fracture. Bitch, do you have any idea how much porn there is out there? There is more porn out there than there are stars in the universe, and at this point, the variety is more creative than disturbing. Your ass smells like eggs, and your husband is a greasy forehead fucking stupid asshole. Emma Watson could wear a three piece suit and make a bigger dent in the internet than your shitty ass, especially if she ate a banana. I hope you and your stupid family get kicked in the cunt by a kangaroo.
Fuck her right in the pussy
The brief interview everyone took seriously in 2014. That's right, it was a hoax, just like climate change and Sandy Hook. It's sad though. It's not half bad relationship advice.
Water found on Mars
They found water on Mars. Again. Just to let you know.
Guy throws snake at employee after Tim Hortons dispute
When I first read this headline, my nipples burst through my shirt in excitement. I won't even tell you what happened when I found out there was video of it too. Of course, after I'd watched it, I felt like my parents must have looking at my report cards from high school. Disappointment. I was expecting a python or a cobra, maybe the guy serenaded it out of a basket with a flute and ordered it to strike, but it was just a little garden snake. I personally feel that if you want to throw a fucking snake at someone, you have to go all out, or for a nominal fee, I'd be happy to whip my penis out at your request.
Ferguson
To quickly recap what happened in Ferguson, it all started with a black man named Michael Brown getting shot by a white man who looks like he was breast fed until he was 23. Then we all learned that there was a place called "Ferguson" in a place called "Missouri". After the whole murder thing, people lost their shit harder than a city who just lost the Stanley cup. People were rioting violently, and for some reason people started looting around the scene of the crime. Hey, just because someone gets shot, doesn't mean you can just pass up on a free blender. Then the police sent out riot squads, and unnecessarily heavily militarized police to maintain order. What you probably didn't know, and this is interesting to me, the riots occurred in waves. The first wave happened in August and it lasted a couple weeks, with news outlets mistakenly swapping out footage of the Gaza Strip and Crimea and not noticing. Then a second wave occurred towards the end of November, admittedly not the worst excuse to get early Christmas shopping done. Oh, and the white cop didn't get in trouble, so there's that. I can't help but feel that Ferguson must be really awkward right now...
Eric Garner
If you don't remember, this was the guy who was probably just tired of being black, and a white officer obliged by choking him to death. If I make a joke about "doing him a solid", I wonder if people would get the rigor mortis reference... Anyway, what's interesting about this, is that this happened before the Ferguson unrest, and people went absolutely stone crazy there. They were setting fires and spray painting dicks on things, stealing DVD players, and then using said DVD players to break additional windows, it was madness. But with Garner, the reaction was largely equivalent to a one word text message. I mean, a lot of people blocked traffic in some cities for a little bit, but that's about it. Frankly, I think black people should be happy. If a cop choked me out in the street, you wouldn't find me trending on Twitter. Silver lining, man!
Jeez, had I known it was legal to kill black people in the United States, I would have moved there a long time ago. Wee!
Atlanta snow storm
Let's face facts here. It's impossible for this not to be funny. This was easily the hardest I laughed in all of 2014. Yes, a raging snow storm hit Atlanta in early 2014, burying the city in a thick carpet of snow, paralyzing it, causing disaster. Oh, did I mention that barely two inches of snow fell? That's correct. The length of a poodle dick fell on Atlanta, and the city fell into disarray faster than a pepper spray bomb at a school dance. The unfamiliar snow fell on the city, and it shut down major roads, most businesses, the fucking government, and churches, meaning God finally had a snow day.
People tried to make this into a tragic story, likening two inches of snow to, and this is real, famine and natural disasters in foreign countries, and it only made me laugh harder. I finally lost it when it was revealed that people were trapped in their cars, and making desperate calls for help via, wait for it... Twitter! It's physically difficult to continue writing at this point. This city full of idiots did all the work for me. I like to imagine the looks on their faces when their cellphone batteries started to die. "Oh god, honey. WHAT CAN WE DO? This is how it ends..." Children were left stranded, really? How about you just walk home, have you thought about that? This really doesn't instill a lot of confidence for when the zombies come.
Dude ran into The White House
Those fucking idiots in Atlanta almost took top spot in 2014, but were severely out classed by this, truly the greatest story of 2014. This is fucking amazing, I hope you heard about it. If you didn't, well, here's what happened. A dude fucking ran directly into The White House. It's the illustrations of the incident that really get me. Someone drew a diagram of The White House grounds, with a little dotted arrow marked, "Suspected path of Omar Gonzalez", which was just a straight fucking line to the front door. I'm delighted someone took the time to do that. I don't know what motivations Mr. Gonzalez had for wanting to burst into The White House, except perhaps to give credence to the claim that "Gonzalez" is the only Latin last name. Granted, the fact that he barrelled over a Secret Service officer while wielding a knife likely means his intentions weren't savory, I still think this is amazing. I like to imagine he just wanted to carve the fuck out of a melon for the president. I believe he got within a checkpoint or two of the Oval Office before being tackled, or at the very least a bathroom.
And there you have it! That was basically 2014. Until next time, when more shootings, celebrity gossip and political jargon make it confusing and awkward to write about shit. Here's hoping at least one person came here wanting to learn something, and they're just angry now. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go jump the fence on Pennsylvania avenue, dropkick Jason Bourne, and find the nearest bathroom, because they didn't let me use the one at McDonalds.
Bono may never play guitar again
Let's kick things off with some good news! Bono, that asshole who wears the sunglasses who always looks like he's going to burst into a Gollum impression at any second, that idiot who sings for U2 who sounds like a chimpanzee stretching, he may never play guitar again. Why? He fell off his bike. I didn't read the story thoroughly, so I'm going to assume he fell off a tricycle and went, "I have a boo boo!" and stopped playing guitar. Thank goodness gravity intervened on humanity's behalf on this one. The real news here is that Bono apparently played guitar. Who knew?
Benedict Cumberbatch gets engaged
The news that produced more tears, both female and male, than the drowning horse in The Never Ending Story. I'm not entirely sure why, he looks like a melon achieved sentience that got stung by several bees, and women get wet for this man. At this point I think the whole of space should be considered below sea level.
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| Imagine this watching you sleep |
Gene Simmons wants you to kill yourself
It seems as though Gene Simmons is the type of human being who struggles when it comes to thinking twice. He ran into trouble in 2014 when he told people who suffer from depression to go kill themselves. Shortly after he pissed people off, he essentially went, "No wait, don't actually do it." You were so brazen a second ago, Gene, what happened? In fairness, if you're the type of person who listens to Gene Simmons seriously, perhaps jumping off a building isn't such a bad idea.
Kaley Cuoco isn't a feminist
I'm a little disgusted that this warranted a mention in this article, but it does, because jesus christ, I needed to call women out on this bullshit. Yes I said it. It could have just been normal, flew comfortably under the radar, but people made way too big a deal about it, and here I am. Kaley Cuoco, the blonde girl from that Big Bang show that got old fast, with the last name everyone mumbles, appeared in an interview some time in 2014, where she said she doesn't regard herself as a feminist. Hilariously, Feminism is supposed to be a tool for women to express their opinions without being oppressed and living their lives how they deem fit, among other things, and then women bashed Kaley for not having the "right" opinion or lifestyle choice. Classy move, ladies. It's nice to know these wholesome movements don't at times share alarming similarities with religious cults.
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| All that's missing is the Uggs |
Net Neutrality
Let's all just be honest with ourselves. No one has any idea what the fuck this is. No, don't explain it to me. You don't know either. Stop lying. This subject is literally impossible to make sense of. I could tell you that it means bad things for the internet if you create anything ever, but I don't even know if that's true. I don't know what the fuck would happen if this became a thing we had to deal with. To the best of my knowledge, it would at least change the internet, meaning everyone would suddenly have to look back on the internet right now as, "the good old days". And I don't know, how easy is it to defend the internet? Beyond hover cat, I don't think the internet has much going for it.
Uber!
If you haven't heard about Uber, I hope you didn't come here looking for an explanation. When I first heard about it, I immediately thought "robot cars", so I'm a lost cause here. To the best of my knowledge, it's a smartphone app that turns everyone into potential taxi cabs. I think... I heard about this, because taxi companies the world over were sour as fuck about Uber, arguing that it was "unsafe" and "illegal". Ironically, the two words I would use to describe most taxi drivers perfectly. Despite the hilarity of taxi companies unintentionally describing their business models, Uber is catching on in a big way. It's a trend people have dubbed, "Uberification", because "Ubercation" was taken already.
Gamergate
Well, this happened. Eager to silence the critics that claim children develop violent tendencies thanks to video games, gamers the world over harassed a couple women, for... um, not doing anything at all, really... So far as I know, a women named Zoe Quinn released a game, and then people started threatening to rape her and murder her entire family. You know, they took the reasonable route. After the number of months she'd be harassed for hit the double digits, she left her home after her address was fucking made public, and she hasn't went back yet. Lovely! Some time during all of this, some people realized that maybe threatening to rape this woman was a bad idea, so "Gamergate" is now about corruption in gaming journalism. If that sounds flimsy at best to you, it's because it is.
People were accusing her of ensnaring several gaming journalists with her vagina to garner positive responses to her game, and to forward her scary feminist agenda. Of course, comically simple evidence was released to prove otherwise, but people still parrot the conspiracy as fact. Apparently they're actually trying to have a wholesome discussion, while also discussing the look and smell of Quinn's vagina. No one's blatantly trying to sweep death threats under the rug, not at all. Perhaps the weirdest aspect to this story, is that for some reason, Adam Baldwin started the hashtag #GamerGate.
What the fuck? Tell me if it's weird re-watching FireFly now that it has more of a rapey vibe.
Microsoft buys Nokia
Not as exciting as the headline, "Microsoft Buys Australia", but it's news. Only because we can now all expect Microsoft products to be indestructible and have more battery life than the sun. They've essentially purchased the rights to Ultron.
Push for Commercial Drones
You know those huge military grade paper airplanes that murder people from the sky? Well, apparently some government people are trying to get these to become household objects. That's fucking cool, if you ask me. I've always wanted to go to bed wondering if a fucking bunker buster is going to obliterate the entire block I live on. Jesus christ, do none of these people know what Skynet is?
Alison Redford done goofed
Alison Redford was the premier of Alberta part-time, but a full-time female Geoffrey Rush.
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| Mostly |
While in office, she sought to introduce policies in Alberta intending to make government spending more transparent. Ironically, when people heard she had travelled to Nelson Mandela's funeral to the tune of $45,000 of taxpayer money, people were understandably upset. The roads in Alberta look like Godzilla teabagged our fucking infrastructure, and this bitch is making it rain at funerals? Amid a growing laundry list of lavish spending habits, after much public pressure, she elected to "quit politics", interestingly a day before a report about her from the fucking Audit General was to be released. Good timing, Alison! It's like you have access to the report a day before everyone else does. The woman really wasn't doing herself any favors when it came to dissuading the public of her relentless fuckery. It's important to remember, however, that she has spent her time in exile in ceaseless introspection, but has mostly spent the time confused how people can just conjure rumours out of thin air like that. And how!
Also, Nelson Mandela is dead. Spoiler alert.
iPhone 6 bending
The iPhone 6 was released in 2014 to eager phone aficionados, otherwise known as people who should maybe question their lifestyle once in a while. The iPhone, becoming more and more like an NHL remake, clearly needed some new features to really set it apart from the iPhone 5. No feature was more obvious than the people at Apple electing to make the phone out of paper, so it would bend like a fucking sandwich when you put it in your pocket. That must have been jarring for the first guy, to suddenly find the letter "C" tucked in his pocket. If I got a boner and it started bending like those spoons in The Matrix, I would freak the fuck out, and my dick is free if you're a brunette. No wonder Steve Jobs got cancer. My favorite part of this story is not imagining the conversations between technicians before and after, it's about the two kids who went into an Apple store, and decided that breaking a bunch of merchandise on camera was a smart idea. They tried to blame their actions on Apple for releasing a shitty product, like Apple used fucking voodoo magic and possessed them to do it. That's like robbing a convenience store and blaming the clerk for stocking the shelves. See? This is what happens when you don't beat your children.
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| It just wants to be a flip phone |
Bill Cosby is probably a rapist
I'll admit, I had no real idea who Bill Cosby was beyond the numerous impersonations of him. I always assumed that made him important in some way, or just stupid. Now all I know about him is that he's a bit rapey. That has a way of clouding whatever else you did in life. Supposedly, the man has sexually assaulted more people than there are people on earth, meaning the man has more rapes under his belt than Meryl Streep has oscars. Spearheading the outrage, weirdly was Judd Apatow. I guess news of rape doesn't make any headway without a man's intervention. Thank god we can turn to Judd Apatow in times of need. You're right, Judd. Guys who rape a lot are NOT cool! One day, when I am gripped by crushing sadness, I will seek your guidance so I can make sense of everything. Thank you, Judd. Our saviour. Now, Cosby is simply waiting for and wanting his day in court. It's not going to be just one day, Mr. Cosby.
Hover board
The invention that will surely frustrate mall security and sign makers the world over. Apparently someone got a little bit too inspired in the best way when they watched Back To The Future, and created a fucking hover board. The ultimate, "Why the fuck not?" invention of 2014. Naturally Tony Hawk was the first to ride it. Early reports are coming in that Mr. Hawk will be the first to ride the Silver Surfer's board into deep space.
No Oscar For Leo
The Oscars for Leo must be a lot like a game of keep away. Inception? More like INTERCEPTION! Haha, you fucking suck, Leonardo. I would say something disingenuous like "poor guy", but I doubt Leonardo DiCaprio struggles very often in life. It'll be interesting if and when the dude actually wins an Oscar. Realistically we'll all be terribly underwhelmed, or a black hole will swallow the earth, and all we'll see in the darkness is a sign that reads, "Level 2".
All-women law firm
Well, it appears the things women do aren't front page news, unless they're being raped or oppressed against, which men feel is far too often. It's so inconvenient. I had to dig for this piece of news. Apparently, some ladies opened up an all-women law firm in motherfucking Saudi Arabia. Yes, the place no one wants to be unless you want to experience a car bomb or the resulting shrapnel. No doubt this news struck the 9 men who read about it, as they immediately complained of reverse-sexism. Make a law firm that excludes men on purpose? The nerve!
Derek Jeter
I find shit swirling in a bowl to be more interesting to watch than baseball, so I have no idea who Derek Jeter is. This knowledge hasn't been of benefit to me either. He was just some guy who hit a ball with a stick and ran and stuff, and now he doesn't play anymore. Good for you, Derek. Why the fuck is this here? Why do I write about this shit each year? Goddamnit.
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| You think that's a bat? |
The World Cup happened
The World Cup took place in 2014, the sporting event that divides people into two groups: people who imagine they're actually from the country they're cheering for, and people who take the sport far too seriously. No where on earth do people take soccer more seriously than in Brazil. Like that time when the referee murdered a kid in Brazil during a soccer game, on the field itself, maybe when the kid was protesting a yellow card, I don't know, only to find himself chopped into pieces shortly afterwards. That was going to be one of the top stories this year, but the story was missing some crucial pieces to warrant a mention.
If you thought a severed head on a stick raised some eyebrows and made people a little twitchy, there was also the riots that stemmed from the government spending obscene amounts of money making the country soccer-ready. You'd think Alison Redford was their financial adviser. They built a stadium in such a hopelessly secluded part of the country, Survivor Man would fucking bump into it. It cost 270 million dollars to build, it was only used four times, and now it's been abandoned like that Amityville shit. It was built in a place that's literally labelled "You Shouldn't Be Here" on a map, while most of the country is in poverty and starving.
Then Germany, always armed with good ideas, bent the Brazilian team over a table and spanked its ass, 7-1. Holy shit. I've seen vending machines beaten less. In the 1950's, Brazil lost to Uruguay, and some fans were so devastated, they threw themselves off the fucking stadium. Tension in Brazil was at an all time high, I half expected the fans to summon a meteor and nuke the stadium. Then nothing happened, it was totally fine. Brazilian people cried, partly because they're named after vagina waxing, and some old guy gave a trophy to a girl who definitely blew him after.
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| This wasn't the only good feeling that man had that day |
Oscar selfie
Ellen Degeneres hosted the oscars this year, making the oscars about as entertaining as cleaning grout lines. Sometime during the evening, Bradley Cooper discovered how to use a phone, took a selfie with some well known actors, and people went absolutely apeshit. I don't know why. I assume no one knows what Google is, or magazines. I just hope the guy set his phone to silent for the evening, or he's an asshole.
Burger King buys Tim Hortons
This must be what republicans feel about interracial marriage.
Republicans win control of the US Senate
I have no idea what this means. Really, politics is the most boring fucking shit on the face of the earth, it's like watching an Aloe plant get a boner, yet TIME magazine listed this as a top story of 2014. Someone out there went ape shit over this news. This means something to someone. I'm going to assume it's important and leave it here. The only thing that's actually neat about politics, is the fact that Donald Trump is a republican, and is currently running for president. If he wins, tell me that wouldn't be a beautiful work of art, like his hair that looks like a broom used conditioner, and it's held in place with wet scotch tape.
Scottish Independence
So the Scottish voted on their independence some time last year, news that struck the world, while no one had any understanding of what was actually happening. I'm pretty sure most people in Scotland didn't know what was happening, possibly because they were too drunk to care. I myself was pleasantly surprised to learn that Scotland is actually connected to Britain. I had no idea, I thought it was just a rock in the ocean where we left all the sheep and drunk people. In the end, the Scots are still attached to the English. Sad, I was hoping to watch live footage of the Scots digging their own country out, separating from the UK entirely, and ending up in the Gulf of Mexico.
Ottawa soldier
There was a shooting in Canada this year, marking the only known violence in Canada since short white people decided to go clubbing and get angry at people. The news shocked the world, particularly America, who were left stunned to realize that there is a place called Canada to the north, and it's more than just Toronto.
Australian cafe siege
I know this means that I can't go to heaven, but to lessen the impact of this news, I like to imagine that a huge spider held people hostage in that cafe.
Jian Ghomeshi
I'll be honest. I had no idea who this guy was until his rapey vibes got him in shit. Apparently he had a popular radio show, which I assume aired in the intervening period between one commercial and the next. I guess people still listen to radio, who knew? I think the guy is a comedic genius, honestly. It takes a special kind of person to write an emotional Facebook post to try and clear your good name, while having the image of yourself randomly dry humping some lady leaning over a desk the whole time. I'm not sure how he expected that to go exactly. You're not that famous that you'll just get sent to rehab, dude. Jesus, what is it with 2014 and being so rapey?
GM
General Motors had an interesting 2014 that involved recalling something like 30 million cars world wide. Why? Look no further than GM's rendition of The Fault in Our Stars with The Many Faults in Our Cars. The story goes that there was a problem in the vehicles that caused the fucking engine to shut off at random, and the airbags wouldn't deploy. Yes, in a several hundred pound missile on wheels, what we want is for the engine to cut off, and for the airbags to be faulty, so that I may share more in the delight of collisions. I know I'm eager to surrender custody of my life to the hidden x-lax brownie of the vehicle world. The best part is that the issue was known for more than a decade, and GM did nothing to fix it, I assume because they're into collateral damage and flat children.
Same-Sex Marriage on the move!
Gay marriage is picking up steam beyond sauna fantasy porn, and in 2014, the gay movement has shown significant signs of improvement. Now you can get married in like 36 states in the US! You can't get married at all in Russia, so be happy with what you get. You're treated somewhat like human beings now. Yay! Keep it up, guys!
Sochi winter olympics
Speaking of Russia, the winter olympics were held in Russia this year, in the wake of Russia's anti-gay law. That made more than a few people uncomfortable, while simultaneously forgetting that gay people still have some of their rights oppressed in the very country they live in. Way to take the moral high ground there, America. There was also reports of the olympics being the target of a terrorist attack, that was awkward too. Also, it's fucking Russia, so that always makes it weird. Then nothing happened. It was a bit like NASCAR without a crash. Fucking BOO, terrorists.
John Oliver
John Oliver, the man who I was certain put a book down his pants in Notting Hill, got his own show where he makes fun of news, and watches you masturbate. You know there's at least one person getting off to his show at all times. He has joined the several hundred other shows devoted to news mockery, placing him comfortably in the category of things I don't care about, like shaving my ass, for instance. Then he made a video about Net Neutrality that rocketed him to fame almost immediately, and suddenly it appears he reports on news more effectively than the news. He also looks like the reflection of Dobby from Harry Potter in a spoon, so he's in my good books. Well done, John. If you happen to be reading this, feel free to take me on as a highly paid humor consultant and exploit my genius for your own means. I'm Canadian, though, we spell some words with a "U" in them. It's fucking weird.
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| I tried to find a flattering photo. Did I succeed? DID I?! |
Philip Seymour Hoffman died
This dude died in 2014, yet he's appearing in movies in 2015. This is some creepy Tupac shit. People remember Hoffman for his role as Truman Capote in the movie called Capote that I didn't like. I personally remember him from Twister. Yeah, that fucking shit in 1996 where we all worried about the dog at the beginning, and laughed at that idiot dad who got sucked into the tornado instead.
Shirley Temple
I kept hearing this name every where growing up. I thought it was a drink, but I guess it was also a person the whole time. Huh. You learn something new every day! Well, she's dead now.
Celebrities go to space
Commercial space travel. The thing we've heard more about than jetpacks for the last five years, much to my dismay, is the most misleading tourist attraction for rich people. This stupid bullshit made some headway in 2014, I assume they're past the point of telling people to stand on a tall building and jump up and down. It's misleading because you "technically" go to space. You don't travel to the moon, no, you just kind of skirt the edge of our atmosphere. Fucking Felix Baumgartner did that in a balloon, I'm not impressed. How much would it kill you to travel just a little bit further? This made headlines because Katy Perry "travelled to space" in 2014, making me wonder why they didn't just throw her out there. I assume her tits would cause some sort of dramatic orbital shift and throw off the world clock.
Colbert Report ends
The man who so brilliantly sat down, said words, and at random intervals, performed something that sort of resembled comedy, had a show that I never watched, and will never randomly stumble upon again. So there's that, I guess.
Dalhousie University
This must have been a slow news day, because for some reason, a group of men having a fucked up sense of humor made headlines. Apparently some kids made a Facebook group and asked each other questions such as, "Who would you hate fuck?" and "Does this rag smell of chloroform to you?" I question their collective decision to make the group public and to ask those questions about fellow female students, but I don't understand why people thought this was a big deal. To put this in perspective, the officers that arrested Jeffrey Dahmer had less of a reaction than this. If they were actually running around and raping people, that's another thing, but offensive jokes between friends? I guarantee your kid is typing worse shit in a comments section somewhere, but these kids got suspended anyway. You might as well go and suspend your fucking uncle. They nearly got kicked out of the school as well, as the parents of the "targets" were "deeply scared for their child's safety". Give me a fucking break, all of those parents grew up with Elvis and The Beatles. They've all had worse conversations through the ball gag they all wore.
Oh, and as for you stupid assholes at Dalhousie? Please. After you hate fuck someone, you have to dump the body. Amateurs.
Vince Weiguang Li released
If this name doesn't ring a bell, what's your first thought when you think, "Greyhound"? Yes, this is the guy who severed a head and ate parts of it while riding the Greyhound through Canada. He claimed he was simply attacking an alien, frankly missing out on a golden opportunity to really stick it to Greyhound with a bad customer satisfaction review, in my opinion. Greyhound: So Terrible, You'll Eat Someone. His release is particularly noteworthy, because he's been granted the privilege of unsupervised walking around... in the very city he commited the crime in. That should send more chills down your spine than a spider crawling in your dick hole. In fairness, I don't know if he's capable of doing much worse. He kind of set the bar a little high there, and he was trying to rid the world of aliens. I'm sure it'll be fine!
SWATTING becomes a thing
If you're not familiar with video games, you're a piece of shit. So there's this website called Twitch, which allows gamers to stream their gaming sessions live to the world, or to the three people who are vaguely interested at the time, statistically making it more popular than Superbowl parties. It's a haven for those eager to abandon their non-existant social lives, and the chat rooms are enlivened by sociopaths who have all been given copies of Mein Kampf. Usually these are just stupid assholes who point out what you look like as a supposed negative, but some people crossed the line in 2014. They would find where a popular streamer lives, call the local authories, and report a bomb threat, or the evergreen hostage situation at their address. The cops kind of have to take that shit seriously, so the actual SWAT team shows up, with actual fucking assault weapons, and clear every room, including the one with the camera that's streaming. Why? So people can kind of just... react to it... I really wish these people would just stick to torturing small animals.
This made headlines in 2014 because some kid got 25 years in prison for doing it. I learned the story was total bullshit during my celebrations, sadly, meaning that sometimes in life, there are horrible, stupid people out there, and they'll get away with equally horrible, stupid shit at the expense of others. But if you smoke a joint, you're fucked for life. Makes sense.
North Korea hacks Sony
North Korea always tries to insert itself into our news stream at least once a year, and they'll be damned if they don't do something ridiculous to deserve it. It's honestly impossible for North Korea to not be interesting. They will forever succeed at being accidentally entertaining. Did you know they built a city near the demilitarized zone; a massive, lavish city, and no one fucking lives there? They built it to try and convince South Koreans that the North side of the country was prosperous and that they should defect, not realizing that they might own binoculars. It's literally a ghost town. That Kim dude gets drunk and writes this shit on napkins, it's amazing.
Anyway, trying desperately to be taken seriously, Kimmy Boy decided to hack Sony in lieu of Seth Rogan's new ignorable comedy, "The Interview". In the movie, there's a plot by the CIA or whatever to assassinate Kim Jong-un, and Seth Rogan's laugh continues to make everyone uncomfortable. For years we've been subject to movies like Eagle Eye and Live Free or Die hard, gripped to our seats, shown the terror of cyber warfare, the battle field for the future. Then it finally happened, and it was mostly just sad and awkward to watch. Nobody knew anything, and nobody could find anything, like a playground full of children, and the teacher can't figure out who pissed in the slide.
Ebola
Much like SARS and Swine Flu before it, Ebola was the new scary... thing that was scary for all of a lunch hour before everyone stopped giving a shit about it. It was ok when it was contained in Africa, because nobody cares what happens in Africa. Seriously, no one cares. I can prove it too. Ebola actually surfaced way back in the 70's, and I guarantee you didn't hear shit about it until it sort of became a problem to us, which is what happened when a nurse contracted Ebola in Dallas. This was a result of her treating a guy who lied to everyone imaginable just so he could get back to the States, knowingly carrying Ebola. Sure, they'll let fucking patient zero through airport security, but throw out my fucking sunscreen before my trip to Vegas.
I do have one point of concern here. How does one contract Ebola exactly? I heard it was if you came into contact with bodily fluids from an infected person. What exactly was this nurse doing to treat this patient, sucking his dick and tonguing his asshole? Also, if you contract Ebola, apparently you just shit yourself to death, meaning this is technically the Taco Bell virus.
Russia annexes Crimea
Russia, further trying to cement itself as the biggest asshole in history, decided that a part of Ukraine belonged to them, and they just kind of took it, a bit like an older sibling stealing your toy fire truck, but with more gunfire. People shot at each other, and the world got angry at Russia and stuff. It's slightly more complicated than that, but that's exactly what happened. If anyone tries to explain to you exactly what went down, they're pretending like they know what happened. Don't listen to them. It's not interesting enough to know anyway.
Shia LaBoeuf performance art
I care about celebrities as much as I care about the opinions of children, but you can't deny that sometimes they take great strides to make the paparazzi cum. Shia LaBoeuf is noteworthy for his exceptional effort in 2014, stampeding head first with no plan into utter stupidity. First he summoned his inner high school student, and blatantly stole someone's work. He later apologized for it, and then it came to light that he plagiarized the fucking apology. Unable to stop himself, he got arrested, then he did a performance art piece, which was him sitting in a room, and one by one, people who come in and they could do whatever they wanted to him. Y'know, because people believe celebrities owe them things. Shia claims he was raped during the performance, which was less important news than the fact that he stole the idea for the performance art as well. There's a point to be made there, but all I can assume is that Bill Cosby must have paid the exhibit a visit.
Gaza Strip
Ah, the Gaza Strip. The place that could only be more crazy if it started eating macaroni out of sock, and a cuddly vacation spot if you're on a budget. A lot of shit went down in the Gaza Strip in 2014, none of which I'm prepared to discuss here. Partly because I didn't bother to research this at all, but mostly because I don't care. If I could talk to the people in the Gaza Strip, I would tactfully remind them that they live in the Gaza Strip. Whatever they're fighting for honestly can't be that lavish and important.
Guardians of The Galaxy
Marvel released yet another superhero movie in 2014 to the masses of people slowly growing tired of all these fucking superhero movies. It's a bit like seeing Jennifer Aniston in the tabloids too much. She's reaching her expiry date quickly, give it up already. But as it turns out, the movie was pretty fucking great, instantly making it ineligible for best picture. There hasn't been a movie involving a tree and an animal this popular since Winnie the Pooh. That's because Pooh Bear didn't have lasers, space travel, and green tits.
Malaysia Airlines disappears
It's like the whole fucking airplane was the victim of a mob hit. They should look for it in the east river at this point. This airline officially loses more planes than luggage.
Malaysia Airlines crashes in Ukraine
You think the economy is hurting you? Just think of these poor bastards. Those performance review meetings must have been awfully silent for a while. I would say they need a serious rebrand to be taken seriously, but a guy got his fucking head chopped off on the Greyhound and they're still in business. They'll be fine. Still, there's no denying they had a rough 2014. Probably not as rough as the passengers of these flights, but you know what I mean. First was the aforementioned losing an entire fucking plane incident, like something out of Ocean's Eleven, and then another plane got shot down by rebel forces in Ukraine. Honestly though, I don't have much sympathy for this particular plane or its passengers. What the hell are you doing flying to Ukraine? Really now. That's like flying to China and not expecting to get diarrhea. Now it's up in the air at this point whether or not the first or second plane landed closer to its destination.
Guy gets eaten by Anaconda on Discovery
... why?
Oscar Pistorious found not guilty
The man who is 1/10th Terminator was found not guilty in 2014 for shooting his girlfriend after she took too long to get ready. Good to know that should my girlfriend ever lock herself in the bathroom, I can shoot her 8 times through the door, claim it was a robber, and get off scott-free. Seriously, that's a thing. It's called "Culpable Homicide". It's basically when you shoot someone in the head and say, "Just kidding" and the justice system just kind of shrugs.
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| Phew, close one |
We landed on a comet!
Holy shit! Someone got way too in to Armageddon when they were younger, and decided to land a robot on a fucking comet. This is easily one of the most amazing accomplishments in human history, but it was noteworthy mostly because one of the guys who was involved in the project wore a shirt covered in naked ladies to the press conference. Feminists bashed the guy for his taste in fashion, not finding it the least bit ironic that they were judging someone for what they were wearing. Never mind that the artist who designed the shirt was female, and did so as a celebration of the human body, or that we landed on a fucking comet or anything. Let's react how my father does when people wear hats at the table. Though in fairness, don't wear hats at the table, what the fuck is wrong with you? And use a napkin.
Dude trips on rug while skating
It's stories like these that make me want to become a journalist. I won't get into it for the same reasons those creepy paparazzi people do, obsessed with reporting on how celebrities have facial expressions and fuck sometimes. No, I want to revel in the tragedy of others, and watch stories write themselves. This guy was skating around on a hockey rink, singing the national anthem, and somehow forgot that there was carpet present on the ice, and he tripped all up on it like a bitch, proving forever more that life is never so bad that you can't trip on a rug and face plant. That's what you get for showing off, asshole.
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| Live action Comic Flop logo |
Michael Sam is totally gay
This story was pure entertainment for me, but was met with immense shock, sheer disgust, and profound confusion for heterosexual athletes and fat sports analysts everywhere. It was entertaining for me, because it's like the NFL collectively forgot about that time when black people weren't allowed to play football. Also, Michael Sam is simply an openly gay athlete. There are many more, lying in wait, ready to abuse your ass in a rough, yet comforting way. They do that, y'know. This really shouldn't have been too much of a culture shock. The amount of gay shit that must go down in those supposedly masculine, testosterone filled locker rooms? Even Freddie Mercury would have been like, "That's pretty fucking gay."
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| "Gaaaaaayyyy!" |
French Toast Crunch to return to shelves!
It was hinted at a few times that the cereal your mother never bought you would return to shelves at some point, but never would, making French Toast Crunch the cereal equivalent of ABBA. But then it was announced it would actually return to shelves in 2015, bringing joy to the what, five people who ate that shit? Great, now the new generation can understand why they stopped making it. How about you just go and make your own french toast, you ever think about that?
Buffalo snow storm
Eager to make people realize that maybe climate change is real, Mother Nature elected to completely bury Buffalo in snow. That's right. Snow sucks, doesn't it America? Enjoy Canadian weather now, you fat idiots. Buffalo looked exactly like how your parents always described their Beowulf-esque journeys to school every morning, fraught with peril and sticks and giant bears. They had to dig out of their houses, and walk in 8 feet of show! So much snow landed in Buffalo that it's still melting to this day. I've seen glaciers melt faster than that. Shout out to global warming!
Robin Williams dies
I'll be honest, I've been more upset about dropping pizza on the floor than I was about Robin Williams dying.
Celebrity nude photos
Yes, the celebrity nude photo scandal! The collection of pictures nearly as popular as Pokemon. It started off with naked photos of Jennifer Lawrence appearing online, which then snowballed into madness. Soon, more photos of more celebrities like Elizabeth Banks were released. Kirsten Dunst as well, news that would have been exciting 10 years ago. People were clearly divided into two parties concerning this issue. Some people were saying celebrities and people who take such photos deserve it, while others described it as a sexy crime, all the while missing the important point. No naked pictures of Emma Watson surfaced, and that sucked.
... what? You were all thinking it too.
ALS icebucket challenge
Well, this certainly grabbed attention for a while. Remember that thing you'd see every single fucking day, videos of people dumping ice water on their heads? Yes, the ALS icebucket challenge, which wasn't so much a challenge as it was refreshing, and a brief inconvenience for previously dry human beings. Hilariously, it ended up raising millions of dollars for ALS research, and financing new vending machines in their buildings. Finally, a way to raise money equally as productive as raising money for ball cancer research, where you basically just sit there and look like you should stay away from playgrounds.
The people who weren't invited to partake in the challenge naturally tried to find ways to tear down the challenge. They complained that it was a blatant waste of fresh water, something a great deal of the world's population doesn't have access to. I like to imagine many of those people wrote their complaints from their cellphone while shitting in something a great deal of the world's population doesn't have access to. Way to take the moral high ground there, you fucking idiots.
Donald Sterling and Ray Rice
I decided to group these together because they were released at what felt like the exact same time, I assume in an effort to see if they would cancel each other out. So there's this guy named Donald Sterling who owned a basketball team of some kind, and as it turns out, he was kind of a racist, news that surprised no one, yet offended everyone. Who could have guessed? A fat old white guy who turns out to be racist. Golly gee. Next I'll bet you're going to tell me that women can fart. After that largely ignorable story, there was this guy named Ray Rice who was caught slamming his wife's face into the side of an elevator, I assume after a disagreement about dinner. To quickly recap, we have racism, sexism, and domestic violence, all checked off. I'm not sure if even Hitler managed that. Had he paused on the whole oven thing, maybe he could have kept better score, I don't know.
The best part about this whole ordeal was when the NFL released the tape of the elevator destruction, saying how despicable it was and how they wouldn't stand for any of it, when it was later revealed that they had the tape for several months, but decided to sweep it under the rug for Ray's benefit. I'll bet that was awkward for a second.
Joan Rivers died
I have no idea who this woman was. A magazine told me she was important. To the best of my knowledge, she died as she lived, as a professional cunt.
Kim Kardashian "breaks internet"
If you didn't know, Kim Kardashian, that idiot who is famous for no reason anyone can decipher, "broke the internet" by taking a picture of her ass cheeks. Yes, this woman is so deluded that she truly believes her glistening ass has such an appreciable effect on the internet that it causes it to fracture. Bitch, do you have any idea how much porn there is out there? There is more porn out there than there are stars in the universe, and at this point, the variety is more creative than disturbing. Your ass smells like eggs, and your husband is a greasy forehead fucking stupid asshole. Emma Watson could wear a three piece suit and make a bigger dent in the internet than your shitty ass, especially if she ate a banana. I hope you and your stupid family get kicked in the cunt by a kangaroo.
Fuck her right in the pussy
The brief interview everyone took seriously in 2014. That's right, it was a hoax, just like climate change and Sandy Hook. It's sad though. It's not half bad relationship advice.
Water found on Mars
They found water on Mars. Again. Just to let you know.
Guy throws snake at employee after Tim Hortons dispute
When I first read this headline, my nipples burst through my shirt in excitement. I won't even tell you what happened when I found out there was video of it too. Of course, after I'd watched it, I felt like my parents must have looking at my report cards from high school. Disappointment. I was expecting a python or a cobra, maybe the guy serenaded it out of a basket with a flute and ordered it to strike, but it was just a little garden snake. I personally feel that if you want to throw a fucking snake at someone, you have to go all out, or for a nominal fee, I'd be happy to whip my penis out at your request.
Ferguson
To quickly recap what happened in Ferguson, it all started with a black man named Michael Brown getting shot by a white man who looks like he was breast fed until he was 23. Then we all learned that there was a place called "Ferguson" in a place called "Missouri". After the whole murder thing, people lost their shit harder than a city who just lost the Stanley cup. People were rioting violently, and for some reason people started looting around the scene of the crime. Hey, just because someone gets shot, doesn't mean you can just pass up on a free blender. Then the police sent out riot squads, and unnecessarily heavily militarized police to maintain order. What you probably didn't know, and this is interesting to me, the riots occurred in waves. The first wave happened in August and it lasted a couple weeks, with news outlets mistakenly swapping out footage of the Gaza Strip and Crimea and not noticing. Then a second wave occurred towards the end of November, admittedly not the worst excuse to get early Christmas shopping done. Oh, and the white cop didn't get in trouble, so there's that. I can't help but feel that Ferguson must be really awkward right now...
Eric Garner
If you don't remember, this was the guy who was probably just tired of being black, and a white officer obliged by choking him to death. If I make a joke about "doing him a solid", I wonder if people would get the rigor mortis reference... Anyway, what's interesting about this, is that this happened before the Ferguson unrest, and people went absolutely stone crazy there. They were setting fires and spray painting dicks on things, stealing DVD players, and then using said DVD players to break additional windows, it was madness. But with Garner, the reaction was largely equivalent to a one word text message. I mean, a lot of people blocked traffic in some cities for a little bit, but that's about it. Frankly, I think black people should be happy. If a cop choked me out in the street, you wouldn't find me trending on Twitter. Silver lining, man!
Jeez, had I known it was legal to kill black people in the United States, I would have moved there a long time ago. Wee!
Atlanta snow storm
Let's face facts here. It's impossible for this not to be funny. This was easily the hardest I laughed in all of 2014. Yes, a raging snow storm hit Atlanta in early 2014, burying the city in a thick carpet of snow, paralyzing it, causing disaster. Oh, did I mention that barely two inches of snow fell? That's correct. The length of a poodle dick fell on Atlanta, and the city fell into disarray faster than a pepper spray bomb at a school dance. The unfamiliar snow fell on the city, and it shut down major roads, most businesses, the fucking government, and churches, meaning God finally had a snow day.
People tried to make this into a tragic story, likening two inches of snow to, and this is real, famine and natural disasters in foreign countries, and it only made me laugh harder. I finally lost it when it was revealed that people were trapped in their cars, and making desperate calls for help via, wait for it... Twitter! It's physically difficult to continue writing at this point. This city full of idiots did all the work for me. I like to imagine the looks on their faces when their cellphone batteries started to die. "Oh god, honey. WHAT CAN WE DO? This is how it ends..." Children were left stranded, really? How about you just walk home, have you thought about that? This really doesn't instill a lot of confidence for when the zombies come.
Dude ran into The White House
Those fucking idiots in Atlanta almost took top spot in 2014, but were severely out classed by this, truly the greatest story of 2014. This is fucking amazing, I hope you heard about it. If you didn't, well, here's what happened. A dude fucking ran directly into The White House. It's the illustrations of the incident that really get me. Someone drew a diagram of The White House grounds, with a little dotted arrow marked, "Suspected path of Omar Gonzalez", which was just a straight fucking line to the front door. I'm delighted someone took the time to do that. I don't know what motivations Mr. Gonzalez had for wanting to burst into The White House, except perhaps to give credence to the claim that "Gonzalez" is the only Latin last name. Granted, the fact that he barrelled over a Secret Service officer while wielding a knife likely means his intentions weren't savory, I still think this is amazing. I like to imagine he just wanted to carve the fuck out of a melon for the president. I believe he got within a checkpoint or two of the Oval Office before being tackled, or at the very least a bathroom.
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| I would have drawn the actual white house, but it kept turning invisible. Curses! |
And there you have it! That was basically 2014. Until next time, when more shootings, celebrity gossip and political jargon make it confusing and awkward to write about shit. Here's hoping at least one person came here wanting to learn something, and they're just angry now. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go jump the fence on Pennsylvania avenue, dropkick Jason Bourne, and find the nearest bathroom, because they didn't let me use the one at McDonalds.
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