Seriously, what's so bad about dicks? Why do people hate dicks so much? Why does the thought of dicks fill us with dread? Why are people afraid of dicks and their proximity to your face hole? Asking someone how much money it would take for them to suck a dick is a ridiculous question, for a slew of reasons. Why does this matter? Is this information of benefit to mankind? No, it's true purpose is to trap one of your friends into saying that he would suck a dick, and therefore, he's totally gay, and... I guess that's funny? No matter what answer you give, that's an answer, and no matter how big the number is, it does little to abate the mockery you deserve. If 10 million sounds reasonable to you, then you're a dirty faggot, and that's reprehensible. Some where along the way, this question became common practice for men of all ages to ask their friends, and it's important to teach young people to ask it, so as to weed out the nasty, insidious homosexuals from their midst. Homos like stuff in their butts. That's worthy of derision, and alienation.
It doesn't take a genius, nor a long period of time to dissect this fucking stupid question. For starters, people just ask if you'd suck a dick. Well what the hell does that mean? That's like asking someone if they'd eat an egg. There are many different ways to eat eggs, though if you like it raw, that's cool too. There are a lot of stipulations to sucking dick that people don't take into consideration when they ask the question. How long do I have to suck the dick for? Do I have to make the dick cum? Do I have to deep throat and vomit on it? Is the dick enormous? Are there other dicks in the vicinity? Is there a two for one special going down? Am I allowed to make a decree, like, don't cum in my eye? Terms and conditions, man. Fine print. These are the real meaty questions no one ever asks, and they can maximize the embarrassment you want your dear friend to endure.
Now, if you feel obligated to answer the question by the magic of peer pressure, you'll probably say something ridiculous like, "I'd suck a dick for 10 million!" Frankly, that's not too bad of an answer. A fucking stupid question deserves an equally fucking stupid answer, because it's never going to happen. Or, you could take the more honest route. Me? I'd suck a dick for $10,000, and let me explain why. First of all, realistically, I wouldn't, because it's a logistical nightmare. I don't want no STI's from sucking a random dick for money. The people offering money to suck their dicks are likely not savory people. But if someone was so determined to get me to suck their dick for some reason, that they were willing to get tested for STI's in my presence, allow me to monitor their every move so they don't go off and fuck a mosquito from the jurassic era after the procedure to get super malaria, heavily soaped their dick, gave me $10,000 in cash, which I would then carefully inspect to make sure was genuine, and could put away safely, I would suck the hell out of a dick. Just so I'm clear, I know what an STI is, right? Mosquitos totally have dicks coming out of their faces, right?
Answering with an obnoxious figure like a million dollars is stupid though. Who the fuck do you think you are exactly? The king of dick sucking? Have you honed your technique so much that you can make a dick cum just by concentrating hard enough on it? Your services are worth $5.00 at best, and people paying more than $10,000 to get you to suck their dicks are frivolous with their money and don't know how to invest properly. You may as well be honest and give a realistic figure like I did above. Hell, go lower, say $5000. For every head bob you can think, "one more semester at university." Hey, lead by example, I'll lower my number too. $5000 and I'll tongue the balls too, let's party. Now that's what I call a down payment!
You see what I did there? I said, in theory, I would suck a hypothetical dick for a relatively small amount of money as compared to other, larger sums, and that's on the internet now. Forever. Oh no, what have I done? My manliness is under siege! What if someone thinks that I'm gay?! This is the worst thing that could ever possibly happen! The truth is, it doesn't matter what the fuck number you answer with, the outcome is the same. The problem lies with the people asking the question. From experience, it seems like the only people asking the question, are straight white males, and the question is entirely focused on dicks. It's solely dicks that have monetary value attached to them in this bizarre circumstance.
Well hey, here's an interesting question to ask, why isn't pussy on the table? This is some sexist bullshit going on here! No one has ever asked me how much money it would take for me to eat pussy, because the answer is simple: I'd eat it for free. Except realistically, I wouldn't, because it's a logistical nightmare. But if the girl had a vagina, I would eat it. Straight up. I'd suck the pigment right out of it, like the Scream Extractor from Monsters Inc. Sure my girlfriend may object to me running around eating random pussy by request every time we eat out, but it's an obligation, and I have a responsibility to leave every pussy I encounter with a nice spit shine.
It seems to me that straight white males are the only subset of humanity that give a shit if they're mistaken for something other than what they are. You don't often see women running around worried if people think they're lesbians, or gay people worrying about seeming straight. It's only the straight white dudes freaking out at the possibility of seeming gay, now why is that? Well, I've long suspected that men today have completely forgotten how to be men, because no one can really narrow down what "being a man" means exactly. White men are lost creatures. All dressed up, no where to go. Sorry gents, but I've come with bad news. We're all a little bit gay.
If someone ever tells you that they don't think at least one member of the same sex looks appealing in any way, they're lying. If you're a straight man who's reading this, do you find it interesting how you check yourself out in the mirror several times a day? That's because you're somewhat attracted to yourself, and to a degree, attracted to the same sex. If you've ever treated yourself to cream-assisted masturbation, that means on some level, you're in love with dick. I'll bet you'd suck your own dick if you had the chance; and why are you always so concerned about what other men think of you? Are you searching for their approval in some way? Why is that? It's a little odd to be so focused specifically on what other men think of you.
Me? I don't give a fuck about anything. People could be running around outside my house right now, sexually identifying as dolphins and toilet bowls, and I could give less of a fuck. Why? Because it doesn't affect my life at all. Why do people pretend this is a social issue? Why the fuck should I care, and why should I be more concerned with what people do when they're naked? If you're the type of person who asks your friends this dumbass question, I have to wonder, why are you so curious? If you're the type of person who keeps such dreary company, and are currently staring down the barrel of this fucking bullshit, I'll answer that question for you. The person asking you, is actually making you a subtle offer. They want you to suck their dick. They're imagining you do it. They want you to juggle their balls in your mouth while making the sound swimming pool drains do, as they gurgle child pee and stray pool noodles.
You see, this is a little thing called "projection". It's when you project your feelings on to other people, however murky and confusing those feelings may be to you. The truth lingers beneath the surface. The person who asks that stupid question, is secretly wrestling with the thought of sucking dick. It's true, whether they know it yet or not. You don't just ask a question to try and fuck over your friends in some way that no one should ever really fucking care about. You're trying to discover something about yourself. Dicks have entered your mind at some point and have caused contemplation. This is what happens when closeted homosexuality meets latent homophobia. But don't cower in the face of introspection. Search your feelings, and see what they're telling you. Don't settle for simply collecting data, get out there in the field and find yourself a nice juicy dick to suck on!
Why not, how do you know dicks aren't delicious? From what I've personally gathered over the years, it seems like heterosexual females have more partners than heterosexual males. These women tend to be referred to as "sluts". For some reason people regard sleeping around as a negative when it's a woman, but it's celebrated when a man does it. Why do women seemingly "love the D"? Perhaps it's amazing and has unknown nutritional value that women are instinctively drawn to, so they need to sample as much as they can, ever think about that? And why is it that gay people are all beautiful?
... well? I want to know. They're all so beautiful, and nice, and have impeccable fashion sense. I think these people have it all figured out, myself. It could be that not caring what other people think about you and focusing on being yourself is the path to solace and happiness, or you never know, dicks could actually be coated with magic unicorn dust, and hold the secrets to everything. If you've spent half as much time as I have bragging about how awesome my dick is, you can only assume at this point that other dicks are probably pretty awesome too. Don't fear the dick. Embrace it, as you know you want to.
Most importantly, in addition to this question being logistically absurd, and clearly an avoidance mechanism for the insecure, as well as being homophobic, it's also a really effective means of fucking with someone's sexuality, especially at such an impressionable age. It's a nice way to make people afraid of their own body, and afraid and confused of what's normal. What if someone doesn't want to answer the question, and is now afraid of who they are? For a generation of people that think "penis" is a dirty word and think talking to their parents about sex is yucky, we have a lot of fucking nerve asking such personal questions, however light hearted we think it is, however small or stupid they seem. Small things can cause big problems, like a piece of glass in a urinary tract.
Now, can this question fuck off forever please? Besides, if you're smart, you can get your dick sucked for free. A better question to ask is, how much would it take for you to take a dick in the ass? See now that's a deep question. If someone is willing to take a dick in the ass, it's possible they could just have student loans, or maybe they're actually gay. They do that, y'know.
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