Tuesday, January 26, 2016

2015 - The Year In Review

YES! Back by no demand whatsoever, The Year In Review, brought to you by me, sporadic genius. Let be begin by saying I'm glad you're here. It's a miracle anyone is still alive to read this. Good giggly Jesus was 2015 the year of shootings. Everyone on earth got shot in 2015, and the rest of us got cancer from water bottles and processed meat. By the end of 2016 we'll be extinct, what with the universe burning out and volcano shit, so enjoy this writing while you can! Another in a long line of writings documenting stories from the 21st century, that reads, depressingly, less like a history book, and more like a tabloid. The things that supersede actual news nowadays... But fuck you it's fun anyway. Here's a bunch of shit you forgot about already, or just forgot happened in 2015.

Charlie Hebdo Attacks - Je Suis Charlie
I know I still have a shot at heaven, because I nearly began this entry with, "Let's start with a bang!", but I didn't. It's good to know I still have some decency. Now, you may be surprised to learn two things about this particular incident. Firstly, it wasn't the first. Secondly, it's spelled "Hebdo" not "Hedbo". Yes, Charlie Hebdo, the satirical magazine you never knew existed before now was the victim of an attack in 2011, and was then attacked again in early 2015, except this time people decided to care. This incident proves forever more that terrorists generally have very little sense of humour. I must say, very poor timing on this one. If it had taken place after the Paris attacks later in the year, it would have been averted by all of those profile pictures and prayers.

Paris attacks
While we're in a happy place, Paris was the victim of a terrorist attack in late 2015. The only way I've managed to make this incident somewhat funny, is by lambasting a "news" article I saw after the attacks. Someone who clearly takes pride in journalism and seeks not to take advantage of tragedy for his own means, posted photos from the Charlie Hebdo attacks, claiming they were pictures of Paris shortly after the terrorist attacks. Pictures of people flooding the streets, holding up signs of protest against the terrorists. France was united, and bravely said they were "NOT AFRAID!" It was said in the article that, "The streets of Paris are an inspiration right now!" Yeah, except that the city was under martial law, meaning there was a curfew in effect, so the streets were all but deserted, and the border was closed for the first time in 50 years, you fucking idiot. I know this, because I spoke to people in Paris. Sources, motherfucker. I'm assuming Wolf Blitzer was behind this report.



Nintendo president dies
I like to imagine his ascension in to the great beyond took place on a forever growing bean stock, more so than missing the jump. Though in fairness, that may be what he kind of slightly deserved... Thank you, Mr. Iwata, for instructing an entire generation that blowing on something is a good solution to a problem.



Edmonton Eskimos controversy
The Edmonton Eskimos won the Grey Cup in 2015, amidst accusations that the team name was offensive, heavens no! One can only imagine how they conquered that adversity. I imagine it helped that the discussion only lasted a couple days, that it's happened many times before, and during which, no one actually had any idea what the fuck they were talking about. If anyone did, they'd know it's actually Calgary's fault. It's true. I looked it up. This sickens me.

How can Eskimos be offended when they don't have TV?


Independence Day dude arrested crossing border to Canada
Eye witness statements confirm, he attempted to enter the country while shouting...

HELLO, BOYS!


Keystone Pipeline
The Keystone Pipeline had a bit of a whirlwind 2015, with Obama kicking it in the balls at every possible turn. Seriously, he fucking hates this pipeline, and like 8 people hate Obama for that. Y'know, because fuck the environment. It's not like we need it or anything.

Justin Bieber - Calvin Klein controversy
I guess Justin Bieber took some photos for Calvin Klein, that name partially obscured by a shit stain on your underwear you forgot you owned. This was talked about in 2015 because the photos were clearly photoshopped. By all accounts this was a bit of a slow news day... I suppose it's a little interesting that no one gives a shit when women are photoshopped on magazine covers to not have ribs or a personality, in an effort to make them more effective cum dumpsters, but when it happens to a man, this is where we decide we care about men. So wait, Justin Bieber is our messiah? We don't care about actual issues like prison rape, because haha?

George Zimmerman
If the name George Zimmerman sounds familiar to you, you might be thinking about George Foreman and Hans Zimmer. It's confusing for everyone, don't worry. George Zimmerman is in fact the man who murdered a dude named Trayvon Martin in 2012, and the news struck the world hard. We had no idea beforehand that murdering black people was legal in the United States, but Mr. Zimmerman lifted the veil off our eyes. As for his 2015, he was arrested for aggravated assault, and was of course not charged for that either. My question is, why do they call it aggravated assault exactly? Does this indicate that he was somewhat irritated at the time? In that case, is there such a thing as Delighted Assault? I will ponder this while I gaze at this disturbingly flattering picture of Zimmerman.

Second Amendment all over that smile


Freddie Gray and Walter Lamar Scott
Having written these year in reviews for the past few years, I've noticed a few trends in the news. Some of them are harmless, others are a bit disturbing. This occupies the latter category. I joked about how it's legal to murder black people in the United States, and you probably thought I was kidding didn't you? Oh you! You probably think police harassment and misconduct are fake too. Well, if you're black and you live in America, I have news for you. Your chances of being murdered have skyrocketed! There's numbers that support this now. Someone applied mathematics to this situation. I wish I was kidding, but Freddie Gray and Walter Lamar Scott are indicative that I am not. If you don't remember, Freddie Gray was the guy who was tossed in to the back of a police van, and was subsequently tossed around said police van while in handcuffs. I hear those are good for bracing falls. The officers felt a good old fashioned hazing was in order and neglected to secure Mr. Gray, and drove around recklessly (always a good idea), so he sustained a welcome spinal cord injury and died a few days later. Apparently this has happened a few times before, fun fact.

Then along comes Walter Lamar Scott, pulled over at random no doubt by a gun brandishing police officer, a bit like those random searches at airports if you wear a turban. Mr. Scott then began running the fuck away from said gun wielding police officer, and lord knows why he did that. It's not like there's a history of police brutality towards black people or anything. Eager to quash the idea that such a thing exists, Michael Slager elected to shoot Mr. Scott dead. He even went the extra mile to lie in his official report, only to have a video surface days later showing he actually totally fucking murdered this guy. Smooth. You're probably thinking right now, "That's horrible, I bet those white police officers were severely punished!" Well, the officers that tossed Mr. Gray around like loose luggage were suspended with pay, because there's no reason why you still can't make a little money after murdering someone. As for Slager, well, he's confined to the comforts of his home, also known as house arrest until his trial later this year, meaning all black mailmen should request to be taken off of that route.

Amusingly, Slager was only charged with murder. Why is that funny? If a black police officer shot a white dude, you bet your ass he'd be charged with murder, desecration of a corpse, reckless driving, treason, public urination, and possession of child pornography. You see, only one of those charges has to stick for that guy to go to jail, so if Slager somehow eludes the murder charge, he's free to go. Justice! Woo! I'm hoping I don't have to write about more of these incidents in coming years. It starts to eat away at your soul after a short while. Thankfully, there was a protest in Baltimore after Freddie Gray was killed, so nothing like this will ever happen again. Surely.

Charleston Shooting - Confederate Flag Debate
While we're in this area, there was another racially charged shooting that took place in the US in 2015. Amazingly, it wasn't the police behind it this time. Instead it was a little white kid with a frankly embarrassing haircut. I suspect most of you thought the same thing. This one was clearly racist as a photo of the kid surfaced, still sporting the embarrassing haircut, alongside the Confederate flag. I think the kid also had a racist manifesto of sorts, not realizing that that's already been written, it's just kind of subtext in The Declaration of Independence. Shortly after this shooting, the old Confederate Flag debate opened again, which angered those in the United States proud of those defending the right to own slaves. Jeeze guys, stop taking their slaves away, have some decency.

No doubt disappointed he wasn't cast in Home Alone


Charlie Sheen has HIV
On a more positive note, this may quite possibly be the only case of HIV the world at large is happy about. It's all that tiger blood, that's how it gets you. The fact that he chose not to disclose the fact that he has HIV to everyone he fucked, means if he's ever turned in to a zombie, that team suddenly has a star player.

HIV WINNING!


Lindsay Lohan hospitalized because of mosquitos
To keep the good times going, nature intervened on humanity's behalf and attacked Lindsay Lohan with mosquitoes. Apparently she contracted some rare disease in Bora Bora, not entirely dissimilar to the diseases she's likely already carrying. Now she has joint pain for the next while, meaning she won't be able to angrily reply to this article. Haha.

Patriots win Superbowl, Left Shark
The Patriots won the Superbowl this year, much to the dismay of true football fans every where. It was tragic, they have no idea they're all idiots. The real story of the Superbowl was Left Shark, who dominated the internet for a short period of time in 2015, I guess because he danced like an idiot for a bit. That's about as far as I can describe it...



Radio Shack is bankrupt
In shocking news, apparently Radio Shack still exists, but it's bankrupt now. Not 50 Cent bankrupt, I mean full on broke. If you wanted to know...

50 lane traffic jam in Beijing
The story that takes the "Holy Fucking Shit" category of 2015 cleanly. This is real. Look up the pictures yourself, it's worth it. Or hell, here's one:



Cecil the Lion
The only thing that made this story funny wasn't the fact that a bunch of elephants were poached in Kenya days later and no one gave a shit, but was in fact the guy who shot the thing. Mostly his excuses afterwards. He thought it was just a wandering lion, despite luring it out of its sanctuary, shooting it, and chopping its head off. Classy. As we all know, a dentist's crib isn't complete without a severed, stuffed lion head on the mantle. All that fuckin' root canal money sitting around, might as well do something metal with it. Now here's the cool part. He's not being prosecuted by the government of Zimbabwe, because all of his papers were somehow "in order". The people who were involved, however, are being charged with "failing to prevent an illegal hunt". Yep. That makes no sense.



Jurassic World
A new Jurassic Park movie was released in 2015, with sexy man Chris Pratt, the adult version of Calvin, at the helm. The movie made a metric shit tonne of money, likely as a result of people needing to watch it a few times trying to find all of that sexism people talked about. I struggled personally. The lead lady oversees a whole fucking island covered in dinosaurs, saves Chris Pratt with a crossbow or whatever, releases a goddamn t-rex successfully with nothing but a flare, all while wearing high heels, but then she gets together with Chris Pratt at the end and now she's suddenly lost all of her feminist cred? This complaint no doubt voiced by legions of women violently finger blasting themselves to Chris Pratt. At no point did anyone raise their hand and suggest that the movie may possibly be mostly about dinosaurs. It's possible.



Star Wars: The Force Awakens
And it's shitting on every record you can think of. At the time of this writing, it has already re-enacted the torture scene from Casino Royale, with the Titanic firmly in the chair. It has even bested The Smurfs and Their Magic Cocksucking Tree, also known as the weirdly popular Avatar. You can tell how amazing Star Wars is, because people have tried to spark controversy surrounding it, a bit like that awkward Jurassic bullshit. Like mentioning how there's a female lead character, there's a black dude who isn't just a token black dude, and how Carrie Fisher supposedly didn't age well, and literally no one fucking cares. Everyone is too busy going, "STAR WARS! WEE!" Seriously, try and stir the pot a little. No one cares about you and your shit. It's magical.

Paris Climate Conference
Who knows what they could have possibly discussed, what with climate change being a hoax and all. AM I RIGHT?! It is a little bit funny how some people like that still exist in the world. There are people alive right now, who truly believe global warming is a hoax. I love it. It's like trying to argue that the colour yellow doesn't exist. Now, about the climate conference, this is interesting. Apparently, in order to limit the temperature increase to 1.5 degrees celcius, this means between 2030 and 2050, there has to be zero emissions. Don't you even think about exhaling or farting outside unless you want to cause a global event.

Justin Trudeau wins
Much to the dismay of conservative voters who consider democracy inconvenient, and who also don't bother to look in to the things they care about. Yes, the sexy Justin Trudeau was voted in to office in 2015, and he's kind of just been doing well. That's about as far as that story goes. The interesting aspect to his win, was the collective effort of young women world wide attempting to set feminism back as far as possible. I guess politics attracts faces only mothers can love, so when someone beautiful comes along, panties get soaked with the quickness. I'm not kidding. It's a matter of public record that there exists women out there that want to be finger banged by Justin. Keep it classy, ladies.

Throw them panties at a wall and watch 'em stick


NDP Alberta
The NDP won the majority in Alberta this year, and this story only makes the list because I live here, and my gosh has it been entertaining living here since. Watching everyone pretend they know things about Canadian politics and blaming Rachel Notley for things they don't understand is beautiful. It's like most people in Alberta are suffering from selective amnesia, or they weren't paying attention during the last government. In any case, I love living here, in a province where people lick their finger, see which way the wind is blowing, and decide to be offended by it.

Blue Jays reach playoffs
Oh yes, the Blue Jays playoff run that excited the what, 10 people who watched it? I guess whenever Toronto does something even slightly noteworthy, sports news cums all over itself, and I love it. The inevitable failure makes it entertaining for me, watching an entire city celebrate, only to have their mouths pissed in. Toronto's heroic playoff run amounted to a predictable queef, keeping the streak of mediocrity alive for all time.

Water on Mars (again)
In addition to noticing how it's apparently legal to murder black people in the US, the other trend I've noticed over the years is the fact that they find fucking water on Mars every goddamn year. But apparently this time is the real deal, because they found evidence of liquid water? Gaseous and solid water be damned, they went for the gusto, and the world cared about this for all of 30 seconds. The orgy at NASA, however, has lasted well in to the new year.



The longest reigning Queen
She may also have the distinction of most developed camel toe. She is one old ass fucking Queen. She looks like a microwaved ball sack.



Migrant crisis
If there's any confusion surrounding this story, let me help you. There's a lot of people walking away from bad shit, and straining the minds of idiots the world over who can't figure out why they would leave an active warzone, and assume these people are somehow also terrorists. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. I did it. I dumbed one of the most important events in human history down to a couple sentences. Suck it.

Women's world cup
Surprisingly, female soccer exists, and apparently the United States is pretty swell at it. The team is of course comprised entirely of butch lesbians, hardened by their enduring torment living in their terrible country. It was this strength that lead them to victory against Japan, and my contrived ignorance that pissed you off a sentence ago. Haha.

Iran Nuclear deal
To my understanding, the Iran Nuclear Deal is essentially Obama saying to Iran, "This might be a good time for you to stop being a dick, but only just a little, and only for a while." I invite you to explain this shit more clearly than that.

Greece is bankrupt
Greece ran in to a bit of trouble in 2015 when they forgot how money functions. Despite having a work week of 40 hours, which is above most European countries, this was not enough to free them from economic failure. As such, they're struggling to stay with the Euro, largely because of their own stupidity by all accounts, and it's entirely possible in time that they will revert to their previous currency, the fucking Drachma. That's awesome, because it might as well be worthless. I would invite supporters of Greece to pause for a moment, and think hard. Does anyone really care about Greece this much? Its own people ran out of fucks to give a long time ago.

"I'm fucking broke!"


Shanghai stock market falls 30%
Haha, fuck you, China. I've been told this is actually quite a big deal, but I don't care enough to explain it. All I can really tell you is that it happened, and fuck you, China. Not for any reason, I just felt like saying it.

FIFA scandal
Oh the marvelous FIFA scandal. The scandal that only could only have been more obvious if Monika Lewinsky came up and started sucking off Sepp Blatter when he announced the 2022 World Cup would take place in Qatar. Fucking Qatar. The modern slave state with temperatures similar to my ass crack on the surface of Mercury. You might as well host the tournament on the fucking moon. Now some things are happening and people are getting arrested and stuff.



Nepal earthquake(s)
You didn't know there were two earthquakes, did you? Oh yes, two earthquakes. One in April, and the next in May. The one in May was somewhat overlooked as it's considered more of an "aftershock", which is also referred to as, "doesn't count". The first earthquake reached a unit of measurement labelled "Violent" on a seismic scale, just slightly above the unit marked "I Shit Myself". Apparently, some Geophysicists had warned Nepal it was vulnerable to earthquakes, and I question what people are supposed to do with that information exactly. Great, let me just not live on this planet anymore? Then the second earthquake, also known by its other title "Kind of a dick", struck the region in May, and is notable because some buildings that escaped the first earthquake, were destroyed by this one. Spare!

The Dress
Remember this bullshit? The black and blue dress inspired by Rihanna's face, was apparently also seen as gold and white to some people. People went shoe lace eating insane over this, some going so far as to write scientific articles that couldn't have amounted to more than, "lol, lighting". The dress is black and blue, as a matter of fact, you fucking assholes, and I hope the person who made the dress is dead now.



Mayweather Pacquiao
The fight that could only have been more hyped up if Jesus was in attendence, ended up being more disappointing than Tai Lopez. I didn't watch the fight or bother to research it for the purpose of this writing, because boxing is stupid. But to my limited understanding, nothing happened, and Mayweather won. Spoiler alert. One amusing aspect to this story was the fact that McCarren airport was clogged with private jets, meaning this fight was the largest gathering of assholes since the bathrooms at the Star Wars premiere, or the Kardashian family dinner.

Bautista flips bat
This guy named Bautista, a baseball player, flipped his bat. People got angry. You can swing the bat, but goddamnit you aren't allowed to flip it.

... why the fuck is this here?

Also, that's called "throwing", not "flipping"


Weed becomes legal in Alaska
Likely in an effort to curb the collective realization of Alaskans that they live in Alaska.

Waco, Texas Shootout
After far too many cookouts, some assholes thought it was high time for a shootout. After so many years of painting biker gangs as wholesome people, those same assholes elected to turn the tides slightly. Then it ended, and I'm told that all of those who died, died from gunshot wounds. Really?

Rachel Dolezal
Do yourself a favour and look this up. Any effort to describe how hilarious this is would be fruitless on my part. I'll just leave this picture here:



El Chapo
I know this story is supposed to be terrifying and tragic to a degree, but it's difficult to not laugh just a little bit. Part drug kingpin, part gopher, El Chapo escaped from a Mexican prison in 2015 thanks to a tunnel dug up in to his cell. Why is it difficult to not laugh at this? Besides the cartoonish subtext and images of Bugs Bunny aiding in the construction, El Chapo just so happens to be infamous for digging and subsequently escaping through hidden tunnels. Was there not one person in this prison who suggested he might try to escape by subterrainian means? This is the one situation you really should have been prepared for. Now authorities are "hoping to stop another escape", I assume by adding a little concrete, maybe some microphones? Hard soil at the very least. Perhaps a raised prison? If you see people with shovels a short distance away from the prison, they're probably trying to dig the dude out, and honestly, I hope they do. At this point I'm rooting for the fucker.

Well, fuck


Dudes escape from Clinton Correctional
While we're on the subject of prison breaks, another one happened in 2015, and both of them involve digging, evidently the most popular means of prison breaking. I think television and movies have spoiled me, because I was hoping this escape was brilliant and clever in the extreme, but these two guys, David Sweat and Richard Matt just kind of dug their way out, Shawshank Redemption style. You just crave something original after a while, y'know? But I suppose if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and I'm going to assume this particular prison didn't treat Shawshank as a cautionary tale. I'm also going to assume David Sweat escaped solely for the amusing headline, "The Capture of Sweat".

Legal Gay Marriage across the United States
In one sweeping motion about mid-2015, the Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage was to be made legal across the entire United States. Before the ruling, a total of 36 states allowed gay marriage, so America was less The Land of The Free, more, The Land of The Mostly Free If You're White, In These Particular States, and Not Female. Now gay folks can marry the shit out of each other any where they want, though I imagine still feeling a little awkward about it. You know who else felt awkward about this?

Kim Davis
The prestigous award for biggest cunt of the year, amazingly, doesn't go to Lindsay Lohan this time around, having swept the category several years in a row. Instead it goes to this basket of shit, Kim Davis. Eager to turn the tide against the entire United States, she bravely stated she would not marry any gay couples. Kim, take heart in the fact that no gay couple wants to marry you. HAHAHA, play on words, go fuck yourself. Also, it's not up to you. They'll just go some where else. You probably should have thought this through.

Maybe a little


Pope Francis visits the US
Pope "Goddamn" Francis visited the United States in 2015, and then decided to visit Cuba. While he was there, he stopped by and had a little chat with Fidel Castro. I had no idea Castro was still alive, holy shit! That is one old fucking man. He looks like water damaged wall paper, draped over the Queen's left tit. No doubt he also visited this side of the world to sample all of the available children, because child abuse! HAHAHA!



The second Royal baby
The royal family has a fierce rivalry with the Kardashian family for families that I wouldn't mind drowning in bacon grease. I just don't like the fact that she's called "A Royal Baby". She's just another pants shitting baby I don't want to see photos of, that's all she is. But she was born in 2015 so there you go I guess.

Cuba and the US talk after 54 years
No doubt they broke the uncomfortable silence with discussions about the weather, and where they see themselves in 10 years.

Tianjin explosion
This story was personally interesting to me, because a friend of mine was in China a week before this explosion. His proximity to the explosion had he been there could be described as, "Just down the street". That's like a reschedule and missed flight away from, let's face it, a pretty fucking awesome way to go. This was a huge fucking explosion. It left a crater the Moon could fit in. It was like a car driving in to a parking meter in Hollywood level explosion. Even the sun said "Holy fuck!" You know there was at least one person masturbating in China that timed his orgasm perfectly.



Hurricane Patricia
Women ruin everything.

87th Academy Awards
I didn't watch the Oscars, but I'm going to assume the win eluded DiCaprio again, as the internet hasn't quite stopped laughing at him yet. May he never win, for our collective amusement, though I suspect DiCaprio doesn't struggle in life very often. Unfortunately, it seems as though we'll have to find something new to laugh at in 2016, as he's poised to win the oscar having consumed raw meat for his newest film, The Revenant, the movie filmed in the apartment directly above me. He's really giving it a go this time. May I offer a suggestion to you old fat white dudes who pick the winners? Don't give him the win. His first attempt involved mild racism and drug abuse, and then he upgraded to eating the cock of a buffalo OFF OF THE BUFFALO. Push him farther, I want to see if he smears semen all over himself, and then chisels it off to make a statue.

Affluenza kid on the run
Remember that idiot kid who had no sense of morality or empathy, and lacked the ability to understand his actions because he was born with money, and that made it legally acceptable to murder people? Well, he certainly understood directions to Mexico. Yes, in an attempt to convince the public of his obliviousness, he decided the best way of doing that would be to flee the country and disappear. Good move. He was of course found in Mexico extremely quickly. I guess there are things that money can't buy, like a good hiding spot. Haha.



Serena Williams loses
Serena Williams, the mountain that achieved sentience, finally lost something in 2015. This was a big deal to some people, mostly her I imagine, because she missed out on the chance to win five Grand Slams in a row? I guess you could say she caused quite the racket! BWAHAHAHA! Anyway, the fact that people still play tennis was news to me, nevermind Serena. In actuality, this story caught my attention because of the enormous influx of people claiming Serena looks like a man. I don't know how that factors in to her losing exactly, but I must say, it offended me. Mostly because people were treating it like it was new. She's been called a man, and by all accounts has been a fucking man beast for years now. What kind of breaking news is this? She's a giant bicep with arms, legs, and a tennis racket.

Yogi Berra
I don't know who this person was, but I suspect he was smarter than your average bear.

Wes Craven
I like to imagine him being eaten by one of the demons inhabiting the book he was writing, or by the book itself. At least that's how I think he'd want to go.



B.B. King
The extremely distinguished blues guitarist died in 2015, and people the world over shed a tear over someone they now had to pretend they listened to on a regular basis. Name me a fucking song by B.B. King right now, you lying fucks.



Christopher Lee
This was particularly upsetting for me, because his passing was barely mentioned in the news. You just glance over Saruman dying? Excuse me, that's like ignoring naked Emma Watson, because she rarely escapes mention in my writings, and I need to meet my quota. Now, in fairness, the guy looked like a 20 year old dog covered in lumps, with bags under his eyes big enough to carry groceries in, so I'm assuming people thought he was dead already. Lee will be missed, particularly his booming voice, which sounded like a cinder block after a shot of whiskey.



Leonard Nimoy
Well, Spock's dead. That's as far as my emotions travelled on this subject.

Well, he got the Prosper part down


Omar Sharif
This guy named Omar Sharif died in 2015, and he's only featured on this list because if you catch him at the right angle, he looks exactly like the fucking Winter Soldier.

Sort of


Bobbi Kristina Brown
Upholding the family legacy perhaps?

Kid clock
The unofficial nickname I've given that kid who brought that "clock" to school and caused a bomb scare. Y'know, because it shared the likeness of a bomb. Most high school teachers know precisely what a bomb looks like, as they are part time bomb techs. The job is so much easier when the item belongs to someone brown as well. Statistics are on your side there. This has little to do with racism, clearly. Because of the quick judgment displayed by the teacher, the kid was promptly arrested, and no one bothered to evacuate the school or anything. Yes, let the confusion wash over you, but don't let it distract you from the true meaning behind this story. Everyone involved here was an idiot. Let's be honest, what kind of clock looking clock was that, kid? That was a bunch of bullshit in a suitcase. And what the hell kind of bomb looking bomb was that, grown-ups? That was a bunch of bullshit in a suitcase. As for Ahmed Mohamed, after he was detained illegally, he got to visit Obama, and now he's studying in... Qatar. Not the happiest of endings there...

"Bomb"


Singapore turns 50
I'll give you a hint as to how important this story is. It was mentioned in this article. That's about what it's worth. Congrats to Singapore all the same. Thanks for the noodles!

Pluto
After dismissing Pluto as a planet, I'm surprised we didn't see a giant middle finger on the planet's surface instead of a heart. Thankfully no one was wearing a t-shirt covered in naked women this time, otherwise everyone would have overlooked how fucking incredible this is. What a shame that would have been. Luckily nothing that fucking stupid has ever happened before.



Back To The Future
The week I spent groaning on the internet. Apparently we reached the date seen in Back To The Future, and people lost their minds. Unfortunately, we still don't have hoverboard technology, so the future we ended up with is hopelessly bleak. They put wheels on a hoverboard...

"Hover"


Caitlyn Jenner
She was THE woman of 2015, and also set female drivers back slightly.

Oh, what's that? Ricky Gervais recently told that joke? Well, it sure is a good thing people know that I write these months in advance, otherwise people might accuse me of stealing from him, and looked like complete fucking idiots.

David Letterman signs off
Beloved by many for his ability to sit and have discussions with people I care very little about, he will now no longer do that. Why is this news?

The face of a man who got paid to do nothing


Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner break up
I suspect they weren't able to wash themselves clean of the Daredevil movie, and when Batffleck came around, Garner just couldn't handle it anymore. That's a lot of shame to live down in one life time.



Gwen Stefani
In an effort to keep No Doubt some what relevant, controversy arose concerning Gwen Stefani and to the practices of her vagina. To my understanding of her 2015, she was married to some guy, but they divorced, and now she's with some guy named Blake? Interestingly enough, despite the fact that I have put absolutely zero effort in to this inscription, this is not a grotesque departure from facts. You probably won't be able to find a writing of higher quality on this subject either. This is fucking stupid. What is neat about it though, is that apparently a Nanny was a key factor in the break up, and a Nanny was also a part of the Affleck Garner split. It's a conspiracy. Fuckin' Nannies, man.

Come to think of it, that may be the problem.

Suge Knight
This guy I never knew existed ran over someone with his truck, an event captured on video, and was charged with murder shortly afterwards. Yup. People tend to die when you run them over. I suppose this counts as news.

Zayn Malik leaves One Direction
Sources report that he discovered that there are in fact several other directions.



Adele
The singer who was never told "Skyfall" isn't spelt with two O's made headlines in 2015, as one of her videos scored 27 million views in a single day on YouTube. I can't be bothered to find which one. All you really need to know, is that the second Star Wars trailer got more views. Haha.

Jared Fogle
So that's what it meant to Eat Fresh...



Bill Cosby
I don't know if you realize this, but this story has been going on for years now. Cosby has been in the news more than Ebola, and finally some things are happening. To bring you up to speed, all you really need to know is that 55 women have accused Bill Cosby of "sexual misconduct" as it were. People tend to brush it off if it's just one or two women accusers, but when 55 women step forward... If you heard that your dentist killed 55 people, something's probably going on there. Oh, and when I said some things are happening, Cosby was arrested on a sexual assault charge from 2004, but was released on bail. Now he's currently filing countersuits against 7 of the 55 women, seeking retractions and damages, because rape ain't cheap!

Apple Watch?
I included the question mark because I can't recall exactly when the Apple Watch was released, a bit like how I can't recall every fart that's ever squeaked out of my ass. The latter fills me with sadness, and the surrounding air with eggy ass. Incidentally, Apple appears to be taking the approach of a stubborn asshole to its products, desperately squeezing, hoping something useful happens, when they should probably just wipe and go about their day. Eager to hammer the point home that this company likes straining pockets and has run out of ideas, the Apple Watch was farted in to our faces to the delight of the 9 people that bought it, and that's including the one burned in praise for Steve Jobs. No word yet on the Apple Sex Toy Line, but count me interested.

Your chances of being mugged have tripled!


Windows 10
The version of Windows that left more than a few people questioning exactly what happened to Windows 9. Don't explain it to me, I already know. No one cares, fuck you. Moving on, previous Windows users were invited to upgrade to Windows 10 for free, and a staggering number of people declined. Less people decline baked crickets at carnivals. It may have had something to do with all of those bizarre problems people ran in to when they upgraded, which seems to be par for the course when it comes to Microsoft. Now Windows 10 mimicks Paris Hilton in that no one really talks about it anymore. Interestingly, there was technology implemented in Windows 10 that would supposedly detect pirated software. I haven't bothered to research exactly what that means or if it's true, but it still leaves me curious. If you had a pirated copy of Windows 7 and upgraded to 10, would a black hole swallow the earth?

Deflategate
Yes, a deflated ball handled primarily by assholes and rapists shares the same suffix as a scandal involving the president in the 1970s. No doubt it's equally as serious, you fucking idiots. Apparently Tom Brady and The Patriots let the air out of some footballs and gained an enormous tactical advantage, then people got angry and stuff. That's about what news boils down to nowadays. The best part of this story is that the coach tried to explain how the balls could have been slightly deflated by Martians or something, which prompted a reply from BILL FUCKIN' NYE! Bill Nye should regularly call people out on their bullshit.



Limb grown in lab
This story is a bit disingenous, as the title implies the limb was grown entirely from scratch. It wasn't. They basically ripped it off of a dead rat, attached it to another rat, and I guess it grew a little after that? I think the limb is taking a little too much credit for itself, personally. Smarmy asshole. Now unfortunately for science, count me in the unexcited portion of humanity for this break through. Until I can fuck it or masturbate with it, no one cares. It's a rule. I checked.

SETI
The Search For Extraterrestrial Intelligence is exactly as it sounds, we're looking for aliens now. Smart aliens only apparently, given the title. Word is, the most constipated person on earth is spearheading the project.

Melting permafrost will fuck our planet in 2100
Apparently permafrost is beginning to melt because global warming isn't real, resulting in a slow leak of carbon dioxide, which, as the title says, will fuck our planet in 2100, right on the nose. In other news, permafrost is now referred to as almostfrost, or just regular frost.

Yellowstone Supervolcano
I don't know why people are as obsessed with doomsday as they are, but one of their objects of affection happens to be this fucking volcano everyone keeps talking about. It made headlines in 2015 because some assholes discovered it has so much more fucking magma in it than previously thought. So much so that it could fill the Grand Canyon 1000 times over, and it's due for an eruption soon. Great. You keep telling me about this scary volcano, and I'll tell you what a vagina feels like.

First warm blooded fish found!
Proving forever more that if you need to hide something, the ocean is the best hiding spot on earth, next to the Pope's asshole.



Sunken Treasure!
While we're on the subject, a sunken ship was discovered in late 2015, with billions of dollars of treasure on board. People lost interest pretty quickly, sadly, as almost immediately after the discovery, people started bickering about what belongs to who and whatnot, ruining any chance of excitement, like onions. This is why we can't have nice things. In regards to the ship, it dates back to the 1600's, and it's taken the English this long to stop laughing. Also, those sailors would be fucking pissed off if they knew about online banking nowadays.

The Universe Burning Out
It's the end of days! Scientists that no one knows are saying that the Universe is slowly burning out, and will eventually be cold, dark, and desolate, hundreds of billions of years from now. So it will essentially be exactly what it already is then, you fucking assholes?

Donald Trump
Donald Trump announced his presidential run to the delight of idiots and conspiracy theorists everywhere in 2015. He has since offended everyone on earth, and that's about it, really. People who don't understand math are convinced that Trump will be the next president, but he won't be, so it won't be long before we all forget he exists, but we will never let him forget about his hair. What the fuck is that thing? It looks like a broomstick auditioning for porn. It looks like the bush of a German math teacher. It looks like someone took a huge straightener to a wheat field and then farted on it. It looks like a mistake held in place with contact cement. His hair is so bad, he literally beat his wife because of it. You'd be surprised how long I can keep doing this. Anyway, beyond his hair that looks like he combed tit milk and horse semen through it, people are losing their shit over The Simpsons predicting his presidential run years ago. I would like to inform you all now that he announced political aspirations as early as 1987, so you can shut up now, you fortune cookie, astrology, palm reading circus freaks.



Total eclipse of the moon
I don't know how anyone managed to document this, considering how you weren't allowed to look directly at it. What a load of bullshit.

California burning
Well, not only is California in the middle of the worst drought in its history, but it also happens to be on fire. I still can't quite figure out how though, what with global warming being a hoax and all. It's weird how those things that don't exist tend to dictate so much of human life, like God for example.

South Carolina floods
And on the other end of the spectrum, we have South Carolina, which received a bit too much water in 2015, and the state drowned and stuff. If you think about it, we have a bit of an abusive relationship with water. It's the gateway to a blowjob someone will enjoy giving you, or it ruins all of your possessions and drowns you. On the brightside, all of those hillbillies finally took baths! It's ok, I can say that. I have friends in North Carolina. South Carolina sucks by definition.

Germanwings Flight 9525
Trying to make this story funny to any degree seems like a severe breach of taste, but it did help me prove a theory of mine concerning writing about plane crashes. If we know what happens to the airplane, it's a tragedy. If we don't know what happens to the airplane, it's funny.

Petra Pazsitka
I suppose since we're in German territory, this murdered woman was found alive in 2015, very much not murdered. She disappeared from her life as a student in the 80's, taking near comical steps to ensure that she would never be found, and taking advantage of the fact that everyone thought she was murdered as balls. She assumed the life of a ghost that has access to cash and not much else. She didn't have a bank account, drivers license, social security card, or a passport. This is a level of precaution equal to espionage, and then someone fucked everything up when they called in a burglary, and she was found. The prevailing theory is that the Cold War played a factor in her disappearance, meaning she is possibly the most useless spy ever. Good theory, boys. As near as I can figure out, she did it because she felt like it. She won't offer any sort of explanation for her disappearance or behavior, a bit like how there's not a satisfying or logical explanation for taking a shit in your friend's pillow. She's essentially telling the world to fuck off, and that's as far as this goes. What a fucking bitch, I love it!

Wait, what's up with that face?


Martin Shkreli
And the top story of the year goes to Martin Shkreli! You probably don't recognize the name. I'll give you a hint. You may have referred to him as, "That fucking asshole" at some point in 2015. Oh yes, it's the HIV medicine man, who boasts a face I can easily imagine myself peeing on.



He's the asshole who drastically raised the price of Daraprim, which treats something you don't care about day to day, and when I use the word "drastically", I mean he increased it by 5000%. Holy SHIT. In fairness to the man, this isn't the first time something like this has happened, but to be unfair, that doesn't make him any less of a piss head. He also wasn't doing himself any favours by raising the price of a drug that targets Chagas Disease by 100,000% shortly after this controversy. At that point you have to decide whether or not you want to keep having Chagas Disease, whatever that is, or make house payments, goddamn. I would stick with the house, personally. I'd start rubbing my Chagas all over the fucking place, hurt the resale value. Thankfully this story has a happy ending, as the universe does have a sense of comical justice. This asshole got himself arrested for security fraud, and then someone sold Daraprim for about $1 a pill. Kiss a dick, Martin!


And that was 2015! Don't ask me how Russia and North Korea evaded mention, I don't know either. With any luck Putin will eat Kim Jong-un and stir the pot a little next year. Oh, and DiCaprio didn't actually eat any dicks, I just wanted you to Google it. Until next time!

Monday, August 24, 2015

2014 - Year In Review

This is the project I work on in that magical period of time when I'm too tired to work on anything meaningful, but not tired enough to sleep, and I'm too sad to masturbate. But, because I'm always masturbating, it's now the middle of 2015, and I should really finish writing about this shit at some point. I haven't seen my family in months, I keep missing work, and I'm running out of excuses. So, back by no demand at all, I bring you 2014, the year in review. Here's a bunch of shit you forgot about already:


Bono may never play guitar again
Let's kick things off with some good news! Bono, that asshole who wears the sunglasses who always looks like he's going to burst into a Gollum impression at any second, that idiot who sings for U2 who sounds like a chimpanzee stretching, he may never play guitar again. Why? He fell off his bike. I didn't read the story thoroughly, so I'm going to assume he fell off a tricycle and went, "I have a boo boo!" and stopped playing guitar. Thank goodness gravity intervened on humanity's behalf on this one. The real news here is that Bono apparently played guitar. Who knew?



Benedict Cumberbatch gets engaged
The news that produced more tears, both female and male, than the drowning horse in The Never Ending Story. I'm not entirely sure why, he looks like a melon achieved sentience that got stung by several bees, and women get wet for this man. At this point I think the whole of space should be considered below sea level.

Imagine this watching you sleep


Gene Simmons wants you to kill yourself
It seems as though Gene Simmons is the type of human being who struggles when it comes to thinking twice. He ran into trouble in 2014 when he told people who suffer from depression to go kill themselves. Shortly after he pissed people off, he essentially went, "No wait, don't actually do it." You were so brazen a second ago, Gene, what happened? In fairness, if you're the type of person who listens to Gene Simmons seriously, perhaps jumping off a building isn't such a bad idea.



Kaley Cuoco isn't a feminist
I'm a little disgusted that this warranted a mention in this article, but it does, because jesus christ, I needed to call women out on this bullshit. Yes I said it. It could have just been normal, flew comfortably under the radar, but people made way too big a deal about it, and here I am. Kaley Cuoco, the blonde girl from that Big Bang show that got old fast, with the last name everyone mumbles, appeared in an interview some time in 2014, where she said she doesn't regard herself as a feminist. Hilariously, Feminism is supposed to be a tool for women to express their opinions without being oppressed and living their lives how they deem fit, among other things, and then women bashed Kaley for not having the "right" opinion or lifestyle choice. Classy move, ladies. It's nice to know these wholesome movements don't at times share alarming similarities with religious cults.

All that's missing is the Uggs


Net Neutrality
Let's all just be honest with ourselves. No one has any idea what the fuck this is. No, don't explain it to me. You don't know either. Stop lying. This subject is literally impossible to make sense of. I could tell you that it means bad things for the internet if you create anything ever, but I don't even know if that's true. I don't know what the fuck would happen if this became a thing we had to deal with. To the best of my knowledge, it would at least change the internet, meaning everyone would suddenly have to look back on the internet right now as, "the good old days". And I don't know, how easy is it to defend the internet? Beyond hover cat, I don't think the internet has much going for it.



Uber!
If you haven't heard about Uber, I hope you didn't come here looking for an explanation. When I first heard about it, I immediately thought "robot cars", so I'm a lost cause here. To the best of my knowledge, it's a smartphone app that turns everyone into potential taxi cabs. I think... I heard about this, because taxi companies the world over were sour as fuck about Uber, arguing that it was "unsafe" and "illegal". Ironically, the two words I would use to describe most taxi drivers perfectly. Despite the hilarity of taxi companies unintentionally describing their business models, Uber is catching on in a big way. It's a trend people have dubbed, "Uberification", because "Ubercation" was taken already.

Gamergate
Well, this happened. Eager to silence the critics that claim children develop violent tendencies thanks to video games, gamers the world over harassed a couple women, for... um, not doing anything at all, really... So far as I know, a women named Zoe Quinn released a game, and then people started threatening to rape her and murder her entire family. You know, they took the reasonable route. After the number of months she'd be harassed for hit the double digits, she left her home after her address was fucking made public, and she hasn't went back yet. Lovely! Some time during all of this, some people realized that maybe threatening to rape this woman was a bad idea, so "Gamergate" is now about corruption in gaming journalism. If that sounds flimsy at best to you, it's because it is.

People were accusing her of ensnaring several gaming journalists with her vagina to garner positive responses to her game, and to forward her scary feminist agenda. Of course, comically simple evidence was released to prove otherwise, but people still parrot the conspiracy as fact. Apparently they're actually trying to have a wholesome discussion, while also discussing the look and smell of Quinn's vagina. No one's blatantly trying to sweep death threats under the rug, not at all. Perhaps the weirdest aspect to this story, is that for some reason, Adam Baldwin started the hashtag #GamerGate.



What the fuck? Tell me if it's weird re-watching FireFly now that it has more of a rapey vibe.

Microsoft buys Nokia
Not as exciting as the headline, "Microsoft Buys Australia", but it's news. Only because we can now all expect Microsoft products to be indestructible and have more battery life than the sun. They've essentially purchased the rights to Ultron.

Push for Commercial Drones
You know those huge military grade paper airplanes that murder people from the sky? Well, apparently some government people are trying to get these to become household objects. That's fucking cool, if you ask me. I've always wanted to go to bed wondering if a fucking bunker buster is going to obliterate the entire block I live on. Jesus christ, do none of these people know what Skynet is?

Alison Redford done goofed
Alison Redford was the premier of Alberta part-time, but a full-time female Geoffrey Rush.

Mostly

While in office, she sought to introduce policies in Alberta intending to make government spending more transparent. Ironically, when people heard she had travelled to Nelson Mandela's funeral to the tune of $45,000 of taxpayer money, people were understandably upset. The roads in Alberta look like Godzilla teabagged our fucking infrastructure, and this bitch is making it rain at funerals? Amid a growing laundry list of lavish spending habits, after much public pressure, she elected to "quit politics", interestingly a day before a report about her from the fucking Audit General was to be released. Good timing, Alison! It's like you have access to the report a day before everyone else does. The woman really wasn't doing herself any favors when it came to dissuading the public of her relentless fuckery. It's important to remember, however, that she has spent her time in exile in ceaseless introspection, but has mostly spent the time confused how people can just conjure rumours out of thin air like that. And how!

Also, Nelson Mandela is dead. Spoiler alert.

iPhone 6 bending
The iPhone 6 was released in 2014 to eager phone aficionados, otherwise known as people who should maybe question their lifestyle once in a while. The iPhone, becoming more and more like an NHL remake, clearly needed some new features to really set it apart from the iPhone 5. No feature was more obvious than the people at Apple electing to make the phone out of paper, so it would bend like a fucking sandwich when you put it in your pocket. That must have been jarring for the first guy, to suddenly find the letter "C" tucked in his pocket. If I got a boner and it started bending like those spoons in The Matrix, I would freak the fuck out, and my dick is free if you're a brunette. No wonder Steve Jobs got cancer. My favorite part of this story is not imagining the conversations between technicians before and after, it's about the two kids who went into an Apple store, and decided that breaking a bunch of merchandise on camera was a smart idea. They tried to blame their actions on Apple for releasing a shitty product, like Apple used fucking voodoo magic and possessed them to do it. That's like robbing a convenience store and blaming the clerk for stocking the shelves. See? This is what happens when you don't beat your children.

It just wants to be a flip phone


Bill Cosby is probably a rapist
I'll admit, I had no real idea who Bill Cosby was beyond the numerous impersonations of him. I always assumed that made him important in some way, or just stupid. Now all I know about him is that he's a bit rapey. That has a way of clouding whatever else you did in life. Supposedly, the man has sexually assaulted more people than there are people on earth, meaning the man has more rapes under his belt than Meryl Streep has oscars. Spearheading the outrage, weirdly was Judd Apatow. I guess news of rape doesn't make any headway without a man's intervention. Thank god we can turn to Judd Apatow in times of need. You're right, Judd. Guys who rape a lot are NOT cool! One day, when I am gripped by crushing sadness, I will seek your guidance so I can make sense of everything. Thank you, Judd. Our saviour. Now, Cosby is simply waiting for and wanting his day in court. It's not going to be just one day, Mr. Cosby.



Hover board
The invention that will surely frustrate mall security and sign makers the world over. Apparently someone got a little bit too inspired in the best way when they watched Back To The Future, and created a fucking hover board. The ultimate, "Why the fuck not?" invention of 2014. Naturally Tony Hawk was the first to ride it. Early reports are coming in that Mr. Hawk will be the first to ride the Silver Surfer's board into deep space.

No Oscar For Leo
The Oscars for Leo must be a lot like a game of keep away. Inception? More like INTERCEPTION! Haha, you fucking suck, Leonardo. I would say something disingenuous like "poor guy", but I doubt Leonardo DiCaprio struggles very often in life. It'll be interesting if and when the dude actually wins an Oscar. Realistically we'll all be terribly underwhelmed, or a black hole will swallow the earth, and all we'll see in the darkness is a sign that reads, "Level 2".

All-women law firm
Well, it appears the things women do aren't front page news, unless they're being raped or oppressed against, which men feel is far too often. It's so inconvenient. I had to dig for this piece of news. Apparently, some ladies opened up an all-women law firm in motherfucking Saudi Arabia. Yes, the place no one wants to be unless you want to experience a car bomb or the resulting shrapnel. No doubt this news struck the 9 men who read about it, as they immediately complained of reverse-sexism. Make a law firm that excludes men on purpose? The nerve!

Derek Jeter
I find shit swirling in a bowl to be more interesting to watch than baseball, so I have no idea who Derek Jeter is. This knowledge hasn't been of benefit to me either. He was just some guy who hit a ball with a stick and ran and stuff, and now he doesn't play anymore. Good for you, Derek. Why the fuck is this here? Why do I write about this shit each year? Goddamnit.

You think that's a bat?


The World Cup happened
The World Cup took place in 2014, the sporting event that divides people into two groups: people who imagine they're actually from the country they're cheering for, and people who take the sport far too seriously. No where on earth do people take soccer more seriously than in Brazil. Like that time when the referee murdered a kid in Brazil during a soccer game, on the field itself, maybe when the kid was protesting a yellow card, I don't know, only to find himself chopped into pieces shortly afterwards. That was going to be one of the top stories this year, but the story was missing some crucial pieces to warrant a mention.

If you thought a severed head on a stick raised some eyebrows and made people a little twitchy, there was also the riots that stemmed from the government spending obscene amounts of money making the country soccer-ready. You'd think Alison Redford was their financial adviser. They built a stadium in such a hopelessly secluded part of the country, Survivor Man would fucking bump into it. It cost 270 million dollars to build, it was only used four times, and now it's been abandoned like that Amityville shit. It was built in a place that's literally labelled "You Shouldn't Be Here" on a map, while most of the country is in poverty and starving.



Then Germany, always armed with good ideas, bent the Brazilian team over a table and spanked its ass, 7-1. Holy shit. I've seen vending machines beaten less. In the 1950's, Brazil lost to Uruguay, and some fans were so devastated, they threw themselves off the fucking stadium. Tension in Brazil was at an all time high, I half expected the fans to summon a meteor and nuke the stadium. Then nothing happened, it was totally fine. Brazilian people cried, partly because they're named after vagina waxing, and some old guy gave a trophy to a girl who definitely blew him after.

This wasn't the only good feeling that man had that day


Oscar selfie
Ellen Degeneres hosted the oscars this year, making the oscars about as entertaining as cleaning grout lines. Sometime during the evening, Bradley Cooper discovered how to use a phone, took a selfie with some well known actors, and people went absolutely apeshit. I don't know why. I assume no one knows what Google is, or magazines. I just hope the guy set his phone to silent for the evening, or he's an asshole.



Burger King buys Tim Hortons
This must be what republicans feel about interracial marriage.

Republicans win control of the US Senate
I have no idea what this means. Really, politics is the most boring fucking shit on the face of the earth, it's like watching an Aloe plant get a boner, yet TIME magazine listed this as a top story of 2014. Someone out there went ape shit over this news. This means something to someone. I'm going to assume it's important and leave it here. The only thing that's actually neat about politics, is the fact that Donald Trump is a republican, and is currently running for president. If he wins, tell me that wouldn't be a beautiful work of art, like his hair that looks like a broom used conditioner, and it's held in place with wet scotch tape.



Scottish Independence
So the Scottish voted on their independence some time last year, news that struck the world, while no one had any understanding of what was actually happening. I'm pretty sure most people in Scotland didn't know what was happening, possibly because they were too drunk to care. I myself was pleasantly surprised to learn that Scotland is actually connected to Britain. I had no idea, I thought it was just a rock in the ocean where we left all the sheep and drunk people. In the end, the Scots are still attached to the English. Sad, I was hoping to watch live footage of the Scots digging their own country out, separating from the UK entirely, and ending up in the Gulf of Mexico.

Ottawa soldier
There was a shooting in Canada this year, marking the only known violence in Canada since short white people decided to go clubbing and get angry at people. The news shocked the world, particularly America, who were left stunned to realize that there is a place called Canada to the north, and it's more than just Toronto.

Australian cafe siege
I know this means that I can't go to heaven, but to lessen the impact of this news, I like to imagine that a huge spider held people hostage in that cafe.

Jian Ghomeshi
I'll be honest. I had no idea who this guy was until his rapey vibes got him in shit. Apparently he had a popular radio show, which I assume aired in the intervening period between one commercial and the next. I guess people still listen to radio, who knew? I think the guy is a comedic genius, honestly. It takes a special kind of person to write an emotional Facebook post to try and clear your good name, while having the image of yourself randomly dry humping some lady leaning over a desk the whole time. I'm not sure how he expected that to go exactly. You're not that famous that you'll just get sent to rehab, dude. Jesus, what is it with 2014 and being so rapey?



GM
General Motors had an interesting 2014 that involved recalling something like 30 million cars world wide. Why? Look no further than GM's rendition of The Fault in Our Stars with The Many Faults in Our Cars. The story goes that there was a problem in the vehicles that caused the fucking engine to shut off at random, and the airbags wouldn't deploy. Yes, in a several hundred pound missile on wheels, what we want is for the engine to cut off, and for the airbags to be faulty, so that I may share more in the delight of collisions. I know I'm eager to surrender custody of my life to the hidden x-lax brownie of the vehicle world. The best part is that the issue was known for more than a decade, and GM did nothing to fix it, I assume because they're into collateral damage and flat children.

Same-Sex Marriage on the move!
Gay marriage is picking up steam beyond sauna fantasy porn, and in 2014, the gay movement has shown significant signs of improvement. Now you can get married in like 36 states in the US! You can't get married at all in Russia, so be happy with what you get. You're treated somewhat like human beings now. Yay! Keep it up, guys!

Sochi winter olympics
Speaking of Russia, the winter olympics were held in Russia this year, in the wake of Russia's anti-gay law. That made more than a few people uncomfortable, while simultaneously forgetting that gay people still have some of their rights oppressed in the very country they live in. Way to take the moral high ground there, America. There was also reports of the olympics being the target of a terrorist attack, that was awkward too. Also, it's fucking Russia, so that always makes it weird. Then nothing happened. It was a bit like NASCAR without a crash. Fucking BOO, terrorists.

John Oliver
John Oliver, the man who I was certain put a book down his pants in Notting Hill, got his own show where he makes fun of news, and watches you masturbate. You know there's at least one person getting off to his show at all times. He has joined the several hundred other shows devoted to news mockery, placing him comfortably in the category of things I don't care about, like shaving my ass, for instance. Then he made a video about Net Neutrality that rocketed him to fame almost immediately, and suddenly it appears he reports on news more effectively than the news. He also looks like the reflection of Dobby from Harry Potter in a spoon, so he's in my good books. Well done, John. If you happen to be reading this, feel free to take me on as a highly paid humor consultant and exploit my genius for your own means. I'm Canadian, though, we spell some words with a "U" in them. It's fucking weird.

I tried to find a flattering photo. Did I succeed? DID I?!


Philip Seymour Hoffman died
This dude died in 2014, yet he's appearing in movies in 2015. This is some creepy Tupac shit. People remember Hoffman for his role as Truman Capote in the movie called Capote that I didn't like. I personally remember him from Twister. Yeah, that fucking shit in 1996 where we all worried about the dog at the beginning, and laughed at that idiot dad who got sucked into the tornado instead.



Shirley Temple
I kept hearing this name every where growing up. I thought it was a drink, but I guess it was also a person the whole time. Huh. You learn something new every day! Well, she's dead now.

Celebrities go to space
Commercial space travel. The thing we've heard more about than jetpacks for the last five years, much to my dismay, is the most misleading tourist attraction for rich people. This stupid bullshit made some headway in 2014, I assume they're past the point of telling people to stand on a tall building and jump up and down. It's misleading because you "technically" go to space. You don't travel to the moon, no, you just kind of skirt the edge of our atmosphere. Fucking Felix Baumgartner did that in a balloon, I'm not impressed. How much would it kill you to travel just a little bit further? This made headlines because Katy Perry "travelled to space" in 2014, making me wonder why they didn't just throw her out there. I assume her tits would cause some sort of dramatic orbital shift and throw off the world clock.

Colbert Report ends
The man who so brilliantly sat down, said words, and at random intervals, performed something that sort of resembled comedy, had a show that I never watched, and will never randomly stumble upon again. So there's that, I guess.



Dalhousie University
This must have been a slow news day, because for some reason, a group of men having a fucked up sense of humor made headlines. Apparently some kids made a Facebook group and asked each other questions such as, "Who would you hate fuck?" and "Does this rag smell of chloroform to you?" I question their collective decision to make the group public and to ask those questions about fellow female students, but I don't understand why people thought this was a big deal. To put this in perspective, the officers that arrested Jeffrey Dahmer had less of a reaction than this. If they were actually running around and raping people, that's another thing, but offensive jokes between friends? I guarantee your kid is typing worse shit in a comments section somewhere, but these kids got suspended anyway. You might as well go and suspend your fucking uncle. They nearly got kicked out of the school as well, as the parents of the "targets" were "deeply scared for their child's safety". Give me a fucking break, all of those parents grew up with Elvis and The Beatles. They've all had worse conversations through the ball gag they all wore.

Oh, and as for you stupid assholes at Dalhousie? Please. After you hate fuck someone, you have to dump the body. Amateurs.

Vince Weiguang Li released
If this name doesn't ring a bell, what's your first thought when you think, "Greyhound"? Yes, this is the guy who severed a head and ate parts of it while riding the Greyhound through Canada. He claimed he was simply attacking an alien, frankly missing out on a golden opportunity to really stick it to Greyhound with a bad customer satisfaction review, in my opinion. Greyhound: So Terrible, You'll Eat Someone. His release is particularly noteworthy, because he's been granted the privilege of unsupervised walking around... in the very city he commited the crime in. That should send more chills down your spine than a spider crawling in your dick hole. In fairness, I don't know if he's capable of doing much worse. He kind of set the bar a little high there, and he was trying to rid the world of aliens. I'm sure it'll be fine!

SWATTING becomes a thing
If you're not familiar with video games, you're a piece of shit. So there's this website called Twitch, which allows gamers to stream their gaming sessions live to the world, or to the three people who are vaguely interested at the time, statistically making it more popular than Superbowl parties. It's a haven for those eager to abandon their non-existant social lives, and the chat rooms are enlivened by sociopaths who have all been given copies of Mein Kampf. Usually these are just stupid assholes who point out what you look like as a supposed negative, but some people crossed the line in 2014. They would find where a popular streamer lives, call the local authories, and report a bomb threat, or the evergreen hostage situation at their address. The cops kind of have to take that shit seriously, so the actual SWAT team shows up, with actual fucking assault weapons, and clear every room, including the one with the camera that's streaming. Why? So people can kind of just... react to it... I really wish these people would just stick to torturing small animals.

This made headlines in 2014 because some kid got 25 years in prison for doing it. I learned the story was total bullshit during my celebrations, sadly, meaning that sometimes in life, there are horrible, stupid people out there, and they'll get away with equally horrible, stupid shit at the expense of others. But if you smoke a joint, you're fucked for life. Makes sense.



North Korea hacks Sony
North Korea always tries to insert itself into our news stream at least once a year, and they'll be damned if they don't do something ridiculous to deserve it. It's honestly impossible for North Korea to not be interesting. They will forever succeed at being accidentally entertaining. Did you know they built a city near the demilitarized zone; a massive, lavish city, and no one fucking lives there? They built it to try and convince South Koreans that the North side of the country was prosperous and that they should defect, not realizing that they might own binoculars. It's literally a ghost town. That Kim dude gets drunk and writes this shit on napkins, it's amazing.

Anyway, trying desperately to be taken seriously, Kimmy Boy decided to hack Sony in lieu of Seth Rogan's new ignorable comedy, "The Interview". In the movie, there's a plot by the CIA or whatever to assassinate Kim Jong-un, and Seth Rogan's laugh continues to make everyone uncomfortable. For years we've been subject to movies like Eagle Eye and Live Free or Die hard, gripped to our seats, shown the terror of cyber warfare, the battle field for the future. Then it finally happened, and it was mostly just sad and awkward to watch. Nobody knew anything, and nobody could find anything, like a playground full of children, and the teacher can't figure out who pissed in the slide.

Ebola
Much like SARS and Swine Flu before it, Ebola was the new scary... thing that was scary for all of a lunch hour before everyone stopped giving a shit about it. It was ok when it was contained in Africa, because nobody cares what happens in Africa. Seriously, no one cares. I can prove it too. Ebola actually surfaced way back in the 70's, and I guarantee you didn't hear shit about it until it sort of became a problem to us, which is what happened when a nurse contracted Ebola in Dallas. This was a result of her treating a guy who lied to everyone imaginable just so he could get back to the States, knowingly carrying Ebola. Sure, they'll let fucking patient zero through airport security, but throw out my fucking sunscreen before my trip to Vegas.

I do have one point of concern here. How does one contract Ebola exactly? I heard it was if you came into contact with bodily fluids from an infected person. What exactly was this nurse doing to treat this patient, sucking his dick and tonguing his asshole? Also, if you contract Ebola, apparently you just shit yourself to death, meaning this is technically the Taco Bell virus.

Russia annexes Crimea
Russia, further trying to cement itself as the biggest asshole in history, decided that a part of Ukraine belonged to them, and they just kind of took it, a bit like an older sibling stealing your toy fire truck, but with more gunfire. People shot at each other, and the world got angry at Russia and stuff. It's slightly more complicated than that, but that's exactly what happened. If anyone tries to explain to you exactly what went down, they're pretending like they know what happened. Don't listen to them. It's not interesting enough to know anyway.

Shia LaBoeuf performance art
I care about celebrities as much as I care about the opinions of children, but you can't deny that sometimes they take great strides to make the paparazzi cum. Shia LaBoeuf is noteworthy for his exceptional effort in 2014, stampeding head first with no plan into utter stupidity. First he summoned his inner high school student, and blatantly stole someone's work. He later apologized for it, and then it came to light that he plagiarized the fucking apology. Unable to stop himself, he got arrested, then he did a performance art piece, which was him sitting in a room, and one by one, people who come in and they could do whatever they wanted to him. Y'know, because people believe celebrities owe them things. Shia claims he was raped during the performance, which was less important news than the fact that he stole the idea for the performance art as well. There's a point to be made there, but all I can assume is that Bill Cosby must have paid the exhibit a visit.



Gaza Strip
Ah, the Gaza Strip. The place that could only be more crazy if it started eating macaroni out of sock, and a cuddly vacation spot if you're on a budget. A lot of shit went down in the Gaza Strip in 2014, none of which I'm prepared to discuss here. Partly because I didn't bother to research this at all, but mostly because I don't care. If I could talk to the people in the Gaza Strip, I would tactfully remind them that they live in the Gaza Strip. Whatever they're fighting for honestly can't be that lavish and important.

Guardians of The Galaxy
Marvel released yet another superhero movie in 2014 to the masses of people slowly growing tired of all these fucking superhero movies. It's a bit like seeing Jennifer Aniston in the tabloids too much. She's reaching her expiry date quickly, give it up already. But as it turns out, the movie was pretty fucking great, instantly making it ineligible for best picture. There hasn't been a movie involving a tree and an animal this popular since Winnie the Pooh. That's because Pooh Bear didn't have lasers, space travel, and green tits.

Malaysia Airlines disappears
It's like the whole fucking airplane was the victim of a mob hit. They should look for it in the east river at this point. This airline officially loses more planes than luggage.

Malaysia Airlines crashes in Ukraine
You think the economy is hurting you? Just think of these poor bastards. Those performance review meetings must have been awfully silent for a while. I would say they need a serious rebrand to be taken seriously, but a guy got his fucking head chopped off on the Greyhound and they're still in business. They'll be fine. Still, there's no denying they had a rough 2014. Probably not as rough as the passengers of these flights, but you know what I mean. First was the aforementioned losing an entire fucking plane incident, like something out of Ocean's Eleven, and then another plane got shot down by rebel forces in Ukraine. Honestly though, I don't have much sympathy for this particular plane or its passengers. What the hell are you doing flying to Ukraine? Really now. That's like flying to China and not expecting to get diarrhea. Now it's up in the air at this point whether or not the first or second plane landed closer to its destination.

Guy gets eaten by Anaconda on Discovery
... why?

Oscar Pistorious found not guilty
The man who is 1/10th Terminator was found not guilty in 2014 for shooting his girlfriend after she took too long to get ready. Good to know that should my girlfriend ever lock herself in the bathroom, I can shoot her 8 times through the door, claim it was a robber, and get off scott-free. Seriously, that's a thing. It's called "Culpable Homicide". It's basically when you shoot someone in the head and say, "Just kidding" and the justice system just kind of shrugs.

Phew, close one


We landed on a comet!
Holy shit! Someone got way too in to Armageddon when they were younger, and decided to land a robot on a fucking comet. This is easily one of the most amazing accomplishments in human history, but it was noteworthy mostly because one of the guys who was involved in the project wore a shirt covered in naked ladies to the press conference. Feminists bashed the guy for his taste in fashion, not finding it the least bit ironic that they were judging someone for what they were wearing. Never mind that the artist who designed the shirt was female, and did so as a celebration of the human body, or that we landed on a fucking comet or anything. Let's react how my father does when people wear hats at the table. Though in fairness, don't wear hats at the table, what the fuck is wrong with you? And use a napkin.



Dude trips on rug while skating
It's stories like these that make me want to become a journalist. I won't get into it for the same reasons those creepy paparazzi people do, obsessed with reporting on how celebrities have facial expressions and fuck sometimes. No, I want to revel in the tragedy of others, and watch stories write themselves. This guy was skating around on a hockey rink, singing the national anthem, and somehow forgot that there was carpet present on the ice, and he tripped all up on it like a bitch, proving forever more that life is never so bad that you can't trip on a rug and face plant. That's what you get for showing off, asshole.

Live action Comic Flop logo


Michael Sam is totally gay
This story was pure entertainment for me, but was met with immense shock, sheer disgust, and profound confusion for heterosexual athletes and fat sports analysts everywhere. It was entertaining for me, because it's like the NFL collectively forgot about that time when black people weren't allowed to play football. Also, Michael Sam is simply an openly gay athlete. There are many more, lying in wait, ready to abuse your ass in a rough, yet comforting way. They do that, y'know. This really shouldn't have been too much of a culture shock. The amount of gay shit that must go down in those supposedly masculine, testosterone filled locker rooms? Even Freddie Mercury would have been like, "That's pretty fucking gay."

"Gaaaaaayyyy!"


French Toast Crunch to return to shelves!
It was hinted at a few times that the cereal your mother never bought you would return to shelves at some point, but never would, making French Toast Crunch the cereal equivalent of ABBA. But then it was announced it would actually return to shelves in 2015, bringing joy to the what, five people who ate that shit? Great, now the new generation can understand why they stopped making it. How about you just go and make your own french toast, you ever think about that?

Buffalo snow storm
Eager to make people realize that maybe climate change is real, Mother Nature elected to completely bury Buffalo in snow. That's right. Snow sucks, doesn't it America? Enjoy Canadian weather now, you fat idiots. Buffalo looked exactly like how your parents always described their Beowulf-esque journeys to school every morning, fraught with peril and sticks and giant bears. They had to dig out of their houses, and walk in 8 feet of show! So much snow landed in Buffalo that it's still melting to this day. I've seen glaciers melt faster than that. Shout out to global warming!



Robin Williams dies
I'll be honest, I've been more upset about dropping pizza on the floor than I was about Robin Williams dying.

Celebrity nude photos
Yes, the celebrity nude photo scandal! The collection of pictures nearly as popular as Pokemon. It started off with naked photos of Jennifer Lawrence appearing online, which then snowballed into madness. Soon, more photos of more celebrities like Elizabeth Banks were released. Kirsten Dunst as well, news that would have been exciting 10 years ago. People were clearly divided into two parties concerning this issue. Some people were saying celebrities and people who take such photos deserve it, while others described it as a sexy crime, all the while missing the important point. No naked pictures of Emma Watson surfaced, and that sucked.

... what? You were all thinking it too.

ALS icebucket challenge
Well, this certainly grabbed attention for a while. Remember that thing you'd see every single fucking day, videos of people dumping ice water on their heads? Yes, the ALS icebucket challenge, which wasn't so much a challenge as it was refreshing, and a brief inconvenience for previously dry human beings. Hilariously, it ended up raising millions of dollars for ALS research, and financing new vending machines in their buildings. Finally, a way to raise money equally as productive as raising money for ball cancer research, where you basically just sit there and look like you should stay away from playgrounds.

The people who weren't invited to partake in the challenge naturally tried to find ways to tear down the challenge. They complained that it was a blatant waste of fresh water, something a great deal of the world's population doesn't have access to. I like to imagine many of those people wrote their complaints from their cellphone while shitting in something a great deal of the world's population doesn't have access to. Way to take the moral high ground there, you fucking idiots.

Donald Sterling and Ray Rice
I decided to group these together because they were released at what felt like the exact same time, I assume in an effort to see if they would cancel each other out. So there's this guy named Donald Sterling who owned a basketball team of some kind, and as it turns out, he was kind of a racist, news that surprised no one, yet offended everyone. Who could have guessed? A fat old white guy who turns out to be racist. Golly gee. Next I'll bet you're going to tell me that women can fart. After that largely ignorable story, there was this guy named Ray Rice who was caught slamming his wife's face into the side of an elevator, I assume after a disagreement about dinner. To quickly recap, we have racism, sexism, and domestic violence, all checked off. I'm not sure if even Hitler managed that. Had he paused on the whole oven thing, maybe he could have kept better score, I don't know.

The best part about this whole ordeal was when the NFL released the tape of the elevator destruction, saying how despicable it was and how they wouldn't stand for any of it, when it was later revealed that they had the tape for several months, but decided to sweep it under the rug for Ray's benefit. I'll bet that was awkward for a second.



Joan Rivers died
I have no idea who this woman was. A magazine told me she was important. To the best of my knowledge, she died as she lived, as a professional cunt.

Kim Kardashian "breaks internet"
If you didn't know, Kim Kardashian, that idiot who is famous for no reason anyone can decipher, "broke the internet" by taking a picture of her ass cheeks. Yes, this woman is so deluded that she truly believes her glistening ass has such an appreciable effect on the internet that it causes it to fracture. Bitch, do you have any idea how much porn there is out there? There is more porn out there than there are stars in the universe, and at this point, the variety is more creative than disturbing. Your ass smells like eggs, and your husband is a greasy forehead fucking stupid asshole. Emma Watson could wear a three piece suit and make a bigger dent in the internet than your shitty ass, especially if she ate a banana. I hope you and your stupid family get kicked in the cunt by a kangaroo.

Fuck her right in the pussy
The brief interview everyone took seriously in 2014. That's right, it was a hoax, just like climate change and Sandy Hook. It's sad though. It's not half bad relationship advice.



Water found on Mars
They found water on Mars. Again. Just to let you know.

Guy throws snake at employee after Tim Hortons dispute
When I first read this headline, my nipples burst through my shirt in excitement. I won't even tell you what happened when I found out there was video of it too. Of course, after I'd watched it, I felt like my parents must have looking at my report cards from high school. Disappointment. I was expecting a python or a cobra, maybe the guy serenaded it out of a basket with a flute and ordered it to strike, but it was just a little garden snake. I personally feel that if you want to throw a fucking snake at someone, you have to go all out, or for a nominal fee, I'd be happy to whip my penis out at your request.

Ferguson
To quickly recap what happened in Ferguson, it all started with a black man named Michael Brown getting shot by a white man who looks like he was breast fed until he was 23. Then we all learned that there was a place called "Ferguson" in a place called "Missouri". After the whole murder thing, people lost their shit harder than a city who just lost the Stanley cup. People were rioting violently, and for some reason people started looting around the scene of the crime. Hey, just because someone gets shot, doesn't mean you can just pass up on a free blender. Then the police sent out riot squads, and unnecessarily heavily militarized police to maintain order. What you probably didn't know, and this is interesting to me, the riots occurred in waves. The first wave happened in August and it lasted a couple weeks, with news outlets mistakenly swapping out footage of the Gaza Strip and Crimea and not noticing. Then a second wave occurred towards the end of November, admittedly not the worst excuse to get early Christmas shopping done. Oh, and the white cop didn't get in trouble, so there's that. I can't help but feel that Ferguson must be really awkward right now...



Eric Garner
If you don't remember, this was the guy who was probably just tired of being black, and a white officer obliged by choking him to death. If I make a joke about "doing him a solid", I wonder if people would get the rigor mortis reference... Anyway, what's interesting about this, is that this happened before the Ferguson unrest, and people went absolutely stone crazy there. They were setting fires and spray painting dicks on things, stealing DVD players, and then using said DVD players to break additional windows, it was madness. But with Garner, the reaction was largely equivalent to a one word text message. I mean, a lot of people blocked traffic in some cities for a little bit, but that's about it. Frankly, I think black people should be happy. If a cop choked me out in the street, you wouldn't find me trending on Twitter. Silver lining, man!

Jeez, had I known it was legal to kill black people in the United States, I would have moved there a long time ago. Wee!

Atlanta snow storm
Let's face facts here. It's impossible for this not to be funny. This was easily the hardest I laughed in all of 2014. Yes, a raging snow storm hit Atlanta in early 2014, burying the city in a thick carpet of snow, paralyzing it, causing disaster. Oh, did I mention that barely two inches of snow fell? That's correct. The length of a poodle dick fell on Atlanta, and the city fell into disarray faster than a pepper spray bomb at a school dance. The unfamiliar snow fell on the city, and it shut down major roads, most businesses, the fucking government, and churches, meaning God finally had a snow day.

People tried to make this into a tragic story, likening two inches of snow to, and this is real, famine and natural disasters in foreign countries, and it only made me laugh harder. I finally lost it when it was revealed that people were trapped in their cars, and making desperate calls for help via, wait for it... Twitter! It's physically difficult to continue writing at this point. This city full of idiots did all the work for me. I like to imagine the looks on their faces when their cellphone batteries started to die. "Oh god, honey. WHAT CAN WE DO? This is how it ends..." Children were left stranded, really? How about you just walk home, have you thought about that? This really doesn't instill a lot of confidence for when the zombies come.

Dude ran into The White House
Those fucking idiots in Atlanta almost took top spot in 2014, but were severely out classed by this, truly the greatest story of 2014. This is fucking amazing, I hope you heard about it. If you didn't, well, here's what happened. A dude fucking ran directly into The White House. It's the illustrations of the incident that really get me. Someone drew a diagram of The White House grounds, with a little dotted arrow marked, "Suspected path of Omar Gonzalez", which was just a straight fucking line to the front door. I'm delighted someone took the time to do that. I don't know what motivations Mr. Gonzalez had for wanting to burst into The White House, except perhaps to give credence to the claim that "Gonzalez" is the only Latin last name. Granted, the fact that he barrelled over a Secret Service officer while wielding a knife likely means his intentions weren't savory, I still think this is amazing. I like to imagine he just wanted to carve the fuck out of a melon for the president. I believe he got within a checkpoint or two of the Oval Office before being tackled, or at the very least a bathroom.

I would have drawn the actual white house, but it kept turning invisible. Curses!



And there you have it! That was basically 2014. Until next time, when more shootings, celebrity gossip and political jargon make it confusing and awkward to write about shit. Here's hoping at least one person came here wanting to learn something, and they're just angry now. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go jump the fence on Pennsylvania avenue, dropkick Jason Bourne, and find the nearest bathroom, because they didn't let me use the one at McDonalds.