Charlie Hebdo Attacks - Je Suis Charlie
I know I still have a shot at heaven, because I nearly began this entry with, "Let's start with a bang!", but I didn't. It's good to know I still have some decency. Now, you may be surprised to learn two things about this particular incident. Firstly, it wasn't the first. Secondly, it's spelled "Hebdo" not "Hedbo". Yes, Charlie Hebdo, the satirical magazine you never knew existed before now was the victim of an attack in 2011, and was then attacked again in early 2015, except this time people decided to care. This incident proves forever more that terrorists generally have very little sense of humour. I must say, very poor timing on this one. If it had taken place after the Paris attacks later in the year, it would have been averted by all of those profile pictures and prayers.
While we're in a happy place, Paris was the victim of a terrorist attack in late 2015. The only way I've managed to make this incident somewhat funny, is by lambasting a "news" article I saw after the attacks. Someone who clearly takes pride in journalism and seeks not to take advantage of tragedy for his own means, posted photos from the Charlie Hebdo attacks, claiming they were pictures of Paris shortly after the terrorist attacks. Pictures of people flooding the streets, holding up signs of protest against the terrorists. France was united, and bravely said they were "NOT AFRAID!" It was said in the article that, "The streets of Paris are an inspiration right now!" Yeah, except that the city was under martial law, meaning there was a curfew in effect, so the streets were all but deserted, and the border was closed for the first time in 50 years, you fucking idiot. I know this, because I spoke to people in Paris. Sources, motherfucker. I'm assuming Wolf Blitzer was behind this report.
Nintendo president dies
I like to imagine his ascension in to the great beyond took place on a forever growing bean stock, more so than missing the jump. Though in fairness, that may be what he kind of slightly deserved... Thank you, Mr. Iwata, for instructing an entire generation that blowing on something is a good solution to a problem.
Edmonton Eskimos controversy
The Edmonton Eskimos won the Grey Cup in 2015, amidst accusations that the team name was offensive, heavens no! One can only imagine how they conquered that adversity. I imagine it helped that the discussion only lasted a couple days, that it's happened many times before, and during which, no one actually had any idea what the fuck they were talking about. If anyone did, they'd know it's actually Calgary's fault. It's true. I looked it up. This sickens me.
|How can Eskimos be offended when they don't have TV?|
Independence Day dude arrested crossing border to Canada
Eye witness statements confirm, he attempted to enter the country while shouting...
The Keystone Pipeline had a bit of a whirlwind 2015, with Obama kicking it in the balls at every possible turn. Seriously, he fucking hates this pipeline, and like 8 people hate Obama for that. Y'know, because fuck the environment. It's not like we need it or anything.
Justin Bieber - Calvin Klein controversy
I guess Justin Bieber took some photos for Calvin Klein, that name partially obscured by a shit stain on your underwear you forgot you owned. This was talked about in 2015 because the photos were clearly photoshopped. By all accounts this was a bit of a slow news day... I suppose it's a little interesting that no one gives a shit when women are photoshopped on magazine covers to not have ribs or a personality, in an effort to make them more effective cum dumpsters, but when it happens to a man, this is where we decide we care about men. So wait, Justin Bieber is our messiah? We don't care about actual issues like prison rape, because haha?
If the name George Zimmerman sounds familiar to you, you might be thinking about George Foreman and Hans Zimmer. It's confusing for everyone, don't worry. George Zimmerman is in fact the man who murdered a dude named Trayvon Martin in 2012, and the news struck the world hard. We had no idea beforehand that murdering black people was legal in the United States, but Mr. Zimmerman lifted the veil off our eyes. As for his 2015, he was arrested for aggravated assault, and was of course not charged for that either. My question is, why do they call it aggravated assault exactly? Does this indicate that he was somewhat irritated at the time? In that case, is there such a thing as Delighted Assault? I will ponder this while I gaze at this disturbingly flattering picture of Zimmerman.
|Second Amendment all over that smile|
Freddie Gray and Walter Lamar Scott
Having written these year in reviews for the past few years, I've noticed a few trends in the news. Some of them are harmless, others are a bit disturbing. This occupies the latter category. I joked about how it's legal to murder black people in the United States, and you probably thought I was kidding didn't you? Oh you! You probably think police harassment and misconduct are fake too. Well, if you're black and you live in America, I have news for you. Your chances of being murdered have skyrocketed! There's numbers that support this now. Someone applied mathematics to this situation. I wish I was kidding, but Freddie Gray and Walter Lamar Scott are indicative that I am not. If you don't remember, Freddie Gray was the guy who was tossed in to the back of a police van, and was subsequently tossed around said police van while in handcuffs. I hear those are good for bracing falls. The officers felt a good old fashioned hazing was in order and neglected to secure Mr. Gray, and drove around recklessly (always a good idea), so he sustained a welcome spinal cord injury and died a few days later. Apparently this has happened a few times before, fun fact.
Then along comes Walter Lamar Scott, pulled over at random no doubt by a gun brandishing police officer, a bit like those random searches at airports if you wear a turban. Mr. Scott then began running the fuck away from said gun wielding police officer, and lord knows why he did that. It's not like there's a history of police brutality towards black people or anything. Eager to quash the idea that such a thing exists, Michael Slager elected to shoot Mr. Scott dead. He even went the extra mile to lie in his official report, only to have a video surface days later showing he actually totally fucking murdered this guy. Smooth. You're probably thinking right now, "That's horrible, I bet those white police officers were severely punished!" Well, the officers that tossed Mr. Gray around like loose luggage were suspended with pay, because there's no reason why you still can't make a little money after murdering someone. As for Slager, well, he's confined to the comforts of his home, also known as house arrest until his trial later this year, meaning all black mailmen should request to be taken off of that route.
Amusingly, Slager was only charged with murder. Why is that funny? If a black police officer shot a white dude, you bet your ass he'd be charged with murder, desecration of a corpse, reckless driving, treason, public urination, and possession of child pornography. You see, only one of those charges has to stick for that guy to go to jail, so if Slager somehow eludes the murder charge, he's free to go. Justice! Woo! I'm hoping I don't have to write about more of these incidents in coming years. It starts to eat away at your soul after a short while. Thankfully, there was a protest in Baltimore after Freddie Gray was killed, so nothing like this will ever happen again. Surely.
Charleston Shooting - Confederate Flag Debate
While we're in this area, there was another racially charged shooting that took place in the US in 2015. Amazingly, it wasn't the police behind it this time. Instead it was a little white kid with a frankly embarrassing haircut. I suspect most of you thought the same thing. This one was clearly racist as a photo of the kid surfaced, still sporting the embarrassing haircut, alongside the Confederate flag. I think the kid also had a racist manifesto of sorts, not realizing that that's already been written, it's just kind of subtext in The Declaration of Independence. Shortly after this shooting, the old Confederate Flag debate opened again, which angered those in the United States proud of those defending the right to own slaves. Jeeze guys, stop taking their slaves away, have some decency.
|No doubt disappointed he wasn't cast in Home Alone|
Charlie Sheen has HIV
On a more positive note, this may quite possibly be the only case of HIV the world at large is happy about. It's all that tiger blood, that's how it gets you. The fact that he chose not to disclose the fact that he has HIV to everyone he fucked, means if he's ever turned in to a zombie, that team suddenly has a star player.
Lindsay Lohan hospitalized because of mosquitos
To keep the good times going, nature intervened on humanity's behalf and attacked Lindsay Lohan with mosquitoes. Apparently she contracted some rare disease in Bora Bora, not entirely dissimilar to the diseases she's likely already carrying. Now she has joint pain for the next while, meaning she won't be able to angrily reply to this article. Haha.
Patriots win Superbowl, Left Shark
The Patriots won the Superbowl this year, much to the dismay of true football fans every where. It was tragic, they have no idea they're all idiots. The real story of the Superbowl was Left Shark, who dominated the internet for a short period of time in 2015, I guess because he danced like an idiot for a bit. That's about as far as I can describe it...
Radio Shack is bankrupt
In shocking news, apparently Radio Shack still exists, but it's bankrupt now. Not 50 Cent bankrupt, I mean full on broke. If you wanted to know...
50 lane traffic jam in Beijing
The story that takes the "Holy Fucking Shit" category of 2015 cleanly. This is real. Look up the pictures yourself, it's worth it. Or hell, here's one:
Cecil the Lion
The only thing that made this story funny wasn't the fact that a bunch of elephants were poached in Kenya days later and no one gave a shit, but was in fact the guy who shot the thing. Mostly his excuses afterwards. He thought it was just a wandering lion, despite luring it out of its sanctuary, shooting it, and chopping its head off. Classy. As we all know, a dentist's crib isn't complete without a severed, stuffed lion head on the mantle. All that fuckin' root canal money sitting around, might as well do something metal with it. Now here's the cool part. He's not being prosecuted by the government of Zimbabwe, because all of his papers were somehow "in order". The people who were involved, however, are being charged with "failing to prevent an illegal hunt". Yep. That makes no sense.
A new Jurassic Park movie was released in 2015, with sexy man Chris Pratt, the adult version of Calvin, at the helm. The movie made a metric shit tonne of money, likely as a result of people needing to watch it a few times trying to find all of that sexism people talked about. I struggled personally. The lead lady oversees a whole fucking island covered in dinosaurs, saves Chris Pratt with a crossbow or whatever, releases a goddamn t-rex successfully with nothing but a flare, all while wearing high heels, but then she gets together with Chris Pratt at the end and now she's suddenly lost all of her feminist cred? This complaint no doubt voiced by legions of women violently finger blasting themselves to Chris Pratt. At no point did anyone raise their hand and suggest that the movie may possibly be mostly about dinosaurs. It's possible.
Star Wars: The Force Awakens
And it's shitting on every record you can think of. At the time of this writing, it has already re-enacted the torture scene from Casino Royale, with the Titanic firmly in the chair. It has even bested The Smurfs and Their Magic Cocksucking Tree, also known as the weirdly popular Avatar. You can tell how amazing Star Wars is, because people have tried to spark controversy surrounding it, a bit like that awkward Jurassic bullshit. Like mentioning how there's a female lead character, there's a black dude who isn't just a token black dude, and how Carrie Fisher supposedly didn't age well, and literally no one fucking cares. Everyone is too busy going, "STAR WARS! WEE!" Seriously, try and stir the pot a little. No one cares about you and your shit. It's magical.
Paris Climate Conference
Who knows what they could have possibly discussed, what with climate change being a hoax and all. AM I RIGHT?! It is a little bit funny how some people like that still exist in the world. There are people alive right now, who truly believe global warming is a hoax. I love it. It's like trying to argue that the colour yellow doesn't exist. Now, about the climate conference, this is interesting. Apparently, in order to limit the temperature increase to 1.5 degrees celcius, this means between 2030 and 2050, there has to be zero emissions. Don't you even think about exhaling or farting outside unless you want to cause a global event.
Justin Trudeau wins
Much to the dismay of conservative voters who consider democracy inconvenient, and who also don't bother to look in to the things they care about. Yes, the sexy Justin Trudeau was voted in to office in 2015, and he's kind of just been doing well. That's about as far as that story goes. The interesting aspect to his win, was the collective effort of young women world wide attempting to set feminism back as far as possible. I guess politics attracts faces only mothers can love, so when someone beautiful comes along, panties get soaked with the quickness. I'm not kidding. It's a matter of public record that there exists women out there that want to be finger banged by Justin. Keep it classy, ladies.
|Throw them panties at a wall and watch 'em stick|
The NDP won the majority in Alberta this year, and this story only makes the list because I live here, and my gosh has it been entertaining living here since. Watching everyone pretend they know things about Canadian politics and blaming Rachel Notley for things they don't understand is beautiful. It's like most people in Alberta are suffering from selective amnesia, or they weren't paying attention during the last government. In any case, I love living here, in a province where people lick their finger, see which way the wind is blowing, and decide to be offended by it.
Blue Jays reach playoffs
Oh yes, the Blue Jays playoff run that excited the what, 10 people who watched it? I guess whenever Toronto does something even slightly noteworthy, sports news cums all over itself, and I love it. The inevitable failure makes it entertaining for me, watching an entire city celebrate, only to have their mouths pissed in. Toronto's heroic playoff run amounted to a predictable queef, keeping the streak of mediocrity alive for all time.
Water on Mars (again)
In addition to noticing how it's apparently legal to murder black people in the US, the other trend I've noticed over the years is the fact that they find fucking water on Mars every goddamn year. But apparently this time is the real deal, because they found evidence of liquid water? Gaseous and solid water be damned, they went for the gusto, and the world cared about this for all of 30 seconds. The orgy at NASA, however, has lasted well in to the new year.
The longest reigning Queen
She may also have the distinction of most developed camel toe. She is one old ass fucking Queen. She looks like a microwaved ball sack.
If there's any confusion surrounding this story, let me help you. There's a lot of people walking away from bad shit, and straining the minds of idiots the world over who can't figure out why they would leave an active warzone, and assume these people are somehow also terrorists. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. I did it. I dumbed one of the most important events in human history down to a couple sentences. Suck it.
Women's world cup
Surprisingly, female soccer exists, and apparently the United States is pretty swell at it. The team is of course comprised entirely of butch lesbians, hardened by their enduring torment living in their terrible country. It was this strength that lead them to victory against Japan, and my contrived ignorance that pissed you off a sentence ago. Haha.
Iran Nuclear deal
To my understanding, the Iran Nuclear Deal is essentially Obama saying to Iran, "This might be a good time for you to stop being a dick, but only just a little, and only for a while." I invite you to explain this shit more clearly than that.
Greece is bankrupt
Greece ran in to a bit of trouble in 2015 when they forgot how money functions. Despite having a work week of 40 hours, which is above most European countries, this was not enough to free them from economic failure. As such, they're struggling to stay with the Euro, largely because of their own stupidity by all accounts, and it's entirely possible in time that they will revert to their previous currency, the fucking Drachma. That's awesome, because it might as well be worthless. I would invite supporters of Greece to pause for a moment, and think hard. Does anyone really care about Greece this much? Its own people ran out of fucks to give a long time ago.
|"I'm fucking broke!"|
Shanghai stock market falls 30%
Haha, fuck you, China. I've been told this is actually quite a big deal, but I don't care enough to explain it. All I can really tell you is that it happened, and fuck you, China. Not for any reason, I just felt like saying it.
Oh the marvelous FIFA scandal. The scandal that only could only have been more obvious if Monika Lewinsky came up and started sucking off Sepp Blatter when he announced the 2022 World Cup would take place in Qatar. Fucking Qatar. The modern slave state with temperatures similar to my ass crack on the surface of Mercury. You might as well host the tournament on the fucking moon. Now some things are happening and people are getting arrested and stuff.
You didn't know there were two earthquakes, did you? Oh yes, two earthquakes. One in April, and the next in May. The one in May was somewhat overlooked as it's considered more of an "aftershock", which is also referred to as, "doesn't count". The first earthquake reached a unit of measurement labelled "Violent" on a seismic scale, just slightly above the unit marked "I Shit Myself". Apparently, some Geophysicists had warned Nepal it was vulnerable to earthquakes, and I question what people are supposed to do with that information exactly. Great, let me just not live on this planet anymore? Then the second earthquake, also known by its other title "Kind of a dick", struck the region in May, and is notable because some buildings that escaped the first earthquake, were destroyed by this one. Spare!
Remember this bullshit? The black and blue dress inspired by Rihanna's face, was apparently also seen as gold and white to some people. People went shoe lace eating insane over this, some going so far as to write scientific articles that couldn't have amounted to more than, "lol, lighting". The dress is black and blue, as a matter of fact, you fucking assholes, and I hope the person who made the dress is dead now.
The fight that could only have been more hyped up if Jesus was in attendence, ended up being more disappointing than Tai Lopez. I didn't watch the fight or bother to research it for the purpose of this writing, because boxing is stupid. But to my limited understanding, nothing happened, and Mayweather won. Spoiler alert. One amusing aspect to this story was the fact that McCarren airport was clogged with private jets, meaning this fight was the largest gathering of assholes since the bathrooms at the Star Wars premiere, or the Kardashian family dinner.
Bautista flips bat
This guy named Bautista, a baseball player, flipped his bat. People got angry. You can swing the bat, but goddamnit you aren't allowed to flip it.
... why the fuck is this here?
|Also, that's called "throwing", not "flipping"|
Weed becomes legal in Alaska
Likely in an effort to curb the collective realization of Alaskans that they live in Alaska.
Waco, Texas Shootout
After far too many cookouts, some assholes thought it was high time for a shootout. After so many years of painting biker gangs as wholesome people, those same assholes elected to turn the tides slightly. Then it ended, and I'm told that all of those who died, died from gunshot wounds. Really?
Do yourself a favour and look this up. Any effort to describe how hilarious this is would be fruitless on my part. I'll just leave this picture here:
I know this story is supposed to be terrifying and tragic to a degree, but it's difficult to not laugh just a little bit. Part drug kingpin, part gopher, El Chapo escaped from a Mexican prison in 2015 thanks to a tunnel dug up in to his cell. Why is it difficult to not laugh at this? Besides the cartoonish subtext and images of Bugs Bunny aiding in the construction, El Chapo just so happens to be infamous for digging and subsequently escaping through hidden tunnels. Was there not one person in this prison who suggested he might try to escape by subterrainian means? This is the one situation you really should have been prepared for. Now authorities are "hoping to stop another escape", I assume by adding a little concrete, maybe some microphones? Hard soil at the very least. Perhaps a raised prison? If you see people with shovels a short distance away from the prison, they're probably trying to dig the dude out, and honestly, I hope they do. At this point I'm rooting for the fucker.
Dudes escape from Clinton Correctional
While we're on the subject of prison breaks, another one happened in 2015, and both of them involve digging, evidently the most popular means of prison breaking. I think television and movies have spoiled me, because I was hoping this escape was brilliant and clever in the extreme, but these two guys, David Sweat and Richard Matt just kind of dug their way out, Shawshank Redemption style. You just crave something original after a while, y'know? But I suppose if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and I'm going to assume this particular prison didn't treat Shawshank as a cautionary tale. I'm also going to assume David Sweat escaped solely for the amusing headline, "The Capture of Sweat".
Legal Gay Marriage across the United States
In one sweeping motion about mid-2015, the Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage was to be made legal across the entire United States. Before the ruling, a total of 36 states allowed gay marriage, so America was less The Land of The Free, more, The Land of The Mostly Free If You're White, In These Particular States, and Not Female. Now gay folks can marry the shit out of each other any where they want, though I imagine still feeling a little awkward about it. You know who else felt awkward about this?
The prestigous award for biggest cunt of the year, amazingly, doesn't go to Lindsay Lohan this time around, having swept the category several years in a row. Instead it goes to this basket of shit, Kim Davis. Eager to turn the tide against the entire United States, she bravely stated she would not marry any gay couples. Kim, take heart in the fact that no gay couple wants to marry you. HAHAHA, play on words, go fuck yourself. Also, it's not up to you. They'll just go some where else. You probably should have thought this through.
|Maybe a little|
Pope Francis visits the US
Pope "Goddamn" Francis visited the United States in 2015, and then decided to visit Cuba. While he was there, he stopped by and had a little chat with Fidel Castro. I had no idea Castro was still alive, holy shit! That is one old fucking man. He looks like water damaged wall paper, draped over the Queen's left tit. No doubt he also visited this side of the world to sample all of the available children, because child abuse! HAHAHA!
The second Royal baby
The royal family has a fierce rivalry with the Kardashian family for families that I wouldn't mind drowning in bacon grease. I just don't like the fact that she's called "A Royal Baby". She's just another pants shitting baby I don't want to see photos of, that's all she is. But she was born in 2015 so there you go I guess.
Cuba and the US talk after 54 years
No doubt they broke the uncomfortable silence with discussions about the weather, and where they see themselves in 10 years.
This story was personally interesting to me, because a friend of mine was in China a week before this explosion. His proximity to the explosion had he been there could be described as, "Just down the street". That's like a reschedule and missed flight away from, let's face it, a pretty fucking awesome way to go. This was a huge fucking explosion. It left a crater the Moon could fit in. It was like a car driving in to a parking meter in Hollywood level explosion. Even the sun said "Holy fuck!" You know there was at least one person masturbating in China that timed his orgasm perfectly.
Women ruin everything.
87th Academy Awards
I didn't watch the Oscars, but I'm going to assume the win eluded DiCaprio again, as the internet hasn't quite stopped laughing at him yet. May he never win, for our collective amusement, though I suspect DiCaprio doesn't struggle in life very often. Unfortunately, it seems as though we'll have to find something new to laugh at in 2016, as he's poised to win the oscar having consumed raw meat for his newest film, The Revenant, the movie filmed in the apartment directly above me. He's really giving it a go this time. May I offer a suggestion to you old fat white dudes who pick the winners? Don't give him the win. His first attempt involved mild racism and drug abuse, and then he upgraded to eating the cock of a buffalo OFF OF THE BUFFALO. Push him farther, I want to see if he smears semen all over himself, and then chisels it off to make a statue.
Affluenza kid on the run
Remember that idiot kid who had no sense of morality or empathy, and lacked the ability to understand his actions because he was born with money, and that made it legally acceptable to murder people? Well, he certainly understood directions to Mexico. Yes, in an attempt to convince the public of his obliviousness, he decided the best way of doing that would be to flee the country and disappear. Good move. He was of course found in Mexico extremely quickly. I guess there are things that money can't buy, like a good hiding spot. Haha.
Serena Williams loses
Serena Williams, the mountain that achieved sentience, finally lost something in 2015. This was a big deal to some people, mostly her I imagine, because she missed out on the chance to win five Grand Slams in a row? I guess you could say she caused quite the racket! BWAHAHAHA! Anyway, the fact that people still play tennis was news to me, nevermind Serena. In actuality, this story caught my attention because of the enormous influx of people claiming Serena looks like a man. I don't know how that factors in to her losing exactly, but I must say, it offended me. Mostly because people were treating it like it was new. She's been called a man, and by all accounts has been a fucking man beast for years now. What kind of breaking news is this? She's a giant bicep with arms, legs, and a tennis racket.
I don't know who this person was, but I suspect he was smarter than your average bear.
I like to imagine him being eaten by one of the demons inhabiting the book he was writing, or by the book itself. At least that's how I think he'd want to go.
The extremely distinguished blues guitarist died in 2015, and people the world over shed a tear over someone they now had to pretend they listened to on a regular basis. Name me a fucking song by B.B. King right now, you lying fucks.
This was particularly upsetting for me, because his passing was barely mentioned in the news. You just glance over Saruman dying? Excuse me, that's like ignoring naked Emma Watson, because she rarely escapes mention in my writings, and I need to meet my quota. Now, in fairness, the guy looked like a 20 year old dog covered in lumps, with bags under his eyes big enough to carry groceries in, so I'm assuming people thought he was dead already. Lee will be missed, particularly his booming voice, which sounded like a cinder block after a shot of whiskey.
Well, Spock's dead. That's as far as my emotions travelled on this subject.
|Well, he got the Prosper part down|
This guy named Omar Sharif died in 2015, and he's only featured on this list because if you catch him at the right angle, he looks exactly like the fucking Winter Soldier.
Bobbi Kristina Brown
Upholding the family legacy perhaps?
The unofficial nickname I've given that kid who brought that "clock" to school and caused a bomb scare. Y'know, because it shared the likeness of a bomb. Most high school teachers know precisely what a bomb looks like, as they are part time bomb techs. The job is so much easier when the item belongs to someone brown as well. Statistics are on your side there. This has little to do with racism, clearly. Because of the quick judgment displayed by the teacher, the kid was promptly arrested, and no one bothered to evacuate the school or anything. Yes, let the confusion wash over you, but don't let it distract you from the true meaning behind this story. Everyone involved here was an idiot. Let's be honest, what kind of clock looking clock was that, kid? That was a bunch of bullshit in a suitcase. And what the hell kind of bomb looking bomb was that, grown-ups? That was a bunch of bullshit in a suitcase. As for Ahmed Mohamed, after he was detained illegally, he got to visit Obama, and now he's studying in... Qatar. Not the happiest of endings there...
Singapore turns 50
I'll give you a hint as to how important this story is. It was mentioned in this article. That's about what it's worth. Congrats to Singapore all the same. Thanks for the noodles!
After dismissing Pluto as a planet, I'm surprised we didn't see a giant middle finger on the planet's surface instead of a heart. Thankfully no one was wearing a t-shirt covered in naked women this time, otherwise everyone would have overlooked how fucking incredible this is. What a shame that would have been. Luckily nothing that fucking stupid has ever happened before.
Back To The Future
The week I spent groaning on the internet. Apparently we reached the date seen in Back To The Future, and people lost their minds. Unfortunately, we still don't have hoverboard technology, so the future we ended up with is hopelessly bleak. They put wheels on a hoverboard...
She was THE woman of 2015, and also set female drivers back slightly.
Oh, what's that? Ricky Gervais recently told that joke? Well, it sure is a good thing people know that I write these months in advance, otherwise people might accuse me of stealing from him, and looked like complete fucking idiots.
David Letterman signs off
Beloved by many for his ability to sit and have discussions with people I care very little about, he will now no longer do that. Why is this news?
|The face of a man who got paid to do nothing|
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner break up
I suspect they weren't able to wash themselves clean of the Daredevil movie, and when Batffleck came around, Garner just couldn't handle it anymore. That's a lot of shame to live down in one life time.
In an effort to keep No Doubt some what relevant, controversy arose concerning Gwen Stefani and to the practices of her vagina. To my understanding of her 2015, she was married to some guy, but they divorced, and now she's with some guy named Blake? Interestingly enough, despite the fact that I have put absolutely zero effort in to this inscription, this is not a grotesque departure from facts. You probably won't be able to find a writing of higher quality on this subject either. This is fucking stupid. What is neat about it though, is that apparently a Nanny was a key factor in the break up, and a Nanny was also a part of the Affleck Garner split. It's a conspiracy. Fuckin' Nannies, man.
Come to think of it, that may be the problem.
This guy I never knew existed ran over someone with his truck, an event captured on video, and was charged with murder shortly afterwards. Yup. People tend to die when you run them over. I suppose this counts as news.
Zayn Malik leaves One Direction
Sources report that he discovered that there are in fact several other directions.
The singer who was never told "Skyfall" isn't spelt with two O's made headlines in 2015, as one of her videos scored 27 million views in a single day on YouTube. I can't be bothered to find which one. All you really need to know, is that the second Star Wars trailer got more views. Haha.
So that's what it meant to Eat Fresh...
I don't know if you realize this, but this story has been going on for years now. Cosby has been in the news more than Ebola, and finally some things are happening. To bring you up to speed, all you really need to know is that 55 women have accused Bill Cosby of "sexual misconduct" as it were. People tend to brush it off if it's just one or two women accusers, but when 55 women step forward... If you heard that your dentist killed 55 people, something's probably going on there. Oh, and when I said some things are happening, Cosby was arrested on a sexual assault charge from 2004, but was released on bail. Now he's currently filing countersuits against 7 of the 55 women, seeking retractions and damages, because rape ain't cheap!
I included the question mark because I can't recall exactly when the Apple Watch was released, a bit like how I can't recall every fart that's ever squeaked out of my ass. The latter fills me with sadness, and the surrounding air with eggy ass. Incidentally, Apple appears to be taking the approach of a stubborn asshole to its products, desperately squeezing, hoping something useful happens, when they should probably just wipe and go about their day. Eager to hammer the point home that this company likes straining pockets and has run out of ideas, the Apple Watch was farted in to our faces to the delight of the 9 people that bought it, and that's including the one burned in praise for Steve Jobs. No word yet on the Apple Sex Toy Line, but count me interested.
|Your chances of being mugged have tripled!|
The version of Windows that left more than a few people questioning exactly what happened to Windows 9. Don't explain it to me, I already know. No one cares, fuck you. Moving on, previous Windows users were invited to upgrade to Windows 10 for free, and a staggering number of people declined. Less people decline baked crickets at carnivals. It may have had something to do with all of those bizarre problems people ran in to when they upgraded, which seems to be par for the course when it comes to Microsoft. Now Windows 10 mimicks Paris Hilton in that no one really talks about it anymore. Interestingly, there was technology implemented in Windows 10 that would supposedly detect pirated software. I haven't bothered to research exactly what that means or if it's true, but it still leaves me curious. If you had a pirated copy of Windows 7 and upgraded to 10, would a black hole swallow the earth?
Yes, a deflated ball handled primarily by assholes and rapists shares the same suffix as a scandal involving the president in the 1970s. No doubt it's equally as serious, you fucking idiots. Apparently Tom Brady and The Patriots let the air out of some footballs and gained an enormous tactical advantage, then people got angry and stuff. That's about what news boils down to nowadays. The best part of this story is that the coach tried to explain how the balls could have been slightly deflated by Martians or something, which prompted a reply from BILL FUCKIN' NYE! Bill Nye should regularly call people out on their bullshit.
Limb grown in lab
This story is a bit disingenous, as the title implies the limb was grown entirely from scratch. It wasn't. They basically ripped it off of a dead rat, attached it to another rat, and I guess it grew a little after that? I think the limb is taking a little too much credit for itself, personally. Smarmy asshole. Now unfortunately for science, count me in the unexcited portion of humanity for this break through. Until I can fuck it or masturbate with it, no one cares. It's a rule. I checked.
The Search For Extraterrestrial Intelligence is exactly as it sounds, we're looking for aliens now. Smart aliens only apparently, given the title. Word is, the most constipated person on earth is spearheading the project.
Melting permafrost will fuck our planet in 2100
Apparently permafrost is beginning to melt because global warming isn't real, resulting in a slow leak of carbon dioxide, which, as the title says, will fuck our planet in 2100, right on the nose. In other news, permafrost is now referred to as almostfrost, or just regular frost.
I don't know why people are as obsessed with doomsday as they are, but one of their objects of affection happens to be this fucking volcano everyone keeps talking about. It made headlines in 2015 because some assholes discovered it has so much more fucking magma in it than previously thought. So much so that it could fill the Grand Canyon 1000 times over, and it's due for an eruption soon. Great. You keep telling me about this scary volcano, and I'll tell you what a vagina feels like.
First warm blooded fish found!
Proving forever more that if you need to hide something, the ocean is the best hiding spot on earth, next to the Pope's asshole.
While we're on the subject, a sunken ship was discovered in late 2015, with billions of dollars of treasure on board. People lost interest pretty quickly, sadly, as almost immediately after the discovery, people started bickering about what belongs to who and whatnot, ruining any chance of excitement, like onions. This is why we can't have nice things. In regards to the ship, it dates back to the 1600's, and it's taken the English this long to stop laughing. Also, those sailors would be fucking pissed off if they knew about online banking nowadays.
The Universe Burning Out
It's the end of days! Scientists that no one knows are saying that the Universe is slowly burning out, and will eventually be cold, dark, and desolate, hundreds of billions of years from now. So it will essentially be exactly what it already is then, you fucking assholes?
Donald Trump announced his presidential run to the delight of idiots and conspiracy theorists everywhere in 2015. He has since offended everyone on earth, and that's about it, really. People who don't understand math are convinced that Trump will be the next president, but he won't be, so it won't be long before we all forget he exists, but we will never let him forget about his hair. What the fuck is that thing? It looks like a broomstick auditioning for porn. It looks like the bush of a German math teacher. It looks like someone took a huge straightener to a wheat field and then farted on it. It looks like a mistake held in place with contact cement. His hair is so bad, he literally beat his wife because of it. You'd be surprised how long I can keep doing this. Anyway, beyond his hair that looks like he combed tit milk and horse semen through it, people are losing their shit over The Simpsons predicting his presidential run years ago. I would like to inform you all now that he announced political aspirations as early as 1987, so you can shut up now, you fortune cookie, astrology, palm reading circus freaks.
Total eclipse of the moon
I don't know how anyone managed to document this, considering how you weren't allowed to look directly at it. What a load of bullshit.
Well, not only is California in the middle of the worst drought in its history, but it also happens to be on fire. I still can't quite figure out how though, what with global warming being a hoax and all. It's weird how those things that don't exist tend to dictate so much of human life, like God for example.
South Carolina floods
And on the other end of the spectrum, we have South Carolina, which received a bit too much water in 2015, and the state drowned and stuff. If you think about it, we have a bit of an abusive relationship with water. It's the gateway to a blowjob someone will enjoy giving you, or it ruins all of your possessions and drowns you. On the brightside, all of those hillbillies finally took baths! It's ok, I can say that. I have friends in North Carolina. South Carolina sucks by definition.
Germanwings Flight 9525
Trying to make this story funny to any degree seems like a severe breach of taste, but it did help me prove a theory of mine concerning writing about plane crashes. If we know what happens to the airplane, it's a tragedy. If we don't know what happens to the airplane, it's funny.
I suppose since we're in German territory, this murdered woman was found alive in 2015, very much not murdered. She disappeared from her life as a student in the 80's, taking near comical steps to ensure that she would never be found, and taking advantage of the fact that everyone thought she was murdered as balls. She assumed the life of a ghost that has access to cash and not much else. She didn't have a bank account, drivers license, social security card, or a passport. This is a level of precaution equal to espionage, and then someone fucked everything up when they called in a burglary, and she was found. The prevailing theory is that the Cold War played a factor in her disappearance, meaning she is possibly the most useless spy ever. Good theory, boys. As near as I can figure out, she did it because she felt like it. She won't offer any sort of explanation for her disappearance or behavior, a bit like how there's not a satisfying or logical explanation for taking a shit in your friend's pillow. She's essentially telling the world to fuck off, and that's as far as this goes. What a fucking bitch, I love it!
|Wait, what's up with that face?|
And the top story of the year goes to Martin Shkreli! You probably don't recognize the name. I'll give you a hint. You may have referred to him as, "That fucking asshole" at some point in 2015. Oh yes, it's the HIV medicine man, who boasts a face I can easily imagine myself peeing on.
He's the asshole who drastically raised the price of Daraprim, which treats something you don't care about day to day, and when I use the word "drastically", I mean he increased it by 5000%. Holy SHIT. In fairness to the man, this isn't the first time something like this has happened, but to be unfair, that doesn't make him any less of a piss head. He also wasn't doing himself any favours by raising the price of a drug that targets Chagas Disease by 100,000% shortly after this controversy. At that point you have to decide whether or not you want to keep having Chagas Disease, whatever that is, or make house payments, goddamn. I would stick with the house, personally. I'd start rubbing my Chagas all over the fucking place, hurt the resale value. Thankfully this story has a happy ending, as the universe does have a sense of comical justice. This asshole got himself arrested for security fraud, and then someone sold Daraprim for about $1 a pill. Kiss a dick, Martin!
And that was 2015! Don't ask me how Russia and North Korea evaded mention, I don't know either. With any luck Putin will eat Kim Jong-un and stir the pot a little next year. Oh, and DiCaprio didn't actually eat any dicks, I just wanted you to Google it. Until next time!