Friday, January 21, 2011

7 Positive Strides I Could Have Taken Today, But Didn't

I came across a good quote earlier today: "It does not do to dwell on dreams, you forget how to live." I don't often remember my dreams much less dwell on them, with the exception of that one dream where I was fighting zombies and had a flying rhino, so I completely agree with that quote. It does not do to dwell on dreams. You need a take charge attitude in life. If you want something, you just reach out and grab it, a lesson that could potentially land you a kick to the balls and a jail sentence. But I do believe in taking charge of my life, or at least I did...
You see, I had the day off work today, so I planned to seize this day, this opportunity, to take positive strides in my life, to make my life better. Something had definitely lit a fire under my ass, but sadly forgot to fill the cauldron, so I ended up squandering the entire day doing absolutely nothing. It was a little disgusting, to be honest. If only I had been able to summon any enthusiasm today, I could have:
7. Went for a bike ride
There are a number of convenient activities that one can engage in to get in shape. You can pick up a sport like soccer, basketball or volleyball where all you have to do is run around and either kick, pound or throw balls. You can also go jogging, which is basically just walking a little faster than normal. At that point you have no excuses for not trying something to get in shape, excusing the generally absurd clothes you have to wear and perhaps extreme allergies. But none of those activities I listed actually matter, because the best one ever is also the one I enjoy the most: biking.
This summer it was my intention to make an upstanding effort towards getting in better shape. I'm not a big tub of goo or anything, but the winter usually makes me feel like one. After a few weeks of rigorous biking, I'm happy to report success in my endeavour. After biking every day and eating healthier, I find myself to be more energetic, I'm falling asleep easier, and good god, the shits I'm taking? Terrifying, and strangely buoyant. Now, when you set your mind to something, it's a good idea to keep determined and sternly refuse to flounder. So after playing soccer on sunday and biking on monday, I wanted to keep the streak alive by going for one long ass bike ride this morning.
What did I do instead?
I slept in like a goddamn cow, or some other animal that sounds lazy. I slept so well and for so long, I'm pretty sure I could have been pronounced legally dead. The thought of having to get up, put some pants on, make and eat breakfast, brush my teeth, go outside then go biking for a few hours, it was too much. I didn't even get as far as making and eating breakfast. Simply having to put pants on put me off the idea immediately. There was also definitely a point in there somewhere when I scratched my ass.

6. Registered for upgrading courses
It's amazing how times and people change. For example, I actually garnered enjoyment from school when I was a kid. I enjoyed going, I enjoyed the atmosphere, and I enjoyed feeling superior to everyone else because I already played three sports, played two instruments, had a mild understanding of C++ and Calculus, and I wrote a book. Granted, it wasn't a very good book, it was based off of my lego creations, but a book nonetheless. Incidentally, I may have also enjoyed cocaine.
Cake is awesome too. Just throwing that out there

It was right around the time junior high hit when I started experiencing withdrawal issues at not having recess anymore, and the little hairs manifesting around my nipples were more interesting than school. The math equations at that stage had more than three numbers, and that just didn't fly with me. Then when high school hit, you could have simulated my existence just as well by poorly drawing a face on a plank of wood, much like the rest of the student body, with the exception of people on school teams, those shaved-legged cunts. Well the first two years were fine, I just stopped going in grade 12 because it was a pointless bullshit year.
If you're wondering why, well first they wouldn't let me in to two courses despite having the required prerequisites. When I asked why, it was like trying to hold a discussion with a flock of pigeons that'd been huffing nitrous oxide. Then my guitar teacher would leave 10 minutes into the class and never come back, my teacher for another course didn't exist, and finally, my social teacher talked about conspiracy theories every single class instead of teaching the course. He once brought up that fake story about subliminal messages being used in movie theaters, and when the audience was flashed pictures of popcorn, suddenly everyone got hungry or something. I raised my hand and suggested that maybe people just like eating popcorn at movies, then he insulted my heritage infront of the entire class. We were supposed to be studying ideologies... People are so surprised when I tell them that I hate school.
But a year and a half after high school, I felt I was ready to finish my courses. I simply had to head into the city to register, and today was the perfect day to do it. It's summer, and it's one of the rare days that it's actually warm, so women walk around in skirts and tan their titties and stuff, it's awesome. Nothing could go wrong.

What did I do instead?
I'm sure it would have been a fulfilling endeavour, but I'm afraid that I was still too busy refusing to leave my bed. You'd think I would be more open to getting up after I farted in my own sheets twice, but my bed was abnormally comfy. It didn't want me to leave. I think it wanted to have sex with me, which is probably the plot to some japanese manga, come to think of it. Or maybe it's because I'm so used to sleeping on tires. Eventually I did get up, and I'm fairly certain that right when the bus that I could have been on was leaving, I was taking a huge piss in my toilet. A frighteningly long one too. I could have drowned my neighbour's annoying cat with my urine. I rationalized this decision later by telling myself that going pee was more fulfilling than getting my life back on track, or rather, unfulfilling! BAH HAHAHAHA! Get it, because I'm peeing? Sorry, I'll stop.

5. Learned how to drive
Driving is an invaluable skill that makes your life more convenient, just slightly ruins the environment, and unintentionally promotes laziness. It's a skill that I probably should have invested time in earlier in life, so that when I eventually charm the right woman with my ceaseless arsenal of stale jokes, I won't have to enlist the services of my mommy to take us to the movies, or take the bus with weird smelling hippies and drunken homeless people. However, for the past few months, I've been studying the driver's handbook relentlessly, dead set on taking and passing the learners exam, perhaps even violating it slightly in the process.
I felt I was as prepared as I'm ever going to be, and this morning was a wondrous opportunity to just go in and get it done. I was going to be in the area anyway after registering my courses, why not go for it? That is also question I encourage men to think of while they're making out with sexy ladies, minus the registering courses bit. And when I say that I was in the area, I mean that the registry is literally 30 seconds walking distance from the school, so the only excuse I could have had to skip out on that would be if I got shot or attacked by a mob of women. All signs pointed to yes. If I had opened a fortune cookie, it would have slapped me in the face and screamed, "fuck yeah!" That is the best joke I've come up with today.

What did I do instead?
If you've been paying attention thus far, you may remember how I was going to the bathroom instead of going to school. When the thought of taking the learners exam came into my head, if I remember correctly, that is about when I treated myself to a bowl of cheerios so big, if I had any kind of decency in general, nevermind the decency to share, realistically I could have fed about 10 people. But I didn't. I poured that bowl and shamelessly ate all those sexy cheerios all by myself. It's not that driving isn't important to me, it's just not important today. Unless my hypothetical girlfriend who wanted to see a movie today was prepared to carry me, or show up at my house with a saddle on her back, I reserve the evening for microwaved spaghetti and Halo.

4. Met a nice girl
For a guy like me, it's difficult to meet women. I work in a kitchen, so I don't interact with customers often, and I hate going out to the bar. That doesn't open too many doors. However, I've been in a good mood lately, feeling pretty good about myself. I'm staying in shape, making money, eventually going back to school despite the set back this morning, and hey, if there's a law against being handsome, guilty as charged. So I had all the confidence in the world today. It was my day off, why not go out and shamelessly hit on girls? I'm sure nice ones exist somewhere, and I'm sure I could get one of them to fall in love with me.

What did I do instead?
Nothing, really. That confidence I mentioned earlier, I just used it to line up sick no scopes in Halo 3. A good, normal excuse would be that the promise of bear mace and getting a boot in the testicles detracted from the idea of flirting with women slightly, but no. I'm more honest and realistic. I think that since I now wash dishes and make appetizers in a restaurant, the only thing I have to do now is move into my mommy's basement and the ladies will simply come to me. Then I just proceed from that point.

3. Wrote a hit song
Have you ever just been sitting in your house alone, all manner of inspiring, extraordinary ideas racing through your mind, but you can't seem to pinpoint exactly what it is you want to do, and you forget to write shit down, so you just sit there doing nothing and eventually all that adrenaline has been leeched from your body and you hate yourself? Story of my life. But today was different. Rather than let my grandiose ideas and energy go to waste, I decided to channel it and focus it on music. I've been playing guitar since I was four, and I do enjoy writing from time to time, why not combine the two and write a hit song?
It's not hard to write a song. Think about a girl that pissed you off once, write two paragraphs about how she's a bitch and repeat a certain line over and over again for the chorus. Bingo. Blink 182 only used about five chords for the entirety of Enema of the State, I'm sure I can handle writing one song. With a catchy beat and deep lyrics, I would soon be having sex with ladies on top of my enormous money pile, because people don't write music for any other reason, except acquiring drugs.

What did I do instead?
I watched Mantracker. It was off the hook! Mantracker did all this dramatic stuff like closely examining irregular debris in the forest to gauge the direction his victims went in, then he chased down this poor woman who felt it was a good idea to run through an open field. The man has a goddamn horse, lady. What were you thinking? Then he caught her partner and gave his ass the beatdown in the middle of the forest. Hahaha, he fell down then tried to get back up, then fell over again and Mantracker shut him down, "Had enough, bitch?" The dude was obviously gay too, which made it a little bit more funny. And to think I used to think this show was retarded! Needless to say, I forgot about the song fairly quickly. Besides, Justin Timberlake already stole my idea for Rock Your Body, so what's the point?
My beautiful eyeball fucking hollowed out lite-brite cube... Damn you, Justin!

2. Wrote a best selling book
You may have already guessed that I enjoy writing a little bit and think I'm extremely funny. You've also probably figured it out by now that I had the whole day off. Maybe it's because I've mentioned it about six times now. Pay attention, asshole. So after failing to make myself leave my house, I had nothing to do all day. Normally I just sit around coming up with knock knock jokes, but why not employ this time to a useful end, like parlaying my satirical, offensive writing talents into a best selling book? I've written books before, it aren't that hard. It can't possibly be that difficult to assemble a best seller in a single day. That bitch Stephen King does it all the time.

What did I do instead?
I filmed my music video to "Sucks To be You" by Prozzak. There's always the possibility that I could somehow become a professional writer some day, so I will be getting paid to horrify you. If that ever happens, I figured it would be wise to have a video sitting around of exactly who any potential future employers will be dealing with.

1. Hell, I could have done my laundry
Clean clothes are like the garden hose, they're both nice things to have around when you get dog shit on you somehow. On the days that I work, I don't have time to do laundry. First I sleep in, then I eat cereal, then I play videogames for several hours, then I shower, then I refuse to do laundry, then I go to work. Cut me some slack, it's a demanding schedule. But there was no schedule today, because I had the day off wor- oh come on. I had the whole day infront of me to pick up my laundry basket, walk downstairs, and throw my shit in the laundry machine. It practically does all the work for me.

What did I do instead?
I just didn't do my laundry, so I have to continue wearing this underwear for the next two days, because I don't plan on doing my laundry tomorrow either. Wait a minute, why didn't I go out and meet a girl today? I'm irresistible. So what do I plan on tomorrow? Pressing my ass against my front window to see how many people notice sounds like a good place to start.

Incase you're wondering, yes, I made that all up for the sake of comedy, to congratulate myself in about the weirdest way possible. You see, I actually did do all that stuff today, minus meeting the nice girl part. Psh, women. Misleading the innocence with their disingenuous emotions, who needs them? Incidentally, I'm still not gay.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

5 Current Events That I Don't Care About

Since the only memories I have from childhood involve me being awesome and making out with hot chicks, I can't narrow down exactly when I made the conscious decision to not care about current events that didn't involve me. All I knew when I was a kid was that the news is boring and I have cartoons to watch. Not a lot has changed since my childhood. Nowadays the only energy I'm ever determined enough to expend is to play videogames, examine the lint that sometimes collects in my bellybutton and scratch my ass a bunch. You could say I'm lazy, but I just can't bring myself to care about current events, especially because they pose no threat to me, and without a clearer understanding of who will be impressed.
Not knowing anything about current events doesn't exactly hinder your social abilities. All my friends and I talk about is our farts. Our conversations wouldn't be more lively even if we all cared about shit like The Gold Standard or trade tariffs. Wait, are those even current events or just things that sort of exist? Anyway, a lot of people lately have been trying to convince me that the current events at time of writing are a big deal, often hysterically, and scold me for being an uninformed, dick-brained asstard. It's been happening so much lately, I've been forced to write an article venting my completely reasonable frustrations. Here's a list of current events you can stop bugging me about:

5. Korea and China
So apparently Korea and China are two of the biggest issues of the present day, which surprises me. Where the hell is Japan? Is no one bothered by all the robots and all that tentacley porn madness? Are people just desensitized now, or did Godzilla finally eat the country? Whenever people complain to me about asian people, I'm accustomed to hearing only three things. The food they ate last night was the greatest thing they've ever eaten, but made them hate themselves shortly after consumption, asian drivers are the most god awful drivers on the face of the planet, until someone puts their pet bear behind the wheel, and finally, I just got my fucking ass kicked at StarCraft. I actually don't know anything else about asian people, so Korea and China being a problem lately is extra confusing, especially because people can't even explain exactly why they're a big deal, so I decided to look into it to see what all the fuss is about.
After my tireless research of watching an episode of Holmes of Homes, I learned that China is one of the biggest issues nowdays because they make all our stuff faster, cheaper and don't treat their workers right or something, and are supposedly taking over the world. I would say I don't care, but it's more like I don't mind. Someone else can care about that. Korea is a big deal, or more specifically, North Korea is the problem, because it's baseball bat shit insane and is now a nuclear power. Hysterical people tell me that I should be worried about how they are poised to use these weapons, and I don't even care about that. Even if the koreans were stupid enough to launch a nuke, why would they aim it at canada? It'd just freeze a couple miles above the surface and plop pathetically to the ground. Then I'd walk up to the dead shell and fuck it.
I guess I could read a book and learn exactly why China is such a big deal, but c'mon, reading? Who has that kind of time?

4. The Large Hadron Collider
I happened upon a story about something called The Large Hadron Collider one day, and decided to read about it because I thought it sounded stupid. Also because the person who brought it to my attention seemed to be in such an enormous panic, I was forced to assume he set himself on fire or woke up next to a panther in the morning.
The article was peppered with fancy scientific jargon, which I've always wondered if scientists even understand themselves, or just use big words a bunch to try and get laid. Hey, scientists are kinda like me! Anyway, I didn't understand absolutely everything, but basically this collider is a giant ass machine that will give us fascinating insight into the mysteries of the universe. It's also literally named, which disappoints me. Scientists came up with a word that's like 400 characters long. You're telling me you couldn't think of a cool name for this machine? I got one for you: The Colossal Matter Fucker. Tell me that isn't awesome. I swear, I should be a highly paid humour consultant.
Anyway, I have no problem with advances in humanity's understanding of the universe, so I thought it was interesting. It was a good read, but then something happened. Well first they turned it on and it broke, so hahahahaha, but that's not what I mean. People happened. With every new advancement in science or technology comes hysterical people, and this was no exception. It's like when companies upgrade their software. Odds are the bulk of the employees hate it, and the only coping mechanism is screaming madness. Now imagine potentially rewriting the fundamental laws of the universe. I don't see the big deal either, but some people care about this kind of stuff.
People weren't even worried for a good reason. People were worried that this machine was going to create a black hole that would suck up the earth and kill us all in an instant. Whether there was science to back up this concern is beyond me. Even if there was, why would you ever be worried about such a thing? That sounds fucking cool! Come on, guys. The world isn't going to end when they turn it on, settle down. If it actually does? Well, fuck.

3. Swine Flu
Sweet jesus people refuse to shut up about swine flu. I read about it in passing when it first surfaced, and didn't even make it halfway through the story before deciding that clipping my toenails or doing my laundry was more interesting. What I didn't know at the time is that the story had resulted in a pandemic, and I would soon hear and see nothing but swine flu panic everywhere I went. I was hearing stories of people being quarantined, they were shutting down schools left and right, including mine, people were wearing masks all over the city and they almost shut down the fucking University of Alberta.
I didn't see a reason to worry, so I just enjoyed my week off school. I took to being cooly detached from genuine concern, and lo and behold, it served me nicely, because from what I can tell, that initial senseless fear and panic is over and people don't really care about swine flu anymore. Sadly there are still people out there who haven't been informed that it's not a big deal anymore, so I'm still hearing shit like, "It's sweeping the planet!" or "There's no cure!"
For those that are still convinced that swine flu is a serious problem, consider this. I could go to the trouble of organizing and making sense of the many scattered facts and figures about swine flu, just to see if it's actually dangerous. I could compare the casualties of swine flu to say, regular flu casualties, or alcohol, smoking and car accident casualties per day, just to show you the massive difference. I could, but at what point will you realize that there are bigger problems out there than swine flu? Take precautions if you feel you must, but don't throw yourself into a panic, and certainly don't bother me about it. I don't care about these things for a good reason.
What people should be concerned with is the odourless, incurable plague that has already swept the planet. It's called Facebook. People update that shit from their phones... God help us all.

2. The Global Recession
I remember a time not too long ago where my life was a cavalcade of sunshine and happiness, then when I, when we all least expected it, BAM, we were plunged into economic crisis. It was the result of a financial crisis. There was a rapid increase in valuations of property, then there was some deregulation of real estate mortgages, then some other stuff happened that I'm too lazy to explain, and investment and commercial banks across the globe suffered enormous losses, some even on the verge of bankruptcy, then there was a bailout or something?

I'm not sure if any of that is accurate, in order or if I missed anything. Doing actual research isn't my cup of tea. I have pockets of information on what happened after everything, but a figure that should tickle you a little is the 20 million jobs that have been lost. A legion of lazy teenagers, not being paid to do things slowly and wrong.
Of course, that's a figure that should tickle you, and when I said my life was a cavalcade of fun things in the first paragraph, I should have said that it hasn't changed. I've been quite content through this whole crisis ignoring it completely. People kept telling me that the economic crisis was horrible, and I just kept agreeing with everyone, without a clear understanding of the scale of it all. I could have solved that problem by doing some light research or watching the news, but if you've been paying attention through this article, you've probably figured out that I don't care about anything. What, will the world's problems suddenly be solved in a 20 year old man writing a satire article starts caring about stuff? My contribution to society is urinating on public property, stop bothering me about this goddamn recession. Also, I have a job so haha, eat my ass.

1. 2012
This one disgusts me. It's stupid, it shouldn't even be a current event. Swine flu makes more sense than this. So apparently there's this calendar that's going to "run out" or something on December 21st 2012, resulting in cataclysmic and apocalyptic events that will rip the earth apart and kill us all, and recently this has become a bit of a concern for a lot of people. Like, a ridiculous amount of people. People who I suspect can't be sexually satisfied until they read about the end of the world. What is so attractive about this subject anyway? What the fuck did the earth ever do to you?
This calendar thing doesn't even make sense. There's so many questions left unanswered. How exactly will a calendar running out be the catalyst for... whatever it is that's supposed to rip our planet apart? Come to think of it, what exactly is supposed to rip our planet apart? Meteors? Storms? Earthquakes? A black hole? Bears? I don't think this is ever really specified. Furthermore, since I live in Canada, will the world end over in Europe before it ends over here? They'll be in December 21st before I am. That's straight up cruelty right there.

What we have here is a classic case of incredibly vague apocalypse theory. As a general rule of thumb, if you have no scientific evidence to support what you're saying, that tends to invalidate everything you're saying. You'd be surprised how long I can keep verbally kicking 2012 in the balls, but I can sum up my feelings towards 2012 rather quickly. Remember back in 2000 when the world ended? Oh that's right, because it fucking didn't. How is 2012 any different? Some people with no understanding of the modern world wrote it on a piece of parchment hundreds and hundreds of years ago? Is it so hard to admit that people who lived years before us believed in some really stupid shit?

It's just a bunch of gullible, paranoid, superstitious idiots thrown into a panic for no reason. Nothing is going to happen in the December of 2012. I guarantee it, and certainty is a rare commodity. But go ahead, take all the necessary precautions you want. I'll be the guy sitting here in January 2013, laughing my ass off. Unless the world actually does end, inwhich case, I'll see you in hell, won't I?

Now stop bothering me about all this shit. My hands are tired from strangling people all the time.