Tragically, I've had to settle for the boring alternative of actually liking things. So I come to you today not as the extremely handsome literary psychopath you know, but as a changed, humbled man who admits he was wrong. Well, not really. Most movies can still get down on their knees, suck the farts out of my ass and die, but here are three I actually kinda liked:
3. X-Men Origins
So I find myself at the movie theater with some friends. The Hangover is sold out, so we opt for the alternative: X-Men Origins. I remember watching the trailer a couple weeks prior, which ended with Hugh Jackman clinging desperately to a helicopter, a CGI sequence bad enough to embarrass George Lucas. Needless to say, this marked the first time I was looking forward to something taking a shit in my eyeballs. As I took my seat and the lights dimmed, I was expecting a magnificent, gnarled mess of a movie to make fun of. Instead I found myself disturbed halfway in that I was actually kind of enjoying myself. Ignoring the scene with that pretty boy douchebag Ryan Reynolds at the beginning and his dumbass swords, of course. Please, stick to comedy, Ryan. It's the one thing you're sort of good at.
The movie wasn't entirely free from the scope of disparagement, though. The opening credits were stupid, Gambit bothered me and deserves to have his mouth sewn shut with his own pubes, I couldn't fight off the thought that Wolverine could quite possibly have a boner all the time, and I firmly (no pun intended) remember struggling to not burst out laughing when Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber had this conversation where they delivered their lines as awkwardly as possible. "Do you even know how to kill me?", "I'm gonna cut your goddamn head off."
|Hahaha, ok. Whatever you say, wildman|
Also, why the fuck is will.i.am in this movie?
The only opinion I could come up with for the movie after it was over, is that it isn't terrible. Falls into the realm of a "why not?" kind of movie. If you have the ability to mindlessly enjoy something, this is worth a watch. I'd say it's more highly recommended than going to prison or a five-finger prostate examination after someone puts their hands in a freezer, so the movie accomplished something positive in my mind.
2. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
This one was the biggest surprise of the trinity, because in my opinion, the Harry Potter movies started going downhill when I learned Dumbledore was a homosexual, and the director presumably started wrapping the scripts around his dick and having sex with like, big blubbery walrus asshole.
... but it is odd how they found time to add in a bunch of stupid random shit that brings nothing to the story whatsoever. Say, in Goblet where the rock band played at Hogwarts. Come on, a mosh pit? Seriously? That's like ordering a big delicious meal, then the chef brings it to your table and puts his dick in the pasta. Sort of.
Anyway, I took my mommy out on a date to see the new Harry Potter. After my mom had her fun blatantly insulting people in the theater, which included calling some guy in a cowboy hat a little bitch, the movie began. Awhile later, and it ended. I was genuinely shocked when the movie ended for two reasons. First, where was the scene where Hermione and Ginny Weasley make out with each other and whip their tits out? Granted, it would have been awkward to watch with my mother, but fuck it, titties rule! Second, not one scene in the movie triggered fits of haemolacria. By god the relationship drama was relentless, and again, I was disappointed at the severe lack of titties, but it wasn't bad at all. It stayed rather faithful to the book, which is nice.
I felt it could have improved on a few things, and it never really went anywhere, but that's just because the book was complete filler. The only purpose it served was to lead up to the last book. Sure Dumbledore dies, but big fucking deal. I was tired of that old bitch anyway. The movie was going to be boring no matter what it did because the book was a snorefest. There was one golden scene though. Harry and company are walking along and happen upon some girl in a field, suspended in mid-air in perpetual nightmare, screaming with this horrified, dead look on her face. The little kid sitting next to me probably still hasn't slept. Something awesome like that always happens everytime my mom and I go to see a movie. It's like when my mom and I went to see Chamber of Secrets, and we overheard this brief conversation between a mother and her child. "Are there any snakes in this movie, mommy?" "Of course not, dear."
|"I AM A PIDGEON!"|
It's definitely not terrible, which certainly breaks the trend the last three movies set. It's not a great movie, but if you like the book, you won't walk away from the movie with the feeling that you just watched an anal sex tape, masquerading as a Harry Potter movie. I also appreciate the fact that this movie can scare children.
Just kidding about Dumbledore being a homosexual, by the way.
This is the movie that inspired me to write this article. I had no knowledge of Watchmen until I saw the trailer for the movie one day. I formulated an opinion on it immediately. The trailer made no fucking sense, the director probably eats macaroni out of a sock, also there's some blue guy who has a blue penis.
Afterwards I learned that it's a graphic novel, supposedly the greatest one of all time that I've somehow never heard of. I was on my guard after that, because I have this impression that graphic novel writers think their work is a sophisticated private language to congratulate themselves on their superiority to society. Personally I think they all snort enough cocaine worth more than the gross domestic product of Australia. But hey, Sin City was good, and 300 was... actually pretty stupid, but whatever, I'll watch the men.
I expected the movie to be god awful and utterly incomprehensible, and to a degree, yes, it was a little confusing. The first scene is this guy getting his ass fucking kicked, and I'm sitting there thinking, "what did this sorry bastard do?" That's nothing to detract from the entire movie, and it's certainly not a complaint. There's a lot of movies that could benefit from some senseless ass kicking right out of the gates.
The movie was so compelling, I sat through the entire thing, and at the end I realized I kinda liked it, and actually understood everything. I went into it expecting the worst, expecting a movie just begging to be made fun of, expecting me to ease its misery by writing an article about it, and subsequently instilling mindless rage in a sea of fanboys. I probably could make fun of the movie if I tried, like how Rorschach sounds like a blender full of rocks, and... I dunno, Dr. Manhattan has a blue penis? But then it occured to me that if I'm trying this hard to find something wrong with the movie, it's probably not that bad.
However, word of advice. Whatever you do, an hour into the movie, make sure the phrase, "it takes place in an alternate reality" doesn't cross your mind. You'll lay awake thinking about that shit.
It was a little long, especially that bit with Dr. Manhattan's emo back story, but the graphic novel it's based off of is thick enough that it would kill your mailman if you dropped it off your house and it landed on his head, so it's understandably long. I appreciate that the director would at least try to stay true to the source material, even if he did get a lot of shit messed up, according to people I've talked to who've read the novel. My paltry complaint about the length is mainly because I'm lazy and have almost zero attention span.
The story was actually quite wonderful and unique, but I couldn't help wanting to see more senseless ass kicking anyway, just to satisfy my unreasonable standards. Too bad the book is more story-oriented, goddamnit. My only real complaint about the film is that the music was absolutely god awful. It wasn't so much "music" as it was vomiting into a microphone. 99 Luftballons can eat my ass.
Also, you know how there's that one strange character in some movies, and you're always curious as to what their penis looks like? Like The Thing from Fantastic Four, or The Nazgul from Lord of the Rings, or The Hulk (I've always assumed giant green anger dick for The Hulk)? Dr. Manhattan answers that call, and it's an answer so obvious and unsatisfying, you wonder why you even bothered asking in the first place. He has a glowing blue penis, which we didn't need to see. Yay.