Scott's Product Line: Guaranteed Only To Fuck You Over

A few minutes ago, a deadly neurotoxin had covertly worked its way into my bloodstream, and was shutting down all of my primary functions. I was in a state of partial paralysis, but was still aware of all my surroundings. In other words, I was watching television.

I was watching some reality show that I didn't understand, or at least I think it was a reality show, then it cut to a commercial break. It was at this point I remembered I really didn't want to be doing this, so I started to get up. Then some woman popped up on the TV and started complaining about migraines. "Every light, every sound, it all makes it worse." Following this were two more people with similar sentiments. After the first minute and a half passed, they revealed the miracle prescription migraine medication. The same three people were then interviewed again, and now their lives were a cavalcade of sunshine and happiness. Then came the list of potential symptoms.

Now, I'm no stranger to excessive lists of unrealistic symptoms. I was on Accutane in junior high. The list of symptoms for that medication came in a book thick enough to beat a bear to death with, and it didn't even include the pregnancy section. But the list for this medication was egregious. Have you ever been to a bidding? Me neither, but I hear the people at those things talk absurdly fast. Try to imagine that, but in fast forward, and you have the narrator's approximate speech velocity.

I wanted to leave, but the commercial just wouldn't stop. It altered the very fabric of reality and ceased to make any logical sense. Some guy teaching his kid how to ride a bike, a couple cooking supper together, all laughing maniacally like some kind of deranged creature on a permanent caffeine buzz.

Does taking this medication mean you're at risk of laughing so hard you vomit your own asshole? It makes no sense, why are these people so happy, can they not hear the narrator? He's still going, y'know. "Upon taking this medication, you will be beset with the desire to devour your own vagina." "If you take this medication, you will hail the coming of the zombie apocalypse and extinguish the human race." "If you are a human being, please do not take... whatever the fuck this is."

So after about three hours, the commercial finally ended. I stood there for awhile, benumbed in stupefied wonder. I couldn't come up with a satisfying or logical reason why this commercial, or the drug it was advertising exists. How can this possibly be legal? Then it started to make sense. There's a market out there for preying on weakness, and making other human beings miserable for your benefit. Provided you have no morals, are declared insane, and have the negotiation skills necessary to convince someone else that taking a pill that could set their ass crack on fire to relieve them of a headache or whatever, is actually safe. Having no compassion for the human condition can go a long way.

Upon becoming fully aware of this, I raced upstairs and discharged all the ideas I had, then with my judo grip on Microsoft Paint, illustrated them for you. Coming soon to nameless retail stores near you:

They Do Stuff!

Got a stiff back? Stop being a whiny pussy. You got to take Scott's Back Pain Remedy, you stinky ass-faced bastard! It's the baddest son of a bitch medication on the block. They're designed specifically to relieve back pain. That's all the information we have on these terrifying fuckers, because we aren't qualified scientists and have no idea what we've done. But don't take our sketch ball word for it, try it for yourself! What are you waiting for? But seriously, don't take our word for it. We aren't liable for any negative side-effects that may occur as a result of taking this medication.

Symptoms:
- Paralysis
- Meningococcal disease
- Multiple forms of cancer

- Peeling your own skin off


 

It'll CREAM Your Shit!

Do you suffer from itchy skin? That's fucking nasty. You should really take care of that or else no one will ever love you. Oh you've tried, but all the products you use never point to a permanent solution? Fear not, comrade, for Scott's Skin Ointment has been called into existence! This pocket sized ointment is the only absurdly expensive, horrifyingly dangerous permanent solution to irritable skin. Guaranteed! And, if you call within the next five minutes, we'll also throw in a complimentary sledge hammer so you can brutalize yourself to death in just about the most painful and difficult way possible.

Symptoms:
- Rotting of testicles
- Unidentifiable fungus on feet
- Collapsing of lungs
- Someone runs your cat over with a lawnmower
- Demenia
- Vomiting out of every orifice in your body
- Nausea
- Cannibalism
- Melting eyeballs

- Insanity
- Loss of vision (generally associated with melted eyeballs)
- Nuclear diarrhea
- Priapism


 

One Pill To Rule Them All, And In The Darkness, Bind Them

Is your life just fine? Are you craving attention, but lack the experience of real life tragic circumstances for people to feel sorry for you? Then it's your lucky day, you whiny little bitch. Take Scott's Angst Medication, and within seconds, you will be swimming in the outward manifestations of the ridiculous scenarios you concoct in your mind on a daily basis. Guaranteed to make your friends (who don't care about you) continue thinking you're a loud, whiny bitch who's so slutty she needs to hire a traffic cop for her vagina.

Symptoms:
- Hallucinating
- Maybe you'll actually shut up before any more dicks get in your mouth
- Updating your status on Facebook with song lyrics that allude to imaginary problems purely for the sake of attention like an angsty cunt


That's all I could come up with, because my life is so tough. My heart quakes with sorrow.