I've decided what I want to be after I die!

I've long struggled with the question, "what do you want to come back as after you die?" Occasionally I would think of something "wacky", to dust off an old term, like coming back as a pepper, or a table, or a rake so I could slap someone in the face, but I really only thought of boring things. I'd think of my dogs and answer back, "I'd come back as a dog!" When asked to explain it, I'd say I just picked the first thing that popped into my head and gave it no consideration whatsoever.

They don't even give me points for honesty. Everyone who has ever asked me that question gets angry at me afterwards, which has never made sense to me. Are they suggesting that this should be a question that I actively think of an answer to so they don't end up disappointed? Personally I think people have a hard time admitting that they're stupid. It's an asinine question because I don't have any plans for coming back. But that was before I actually came up with something awesome, now I'm determined to survive death in a non-physical form, and come back as this fuckin' guy.

He's a character from the videogame, Donkey Kong Country 2. He has no legs and somehow floats several feet above the ground. He wears a badass suit coat, has arms but doesn't have any hands. What he also doesn't have is a face. His entire face is replaced by two giant eyeballs, staring directly at your tits. His body doesn't exist from the waist down, which means his dick doesn't exist. This might seem horrifying and confusing to my male audience at first, but I personally find the notion of ghost dick to be hysterically funny. Here's a picture of him. Took me like half a goddamn hour to find too:



Tittays!

His purpose in life is to throw barrels at people, and just occasionally, he throws bees and porcupines at your ass, all while laughing his ass off. Now, I've made a point never to use terms like "ballin'", or anything similar in my writing that would lead anyone to suspect that I'm a giant, blubbering douche, but it's become necessary for me to make an exception. How ballin' is that?! He throws barrels at people! For no reason other than to piss you off as well. What a jerk! That just sounds splendid. Very befitting. I now have concrete ammunition for the next person unfortunate enough to ask me that question. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I am prepared to kick death in the balls upon my arrival.

If my plan fails, however, I'll gladly accept coming back as Bill from Left 4 Dead:

This is somebody's grandpa