What is this "Sun" you speak of?

I wrote the following article on March 28th, 2009. Figured I'd tell you this before you got all confused why snow starts melting in October here in Canada. This is actually when it starts falling and we all bust out our polar bears to ride to work. It's fucking sweet.

Over the past while, an alarming number of people have been talking complete nonsense. A large practical joke, no doubt. Something about "summer" and this thing they call "sunlight" that comes from the "sun". Luckily my ears are finely tuned to detect bullshit, so I dismissed these wild notions of "heat" and "warmth" immediately. I know what warmth is and isn't. What it is, is the feeling shortly after I put on a massive sweater and sit infront of my heater. It's not something that is, or can be produced in nature. That is the work of science fiction. It's a myth. As you can see, my intellect is far too vast for your Machiavellian scheming. I will not be fooled so easily.

But lately, the number of people foolish enough to fall for these tricks is growing at a frightening rate. The majority of the population seems to have been infected by some kind of parasite, or there's some sort of diabolical compound floating around, twisting human beings into hollow shells incapable of rational thought. I fear I may be next, because as I walked outside today, it appeared that the snow outside my house was... actually melting. It wasn't just my house either, it was happening everywhere. Everywhere I went, slush and puddles. What's more disturbing, is that I found myself without my winter jacket, because I was... warm.

I knew that it simply couldn't be happening. Something was horribly wrong, and the truth needed to be exposed. Tragically, the majority of the population now consists of a bunch of mindless drones, so I decided to look into this more deeply myself. Just when I thought I was on the verge of extricating mankind from mass delusion, I discovered through my tireless research in that astronomy book I got when I was a kid, to my horror, the sun is an actual fucking thing.


It has a FACE!


The sun is a celestial body in our solar system that your average world of warcraft player has no knowledge of, has the ability to turn vampires into sparkly homosexuals, all while looking like a giant flaming testicle. Its energy comes from nuclear fusion. From the 30 seconds I spent investigating this matter, to my narrow understanding, what that basically means is, a couple hydrogen atoms get forced together which eventually creates helium atoms, and this process releases a shit tonne of energy. This energy comes to earth as light. The big bitch keeps us warm is what I'm saying.

What does this mean for us?

Just as I was about to make a joke about destroying the sun, I learned that she's a bit of an important attention whore and holds our planet and several others in our solar system in place. So we orbit the sun and spin on a rotational axis, which is where the seasons come from. Sometimes half of the planet is tilted towards the sun, and sometimes it's not. These points in the earth's orbit are called solstices. We are currently in a transition between the seasons of winter and summer called "The Vernal Equinox", which is a really faggy way of pronouncing "spring". Both hemispheres are receiving roughly the same amount of exposure to sunlight. So because of earth's orbit, very simply, the northern hemisphere will soon be exposed to more sunlight, and soon it'll be summer.

... so I guess the sun isn't scary at all. Well, with that in mind, I'm going to assume I speak for everyone when I say FUCK WINTER! Goodbye, asshole. Thanks for nothing. I sincerely hope someone molests your face with their balls.