So, Fifty Shades of Grey, the series of books with more pages stuck together than Celebrity Skin. I heard it mentioned in passing at some point in my life, and to the best of my knowledge, it's a series of books written by Erika Leonard, that she wrote entirely with her own vagina lips. I briefly heard the books were a simulacrum of Twilight, otherwise known as the salad of letters that invited teenage and middle-aged women alike to experience global brain dysfunction. At this point of comparison, Fifty Shades of Grey was buried so deep in my mind, it almost makes sense that I wipe my ass with it every morning. I lived a happy life after that, apart from that one time I almost died of septic shock and that brief spell of diarrhea, but even those invited more character building than the entirety of the Twilight series.
Then I heard that the books were being made into movies, and eventually, a trailer was released. I could tell this was important to some people, mostly because the only way to absorb information nowadays is through a symbol that, back in my day, used to be proceeded by a number. That's right, a hashtag. The only method for stupid people to deliver pointless information about their stupid lives to the largely disinterested world. Another thing that tipped me off was the collective vaginas of women everywhere getting lubed up faster than Lebron James in the fourth quarter. All that can ever mean is a new book or movie has been released that's attempting to set feminism as far back as possible. Yes, Fifty Shades of Grey was trending, and I neglected this news faster than the sock behind my dryer.
Until one day I was spraying enough dust out of my computer you'd think Mt. St. Helens erupted in my room, and my girlfriend mentioned the trailer. She said it was stupid enough to warrant a glimpse. I regard my work in the same fashion, so I figured why not? While the trailer promised boredom almost immediately, one thing it did very well was encourage me to go do something else, like pour bleach into my eyeballs. Anything so I wouldn't have to watch more of it. Then something magical happened. Beyonce. She chimed in with a rendition of one of her songs that probably wasn't very good to begin with, and suddenly the trailer transcended merely being shitty into something else entirely more wonderful. I was faced with a question after the video ended. "Are these people serious?"
Yep. Here are my favorite moments from the trailer, all of which are somehow expected to drive the plot forward in a meaningful way.
Jesus. I've seen happier faces in North Korea. It's not expressly explained why this nameless woman is so upset at the opportunity of conducting a seemingly important interview for "the newspaper". She looks like someone pissed in her mouth and threw a horse cock at her, which might actually be a direction this movie takes at some point. I do like how the writers really went into specifics concerning this mysterious interview. Who is this woman? Does she have proper credentials? Who is her employer? "The newspaper" isn't an employer, you monkey. Say, who the fuck is she talking to? Though I suppose if you're just going to ask "a couple of questions", it doesn't really matter. Whoever you're interviewing is probably a cunt anyway.
All of that aside, this shot of her mulling over her vague occupational existence sets the tone for this movie immediately. If I know anything about teenage romance novels, it's that the woman is a useless, bumbling, depressed outcast, until the perfect yet tortured man swoops in and brightens her life forever. I'm right, aren't I? The importance of submission to men, ladies. Good advice to guide young women in their lives. Also, I'm not sure if anyone else has made this comparison, but she looks a lot like the crying lady meme in this shot.
GASP! Some fucking elevator doors opened! They do that. Had you been looking up at all during the elevator ride you might have noticed you were approaching your floor. What an idiot.
I will say that the product placement in this movie is a bit more subtle than Transformers. I will also say that that was weirdly fast. Mr. Grey is going to see you right the hell now, goddamn. Talk about expeditious. This Grey Enterprises place must not be very important if it lets in nameless, unqualified reporters to question the fucking CEO directly without lawyers present. Turns out the CEO is Mr. Grey, according to the secretary. Holy shit, she's interviewing Dorian Grey? Imagine if she walked into his office and he just fucking chopped her in half? Man that would be so fucking cool. Sadly that doesn't happen. Does anyone else find it a little amusing that she got off at the 20th floor to meet this guy? Your building is only 20 stories high? What a loser.
... with his dumbass tree, and his desk that is magically being supported by what appears to be nothing, and his weird fucking office chair that looks like the wheels aren't attached to it at all.
And that ridiculous lamp that looks like it's going to jump on the Pixar logo.
And his fucking ball. Another great aspect of this shot, is Sour Tits looks like she just pissed herself and is hoping he won't notice. I decided to call her Sour Tits since she doesn't have a name yet. At this point in the trailer, we have no idea who either of these people are or why we ever cared. Most importantly, for those who don't know what the book is about, we have no idea what kind of tone this trailer is trying to set. For all we know she's about to be murdered. This has a weird Sci-Fi Thriller vibe to it as well.
Which is an apt comparison to make considering this guy looks like Abe Sapien from Hellboy.
I feel like I should be more concerned about what kind of message this sends, like maybe this shouldn't be trying to set a good example for romance. What I find far more troubling is the fact that this font is called Gotham, and the apostrophe is different in the trailer. I remade this myself just to see.
WHY IS THE APOSTROPHE DIFFERENT?
Firstly, why is it that the girls in these types of movies look like they're busting for a piss when they're trying to convey attraction? Secondly, I'm disappointed at the lack of nipples in this scene.
That's right, finger his ass. The best part about this portion of the trailer is the lackluster dialog that goes along with it. The dialog that attempts to be poignant and heartfelt, but falls apart faster than the tinfoil around a baked potato.
"I'm incapable of leaving you alone."
The same could be said of mosquitoes.
Wait, so she's cheating on him now? This makes no fucking sense. I do like how Mr. Grey shoves this random guy away. Partly because literally a second before this shot he says, "You should steer clear of me", which she clearly is, but mostly because she's essentially property at this point. Let another man kiss you? Fuck that. You have no desires of your own or any right to your own body. I'll fuckin' tie you up if I have to!
Oh. Guess he's a sociopath then.
Well, when there's no moist towelettes at the table, one does what one can.
Has anyone else noticed this man's obsession with showing affection via various aircrafts? First a helicopter, now a paper airplane. This is important to the character in some stupid way, isn't it? I do like in the scene before, it shows the two characters breathing on each other, while Mr. Grey explains that his tastes are "very singular". Am I to conclude that you love masturbating? So do a lot of people, cock weasel.
In fairness, it does look like G-Force is the key to unlocking the female orgasm.
Except here it just looks like she's being tortured, or she's about to sneeze. Also, this woman's name is "Anastasia Steele". This is one of those circumstances where it would be like trying to make fun of a clown. The author did all the work for me.
By the end of the trailer, I was left wondering when an actual story would emerge, or if it would just be these two disinterested actors staring at each other and occasionally exhaling, while voicing dialog about as interesting as boiled vegetables. Kind of both, I guess, though the story doesn't appear to be anything beyond, "BDSM". Oh how exciting, bondage is no longer taboo for teenagers! How nice it is then that this movie aims to give young children every where the shockingly wrong ideas about love, relationships, and sex.
As a man, I learned to treat women as property, objects, and take complete advantage of women with confidence issues, possibly stemming from traumatic childhood experiences. As a woman, I guess you learn to get abused? Physically and psychologically. Exciting! If you're yearning to spice up your sex life with some bondage, know this. Submissives are there strictly to facilitate an orgasm. Do I understand these concepts properly?
However, I decided I greatly enjoyed the trailer by the end of it. It gives me hope. I never thought that someone could get rich by writing down misguided bullshit, but apparently that works. I wish I had a collection of the sex advice I've given to my younger friends, like that time I told my co-worker to put a finger in the girl's ass and put it in her mouth afterwards. Had I known I was sitting on a gold mine, I would have written some of it down. Though these books wouldn't exist if the author was male. You could interpret that as a comment on female privilege or feminism in the developed world, but what I'm really saying is that if a guy wrote it, he'd be laughing too hard to finish it.
I'd call it "50 Shades of Lay" myself. Now go watch the trailer yourself and listen to your soul vomit in its own mouth.