The Hunt For The Master Chief Collection

A while ago now, a money grab was announced by Moneysoft and Fake Bungie (343 Industries) called The Master Chief Collection for the Xbox One. In an effort to make people buy their giant microwave, all four Halo games the Master Chief was directly involved in, were being released on one disc. I can only imagine everyone involved in the project hoped Halo: Reach could be forgotten, while the rest of us questioned why Halo 4 was being featured in the collection. Halo 4 alongside the other titles is a lot like having an amazing entree infront of you, with a side of farts contained in a ziploc bag.

The Master Chief Collection launched for those assholes in Europe living in the future, and some popular fucking cunts on YouTube got early copies of the game, so they could be the first ones to post terrible walk throughs and stake claim over tricks and glitches found several years ago for all the views and YouTube money. People on the internet really covet this stuff. The game finally launched here yesterday, making me the last person on earth to get a copy. Unless you live in Australia, then you might be the last person to get a copy. I'm not even sure the N64 has properly launched there. No one cares about Australia now that we found Nemo, so when I say I was the last person on earth to get a copy, I'm not lying. Getting my copy of Master Chief Collection today was a cavalcade of brief annoyances, which I am going to write about for you now, because I have nothing else to do while this game installs for the next couple hours.

After I had my cup of tea in the morning, because coffee sucks dick and tastes like dog food stuffed in an asshole, I got in my car and headed off to Wal-Mart to procure my copy of Halo. I wasn't overly enthusiastic about going, as I live in Canada, so naturally my city is already buried in enough snow to at least scare the shit out of Atlanta. I wasn't very eager to have my balls freeze to my leg. I could have easily been persuaded away from buying this game with a stack of pancakes, or my girlfriend seductively turning on Netflix, or if the guilt of never doing laundry happened to creep in, but away I went anyway. As I said, the first stop was Wal-Mart, the store everyone is ashamed to shop at, but also the ideal fall out shelter for the coming zombie apocalypse. Either that or the apocalypse will begin in a Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart is an interesting store, because nobody works there. Every time I'm there I check random aisles just to see if someone is getting stabbed to death. You could totally get away with it.

Anyway, I make my way over to the electronics section, past the enormous amount of people with strollers blocking the way, and past the stupid old people who slowly walk infront of you without looking. I looked at the what, 3 games available for the Xbox One, and Master Chief wasn't among them. No big deal, I planned for this, which is why I went to this shit ball store in the first place. I'll just go to another shit ball store. Target. Please pronounce Target properly, by the way. None of this pretending to be French shit, or you get to know what my taint tastes like after a day at the gym.

I drive over to Target, the store that's secretly taunting and challenging all of us to drive directly into the store. I walked in, and the floors were the cleanest floors I have ever seen. You wouldn't find floors that clean in The White House. Someone cares about their job at Target a little bit too much. I'm not sure what's worse in jobs like that. Not caring about your job, or caring about your job. Anyway, I went over to the electronics section, and still no goddamn Master Chief. I left Target a bit disgruntled, and with a desire to buy cheap t-shirts. As I was making my way to my car, I noticed a guy infront of me carrying a Target bag with an Xbox One game in it. I had a suspicion that it was MCC, and I over heard him say, "I just bought Halo!" to his friend, which prompted me to think, "Well what in the fuck is going on here?" That asshole must have gotten the last copy. On reflection I probably should have went back into Target to see if I had missed a display, but the electronics section there was about as spacious as an MRI machine. Plus I worry about what other people think of me, so I decided to visit another store much further away.

Having a car is awesome, because under normal circumstances, the store I wanted to visit might as well have been in China. But I have a car, and cars are awesome. I get to slowly murder the planet for the sake of convenience, and I could run over a cat if I wanted to, and I do. Fucking hate cats. I headed on over to Future Shop, which is located in an area in my city called "South Common". Coincidentally, this is also the section of the city where people apparently forget how to drive properly in winter. As I was pulling into Future Shop, there was some asshole in a truck trying to exit the parking lot. Everyone who owns a truck is an asshole. It just so happens that this exit was conveniently marked with two, "NO ENTRY" signs. Can't imagine what those would be trying to tell you, trucky boy.

I went into Future Shop, which is a less blue version of Best Buy, and couldn't find any fucking copies of the game. Annoyance was finally being brought to the forefront. Why the fuck are there 90 copies of Fifa, but no Master Chief? Having learned from Target, I was thorough in my search this time around, but my search yielded no results. No results that were conducive to me getting the game, but definitely some that I knew would benefit this writing. There was a girl with her boyfriend trying to find the Wii section, and in the process of describing what the Wii is, she quite clearly, very visibly made the jerking off motion for all to see for several seconds. I thought about slipping my penis in there for a second, but I'm pretty sure that's probably objectionable for several reasons, so I moved on.

I was going to go to Best Buy after, but there was another Wal-Mart across the street. A Super Store Wal-Mart, in fact. A store so big, I'm not entirely sure if I've left yet. I figured it would be stupid not to check this place, so away I went. Of course, this was only after I was able to leave my parking spot, since some stupid tiny lady was attempting to find parking, by stopping her car directly infront of mine, ignoring my existence completely, and scanning the readily available spaces directly to her left as slowly as possible. It's times like this I really wish I drove a tank.

I made my way over to Wal-Mart, which was interesting because the people in charge of clearing snow in my city are either extremely lazy, have very poor judgment, or they're all dead. I like to imagine those people driving to work themselves and thinking, "Eh, let everyone figure out where the fucking lines are." I surveyed the landscape. There was a left turning lane clearly marked with a sign, so I stayed in the right lane. I assumed it was a designated turn lane. There was a van next to that lane, so I cozied up next to it in the right lane, lit some candles, nibbled its ear a little just to get the mood going. It looked as if there were clearly two lanes leading into the obnoxiously large Wal-Mart parking lot, but it turns out that I may have been in a designated right turn lane, and totally cut off the van. The road narrowed as I got closer, but I wouldn't be shamed by that decision. We were all trying to shop at Wal-Mart. No judgments. I will say that someone should really consider clearing the fucking snow when traffic relies on markings that are painted on the ground rather than displayed on brightly colored signs.

At long last, I found my way to the electronics section at Wal-Mart. I don't know why I keep mentioning the fact that I'm headed for the electronics section like it's a crucial detail. I went to the produce section and found Master Chief mixed in with the bell peppers! That would be noteworthy. So there I was, standing behind a dude who was dealing with a woman who clearly had no fucking idea what was happening around her. I have never seen someone so noticeably panicked about something as non-trivial as... whatever it is she was freaking out about. She kept calling some lady on the intercom about a price check, or maybe she just needed emotional support to hold a laser up to a bar code and press cryptic buttons on a till. A lady noticed me and asked if I needed a game unlocked, I said yes as she spanked my sweet ass, lead me to the Xbox One case, unlocked that bitch, and got me The Master Chief Collection. I do find it funny how Wal-Mart locks their games like they're housing nuclear launch codes. What the fuck am I going to do? Run past your old ass Wal-Mart greeter? Yes, actually, I would do that, and maybe grab some cookies and a frisbee on the way out.

The lady took me over to another till to pay for my game, as the confused lunatic at the other till was still preoccupied with not knowing how to do things. I bought the game, and made my way back to the car, questioning my decision not to pre-order this game. I was getting ready to reverse, but there were endless cars behind me trying to locate spots in a confused maelstrom, like trying to herd sheep with a vuvuzela. Then as I was finally ready to leave, two old ladies decided to stop dead infront of my car, oddly enough with a full cart. They were just kind of aimlessly looking around and pointing at things, meaning they probably had no idea where they parked. If I was a good person I might stop and feel bad about that, but I fucking hate those ladies and would have gladly ran them over. Get out of the fucking way, you fucking artifact, I have a game I want to install for hours and later complain about on internet forums!

Then of course I got stuck behind two people going 40 in a 60, which is always fun. Don't worry about inconveniencing everyone around you. When even just a little bit of snow falls like it always fucking does and encompasses our lives for 60% of the year, it's imperative that you drive obnoxiously slow to make the roads just a little bit more dangerous than they already are. There was also a multitude of truck driving cunts not signalling before changing lanes, and a bunch of people being indecisive about which lane they wanted to be in. I can forgive that one, as the roads right now look like my toilet bowl after some Chinese food.

Good timing on completing this writing, as MCC has finally finished installing. I'm looking forward to hopping into these games, particularly after everything I've heard about the them thus far. So far as I know, these games sound hilariously, embarrassingly broken. It seems as if driving wasn't the only thing that will aim to test my patience today. I'm excited to eventually drown my Xbox. All I personally know about this collection thus far, is that in a desperate move, Halo 4 was the first game to install out of the four. Sorry, Fake Bungie. No one is going to play Halo 4, even just to pass the time while waiting for the actual good games to install.



There's a fifth thing to the far right that I probably don't give a shit about. Halo 3 seems to be suffering from some form of performance anxiety and refuses to install. But as of this moment, the games have all installed, which means it's time to eat lunch as I'm on the verge of rigor mortis here, then hope these re-released games justify the enormous amount of life I've wasted on these games, and money I spent to get to this point. Later on I will likely be writing about the Halo 5 Beta, which has been made available to me because of this purchase, as everything about it seems absurdly stupid from the gameplay trailer I watched. It begs the question, "Are 343 Industries serious?" I think they might be. So stay tuned for that, as Halo 5 will likely show us all what shit looks like being flushed down a toilet in first person.

A Bunch of Shit That Happened in 2013 - Year End Review

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50 Shades of Grey - Trailer Analysis

There will be at least one person who visits this page hoping to see an actual in depth analysis of the trailer. Boy are they going to be fucking pissed off, and therein lies all the motivation I will ever need to pursue this writing.

So, Fifty Shades of Grey, the series of books with more pages stuck together than Celebrity Skin. I heard it mentioned in passing at some point in my life, and to the best of my knowledge, it's a series of books written by Erika Leonard, that she wrote entirely with her own vagina lips. I briefly heard the books were a simulacrum of Twilight, otherwise known as the salad of letters that invited teenage and middle-aged women alike to experience global brain dysfunction. At this point of comparison, Fifty Shades of Grey was buried so deep in my mind, it almost makes sense that I wipe my ass with it every morning. I lived a happy life after that, apart from that one time I almost died of septic shock and that brief spell of diarrhea, but even those invited more character building than the entirety of the Twilight series.

Then I heard that the books were being made into movies, and eventually, a trailer was released. I could tell this was important to some people, mostly because the only way to absorb information nowadays is through a symbol that, back in my day, used to be proceeded by a number. That's right, a hashtag. The only method for stupid people to deliver pointless information about their stupid lives to the largely disinterested world. Another thing that tipped me off was the collective vaginas of women everywhere getting lubed up faster than Lebron James in the fourth quarter. All that can ever mean is a new book or movie has been released that's attempting to set feminism as far back as possible. Yes, Fifty Shades of Grey was trending, and I neglected this news faster than the sock behind my dryer.

Until one day I was spraying enough dust out of my computer you'd think Mt. St. Helens erupted in my room, and my girlfriend mentioned the trailer. She said it was stupid enough to warrant a glimpse. I regard my work in the same fashion, so I figured why not? While the trailer promised boredom almost immediately, one thing it did very well was encourage me to go do something else, like pour bleach into my eyeballs. Anything so I wouldn't have to watch more of it. Then something magical happened. Beyonce. She chimed in with a rendition of one of her songs that probably wasn't very good to begin with, and suddenly the trailer transcended merely being shitty into something else entirely more wonderful. I was faced with a question after the video ended. "Are these people serious?"

 

Yep. Here are my favorite moments from the trailer, all of which are somehow expected to drive the plot forward in a meaningful way.

Jesus. I've seen happier faces in North Korea. It's not expressly explained why this nameless woman is so upset at the opportunity of conducting a seemingly important interview for "the newspaper". She looks like someone pissed in her mouth and threw a horse cock at her, which might actually be a direction this movie takes at some point. I do like how the writers really went into specifics concerning this mysterious interview. Who is this woman? Does she have proper credentials? Who is her employer? "The newspaper" isn't an employer, you monkey. Say, who the fuck is she talking to? Though I suppose if you're just going to ask "a couple of questions", it doesn't really matter. Whoever you're interviewing is probably a cunt anyway.

All of that aside, this shot of her mulling over her vague occupational existence sets the tone for this movie immediately. If I know anything about teenage romance novels, it's that the woman is a useless, bumbling, depressed outcast, until the perfect yet tortured man swoops in and brightens her life forever. I'm right, aren't I? The importance of submission to men, ladies. Good advice to guide young women in their lives. Also, I'm not sure if anyone else has made this comparison, but she looks a lot like the crying lady meme in this shot.

Moving on.

GASP! Some fucking elevator doors opened! They do that. Had you been looking up at all during the elevator ride you might have noticed you were approaching your floor. What an idiot.
 

I will say that the product placement in this movie is a bit more subtle than Transformers. I will also say that that was weirdly fast. Mr. Grey is going to see you right the hell now, goddamn. Talk about expeditious. This Grey Enterprises place must not be very important if it lets in nameless, unqualified reporters to question the fucking CEO directly without lawyers present. Turns out the CEO is Mr. Grey, according to the secretary. Holy shit, she's interviewing Dorian Grey? Imagine if she walked into his office and he just fucking chopped her in half? Man that would be so fucking cool. Sadly that doesn't happen. Does anyone else find it a little amusing that she got off at the 20th floor to meet this guy? Your building is only 20 stories high? What a loser.
 

... with his dumbass tree, and his desk that is magically being supported by what appears to be nothing, and his weird fucking office chair that looks like the wheels aren't attached to it at all.
 

And that ridiculous lamp that looks like it's going to jump on the Pixar logo.
 

And his fucking ball. Another great aspect of this shot, is Sour Tits looks like she just pissed herself and is hoping he won't notice. I decided to call her Sour Tits since she doesn't have a name yet. At this point in the trailer, we have no idea who either of these people are or why we ever cared. Most importantly, for those who don't know what the book is about, we have no idea what kind of tone this trailer is trying to set. For all we know she's about to be murdered. This has a weird Sci-Fi Thriller vibe to it as well.

 Which is an apt comparison to make considering this guy looks like Abe Sapien from Hellboy.
 

I feel like I should be more concerned about what kind of message this sends, like maybe this shouldn't be trying to set a good example for romance. What I find far more troubling is the fact that this font is called Gotham, and the apostrophe is different in the trailer. I remade this myself just to see.

 
WHY IS THE APOSTROPHE DIFFERENT?
 

 Firstly, why is it that the girls in these types of movies look like they're busting for a piss when they're trying to convey attraction? Secondly, I'm disappointed at the lack of nipples in this scene.

 
AIDS?

That's right, finger his ass. The best part about this portion of the trailer is the lackluster dialog that goes along with it. The dialog that attempts to be poignant and heartfelt, but falls apart faster than the tinfoil around a baked potato.

"I'm incapable of leaving you alone."

"Then don't."

The same could be said of mosquitoes.

 
Wait, so she's cheating on him now? This makes no fucking sense. I do like how Mr. Grey shoves this random guy away. Partly because literally a second before this shot he says, "You should steer clear of me", which she clearly is, but mostly because she's essentially property at this point. Let another man kiss you? Fuck that. You have no desires of your own or any right to your own body. I'll fuckin' tie you up if I have to!

 Oh. Guess he's a sociopath then.

Well, when there's no moist towelettes at the table, one does what one can.

Has anyone else noticed this man's obsession with showing affection via various aircrafts? First a helicopter, now a paper airplane. This is important to the character in some stupid way, isn't it? I do like in the scene before, it shows the two characters breathing on each other, while Mr. Grey explains that his tastes are "very singular". Am I to conclude that you love masturbating? So do a lot of people, cock weasel.

In fairness, it does look like G-Force is the key to unlocking the female orgasm.

Except here it just looks like she's being tortured, or she's about to sneeze. Also, this woman's name is "Anastasia Steele". This is one of those circumstances where it would be like trying to make fun of a clown. The author did all the work for me.

By the end of the trailer, I was left wondering when an actual story would emerge, or if it would just be these two disinterested actors staring at each other and occasionally exhaling, while voicing dialog about as interesting as boiled vegetables. Kind of both, I guess, though the story doesn't appear to be anything beyond, "BDSM". Oh how exciting, bondage is no longer taboo for teenagers! How nice it is then that this movie aims to give young children every where the shockingly wrong ideas about love, relationships, and sex.

As a man, I learned to treat women as property, objects, and take complete advantage of women with confidence issues, possibly stemming from traumatic childhood experiences. As a woman, I guess you learn to get abused? Physically and psychologically. Exciting! If you're yearning to spice up your sex life with some bondage, know this. Submissives are there strictly to facilitate an orgasm. Do I understand these concepts properly?

However, I decided I greatly enjoyed the trailer by the end of it. It gives me hope. I never thought that someone could get rich by writing down misguided bullshit, but apparently that works. I wish I had a collection of the sex advice I've given to my younger friends, like that time I told my co-worker to put a finger in the girl's ass and put it in her mouth afterwards. Had I known I was sitting on a gold mine, I would have written some of it down. Though these books wouldn't exist if the author was male. You could interpret that as a comment on female privilege or feminism in the developed world, but what I'm really saying is that if a guy wrote it, he'd be laughing too hard to finish it.

 I'd call it "50 Shades of Lay" myself. Now go watch the trailer yourself and listen to your soul vomit in its own mouth.