These are the top news stories from 2013, or at least a collection of stories that I hardly bothered to research, all of which you forgot about. Thank you, humanity, for providing me with an endless and unique stream of things to make fun of, year after year. Now it's time to take a look back at 2013, and make fun of people I don't know unfairly. Let's begin with the greatest mayor the world has ever seen.
I've always felt that Canadian politics has been behind American politics in terms of shoe-lace eating insanity, so I'm always delighted when a Canadian politician makes an effort to balance the scale. Rob Ford, Toronto's glorious mayor (Toronto is also known as Canada's only city), took matters into his own hands. Let's recap his 2013.
It began with him facing impeachment. Later on he partook in sexual assault, and subsequent victim blaming. Then he was caught hanging out with drug dealers. Afterwards he was caught smoking a crack pipe, which he immediately denied. Then he got thrown out of a festival for being too drunk. A festival! They won't kick you out of one of those things if you cut someone's head off. Weirdly, this was followed by an arm wrestling match with Hulk Hogan. Yes, that happened. Not long after that, Ford was more or less in the center of a police investigation targetting drugs. Then he admitted to smoking crack, possibly during one of his "drunken stupors". His words, not mine. This reads like a resume for the fucking Kingpin in Daredevil.
Then nothing really happened to the guy because the justice system makes sense. His greatest moment of 2013, came after the sexual assault allegations. He fiercely denied the accusations, and cemented his stance by saying that he has, "plenty to eat at home". I have never heard anything more awesome in my entire life, even if looking up his wife on Google fills me with the same regret I felt the first time I looked up "blue waffle". When those two walk down some stairs, it must sound like the Inception theme. Someone please remake "Hashpipe" by Weezer for this brilliant bastard.
Prince George is born!
I don't care about babies in general, yet somehow, I cared even less when this stupid kid was born. I hate your baby, William, and I desperately want to have sex with your wife. Good god that is a hot piece of ass. I would lick her pussy a thousand times until I reach the center, like a fucking lollipop. I would eat that ass like Hannibal Lector. I hope you're banging that woman every day in your faggy ass British carriage. Just do me a favour and don't try to make the world care about your second kid. Nobody cares, and I hate your family.
|I'm with you, kid|
If you've noticed a shift in climate conditions recently, it's because Chris Hadfield's giant balls returning to earth has affected the tilt of the planet. This is why the man was destined to go to space, to preserve the seasons. Yes, Chris Hadfield rose to stardom (tehe) as he began releasing videos from the International Space Station, showing us all how fascinating space can be. For a moment, we all collectively forgot just how horrifying space really is. Like how at any given moment, a hull breach in the space station would turn your head inside out and you'd shit your own dick and balls out of your armpit. What's truly amazing about the man is that he pulls off the math teacher/German porn star look so effortlessly. Have you seen the dude's mustache? I presume he rode it to the space station. His wife's vagina should be honored to be chafed, itchy and miserable at all points in the day. The man is like fibre. He gets shit done.
|The Flavor Saver|
I'll be honest, I had no idea who this person was until the internet told me she was important. Am I alone in being reminded of bananas when I see this girl's name? Apparently, she's an activist for women's education in the Taliban, and was shot in the head for it. She survived, and got awards for it, all at the tender age of 16. I can't say that I envy the gunshot wound to the neck, but it does put my life in harsh perspective when I compare her accolades to mine. I beat Super Mario Bros. when I was a kid, that's about all I got. I do find it a little amusing that she had to get shot in the face before people would listen to her opinions. Lady problems should now also include cranial bullet intrusion.
She had a quote that was something along the lines of, "Pens and books are the tools to defeat terrorism!" Poetic and idealistic, I like it. I'll be to sure to whip out a pen and a copy of Harry Potter the next time an AK47 is pressed to my head. Just pointing out that the philosophy has some holes in it. Y'know, kind of like her head.
... I'm talking about her nostils. What the hell were you thinking about? Good god, man.
So apparently there's a new pope. I had no idea this happened. This sounds like it should be important, but I heard more about Lindsay Lohan in 2013 than I did about the new pope. I don't even know the guy's name, and I don't think my life would improve any if I did. I can't remember the last time the pope did anything useful. Why the fuck is a pope necessary anyway? If God exists, aren't we all good to go? The only thing the catholic church ever does is prove how little we care about sexually abusing children.
Pandas at the Toronto zoo!
Holy shit! There's pandas at the Toronto zoo! It's a shame that the actors for Telus commercials reside in the worst province in the country, second only to Quebec. I suspect Rob Ford will ground the pandas into a fine powder and smoke them before long.
So it appears that the sovereign nation of Iran held an election, and this dude, Hassan Rouhani, won the election and took power and stuff. Up to this point, I thought people in Iran took power by bombing something. The guy took power in an actual office, I'm told. I seriously thought these people lived in sand castles up until now. Presumably he's in the only building in Iran that isn't covered in bullet holes. What an awful depiction of Iran, my gosh. I'm sure no one there will be upset with this writing though. Partly because they probably don't know what the internet is, but mostly because none of them know how to read. Beyond their own language, of course, which is comprised of symbols that look like giant balls of pubic hair in a dryer.
Hassan's promises before he took office read much like a speech you'd hear in junior high, from some asshole running for student council president. And it worked! All of the vending machines in Iran must be so fucking full right now. It's unclear if Hassan is now fiercely masturbating in celebration of his victory, and cleaning it up with some form of Iranian rial. What is clear is that the dude looks like a dwarf from middle earth. Tell me you can't picture this guy holding an axe and hating on some elves and shit:
A new pastry was invented in 2013. A Cronut. A mix of a croissant and a doughnut. Not, as the name suggests, the severed, and lightly sugared testicle of a bird. Yes, a croissant and a doughnut. Something the French invented, thus making it completely dismissable, and something that you eat when you want to feel ashamed of yourself, respectively. What's really cool about the Cronut is the controversy surrounding it. Some man in Ohio trademarked the name "doughssant", but trademarks are just brand identifiers. They don't shield the idea of all croissant and doughnut recipes. LOOPHOLE, BITCH! So, like Facebook, someone stole the idea and got rich inventing something absolutely no one wanted or needed.
Strange how I'm so liberal when it comes to the fusion of icecream and brownies, but a croissant-doughnut hybrid makes me want to cum on something I hate. Katy Perry elicits a similar reaction.
It must suck to be a scientist, where your discoveries are only understood and appreciated by other scientists. I myself care about science as much as I care about grooming my armpits, so this Ununpentium discovery means nothing to me. It seems like every endeavor pertaining to the periodic table, serves only to troll the people who have to print science textbooks, and make every child in the 10th grade hate life just a little bit more. What makes Ununpentium special is that it's really heavy. I'm sure "heavy" means something else entirely to particle physicists. I myself imagine a group of scientists getting drunk, synthesizing a gram of the stuff and trying desperately to lift it.
Other Science Shit
Some other scientific stuff happened in 2013 that barely warrants a mention. They found evidence of water on Mars this year, which is a bit like finding evidence that someone shit in your toilet once. Big deal, Curiousity Rover. What I find more impressive is that the rover hasn't rolled into a ditch yet. Until aliens land on earth and recreate the movie Mars Attacks, you can count me in the unexcited portion of humanity. Mars sucks. Other stuff happened in 2013. People discovered some Exoplanets, also known as lazy asteroids. They grew teeth and blood vessels in a lab, because growing those anywhere else would just sound crazy. Autonomous cars have seen expansion, bringing us ever closer to a world where car blowjobs are safe. There are also new treatments for diseases like HIV. Yay, everyone! More shit that doesn't work, is too expensive anyway, and longer conversations with the doctor before you die horribly.
Russian Meteor Strike
Remember this shit?
Yep, this happened in 2013. The one really cool thing that happened all year, I suppose in the name of science, but this is better categorized under, "Holy fuck, it's a meteor!" Unless you live in Russia, of course. Have you seen the various videos of the meteor strike? There is no visible reaction from anyone, nevermind a panicked reaction. Those people are insane. You could fill the Kremlin, floor to ceiling with big black dildos, and they probably wouldn't notice. If anything, Mother Russia would receive some attention. Speaking of Russia and insanity.
Russia's Anti-Gay Law
Congratulations, everyone! We did it. It's now illegal to be gay in Russia. It's illegal to even support it in Russia. It was hard for a while there, publicly torturing, shaming and arresting innocent people for being organisms with different sexual preferences that impact your life on zero level whatsoever, and is none of your fucking business, but we pulled through! I knew we could do it. Well done, Russia. Your impression of Nazi Germany is nearly spot on.
I tend to find Godwin's Law a bit desperate, but in this case, it fits rather eloquently. There was a man in Russia that said, "I'd burn them all alive in ovens." He was referring to gay people, obviously. He was met with applause. He was also a priest. I'm sure burning people alive is in the bible somewhere. I can't imagine how most countries with similar laws (Uganda, Bangladesh, Zimbabwe, etc.) would feel if a bill was passed that made it legal to beat and torture heterosexuals based on arbitrarity. Russia is full of dirt bags, but it is a little funny how the Russians are always portrayed as the enemy, but no one reports on the African, Asian, or Middle Eastern countries with similar anti-gay laws. Let's all pretend that propagating The Cold War that ended more than 20 years ago is more important than the western world surreptitiously upholding racism. Something to think about.
All that being said, I still think Russia is full of aliens. They seem very uncomfortable here. They did try to go to space first. That should tell you something.
Target in Canada
In other exciting news, I guess American companies believe Canadian soil is worth building on. Thus, Target has reached Canada, replacing Zellars and opening up stores across the country. Great. A smaller, slightly cleaner, but equally as useless Wal-Mart. The only thing that bothers me about Target, are the people pronouncing it, "Tar-Gay" or Targèt or whatever fucking stupid unnecessary accent it is that you've assigned to this word. I've never heard someone say to me, "Let's get our guns and get some targèt practice in!" All of you, shut your dirty mouths right now. I'm going to lead a hate campaign against everyone who pronounces Target wrong, where I dropkick every single one of you in the asshole. I don't care if you're 95 years old and have a walker. I'll eat that fucking walker.
The story that made everyone in Japan cum simultaneously. People finally discovered Cthulu! I watched the documentary a while ago, and with the magic of lures, something even I could have thought of had they consulted me, this group of scientists that love Hentai finally got a giant squid to show its face to a camera. I find it both hilarious and unsettling that it took this long to find something that's 25 metres long. You think they'd be easier to spot. Four of these squids end to end would be longer than a football field. Coincidentally, so would my penis.
It took a team of people with a range of ideas to finally film the squid. The winning idea eventually came from a woman named Edith Widder, I think. If you watch the documentary, man is she a fucking rude old bat. Not that I was cheering for the weird octopus sex obsessed guy, but be a little humble about it.
Breaking Bad ends
Ah, Breaking Bad. The show that inspired thousands to get arrested for drug possession and trafficking. It's widely regarded as the best show ever made, I'm told. I've only watched the first two seasons, and the only memorable moment for me was Skylar getting finger blasted in some sort of meeting. I don't really know anything else about the show, beyond the fact that the dad from Malcolm in The Middle cooks meth, and it's popular and stuff. Also that it ended. Good, now you can all stop talking about it. I don't even have to watch the show to know how it ends. The main character dies and the secondary character gets to go free. I'm right, aren't I? What's so special about it, anyway? So a dude makes drugs, big deal. We treat those people like criminals in the real world, we don't hand them Emmy's. What the hell's wrong with you people?
Blockbuster is GONE
Oh, Blockbuster. The place where I used to rent N64 games when I was a kid, is now gone. It was rumoured that there was one Blockbuster left in my city, the very last of its kind, but I'm certain it's been burned down by now. Like that stupid tortoise in the Galapagos. An idea for a new way of streaming movies and television shows was brought to the world, because the people in charge of those things got tired of other people stealing all of their shit. We are now in the age of Netflix, the service that eclipsed Blockbuster. Yes, for only a few dollars a month, you too can gain access to the what, three movies on Canadian Netflix? I guess it's expected to be shit, considering a membership costs as much as a Nike worker's yearly salary. That's what Netflix reminds me of. Human suffering, as well as a colossal waste of consciousness.
|Though aspiring to be a potato is a noble pursuit|
Jonas Brothers disband
Ok, you're off to a good start, Jonas Brothers. Now if you could all go die in a tragic bear eating you accident, that would be great. Supposedly they disbanded because they felt they would blossom further as individuals. You had your time, kids. You aren't going to get it back. Best of luck, though. I'm sure eventual heroin addiction will treat you well. Lindsay Lohan's been keeping the gutter warm for you, so at least you'll have company. Man, I don't even listen to their music and I hate these people so much. Sorry, dudes.
Justin Bieber does some stuff
In other news, it turns out that Justin Bieber is your typical, idiot teenager. In 2013 he got arrested for impaired driving, and for being a douchebag. He's also wanted in two different continents for vandalism which is actually kind of commendable. A lot of people are upset at the kid for being biologically programmed to be stupid at his age. Me? I could care less. I don't care that he's been arrested, and I don't care that he's an irresponsible idiot. Until Bieber takes a shit on my car and I beat him to death with a shovel, he doesn't impact my life whatsoever. Are we so desperate for entertainment that we are forced to watch a young child's poor decisions in life and pretend it matters?
One thing I will say about Bieber, is that he's done every stereotypically stupid rich kid exploit known to man. The kid bought a monkey. The best part about it is that he didn't realize you needed paperwork to travel with it, so he had to leave it at an airport in Germany. That is the greatest thing I have ever heard. On my best day I couldn't write something that funny. I like to imagine airport security threw the monkey in the garbage soon after confiscating it for being over 100mL.
Justin Trudeau may be an idiot
This is one goddamn handsome politician. He looks like Josh Groban had sex with Roger Federer. I never thought I'd want that until now.
The problem is that he's an idiot. To be fair to the man, bumbling idiocy seems like a prerequisite while running for office, especially if you're a liberal and are destined to lose always. It may not inherently be his fault. Trudeau made headlines in 2013 for some unfortunate sound bites he provided to the media. Including one about examining "the root causes of terrorism", in the wake of the Boston Marathon bombing.
He also gave a healthy lecture on Chinese dictatorship. Y'know, discussing ideals that are on the complete opposite end of the spectrum of the ones he's standing behind. Beyond the poor timing, examining the roots of terrorism sounds off to me. That sounds like you're wondering how to get started. I'm curious, do these people not have a friend they can run things by? If I do anything stupid, my friends let me know immediately. I've been ridiculed faster than realizing my toe hurts after kicking a table. I can only imagine if my warped ideas governed a country. Everyone would be naked and playing Halo inside of 10 minutes.
Syria, a romantic vacation spot if you're on a budget, had an interesting 2013. I could go in depth, but in keeping with my tradition of refusing to take anything seriously, I'll just compare the chemical attack that occured there to the dutch ovens that my girlfriend repeatedly has to endure. Let's all be glad we live here instead and breathe a sigh of relief, and reflect on how a large portion of Syria was breathing a sigh of Sarin gas for a while. Your move, Geneva Protocol.
Charles Saatchi chokes wife
I have no idea who this person is, but he made headlines for choking his wife in a cafe. Who among us hasn't imagined choking our significant other over dinner? I can only imagine the conversation that took place moments before. "Bitch, that was MY scone!" It was her fault for having a neck anyway. Is anyone really surprised that an Iraqi dude was caught choking a woman?
Lance Armstrong confesses
As you may recall, Lance Armstrong was stripped of all his Tour de France titles following doping allegations in 2012. He lost sponsorships and stuff, and I imagine none of those sponsors returned that money. You would think raising all of that money for charity would put a man down for a while, but Lance was eager to become a parable, so he confessed his sins to... Oprah Winfrey? What? When have you ever been involved with cycling, Oprah? Fuck off.
Lance's pointless confession was almost as much fun to listen to as Mel Gibson. In it, he states that winning seven Tour de France titles wouldn't have been possible without cheating. I guess working hard is a thing of the past. Unless your dreams involve performance enhancing drugs, children, you'd best dream of other shit. The solution to all of this pointless drama is very simple. I'm surprised no one has thought of it before me. Invent a sport where cheating is a requirement. Like helicopter racing. That could only result in increased entertainment. If Lance joined, with any luck, he could chop off his other testicle.
J.J. Abrams writing Star Wars
Ah, Star Wars. The movies released in the late 70's that broke the barriers between gay robots, and inspired every man on the planet to try and turn their dicks into lightsabers. Then a new trilogy began around the beginning of the century that challenged all of us. How long can we listen to Jar Jar Binx before our lungs claw their way out of our asses and we die? The story of Star Wars was brought to life by way of Hayden Christensen's awe inspiring acting talent, where he attempted to voice every bit of dialog on his own frontal lobotomy. My asshole has more genuine performances and acting credibility than that. Though in fairness to the man, the acting in the original trilogy was about as entertaining as rocks having sex. What passed for dramatic acting back then was, "Pretend you're squeezing a turd out."
Eager to further beat a dead horse, J.J. Abrams is apparently writing and directing the new Star Wars film, set to debut eventually to entitled, angry fans every where who are impossible to please. Mixing Star Trek and Star Wars? Jesus. I've seen friendlier conduct between North and South Korea. It doesn't matter if the guy is qualified for the job, he's committing sacrilege. Personally, I only request J.J. to bring back Natalie Portman. Her performance in Revenge of The Sith was so commanding, it's like she was destined to play that role. Like the symbiotic relationship between a urinary tract and a dick.
At some point in 2013, Calgary became the set of Sharknado.
Paula Deen, spectacular racist
If you don't have the Food Network and don't know who Paula Deen is, don't worry. Her existence isn't of benefit to mankind. She's a southern woman that's absolutely on cocaine at all times, and she loves butter. To clarify, she loves cooking with butter. Though come to think of it, the jury's out on this one. She could be coating her ass with it right now, and we'd never know. At some point in 2013, she made some racist comments, surprising no one, and offending everyone. She's from the south, what were you expecting? Racism is a language down there, right up there with cousin marrying and barbecue. The woman has a brother named "Bubba". When has a name like that ever been associated with anything wholesome?
Paula said something along the lines of, "I'd like a wedding with all black waiters wearing white suits. They'd be like slaves!" In fairness, God never said owning slaves was a bad thing, so I'm sure a logical part of her brain spoke to her and told her that would be a good thing to say out loud. Who among us hasn't fantasized about the good old days of owning people? It's not like we've progressed much as a species since then.
Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman
Yep. Dennis Rodman went to North Korea to hang out with the new leader of that shit stain of a country. You can't make shit like that up. That really happened. I'm just wondering what business Rodman had there. Shoot some hoops and pretend to nuke something? My theory is that Rodman was sent to spy on the North Koreans as a joke. Some people at the CIA got drunk and wrote the idea on a napkin. I suspect a few people in The White House had brown underwear after realizing it actually worked. Fuck Seal Team Six. Dennis Rodman, man!
|AKA: Cross dressing Wesley Snipes|
Leafs CHOKE against Bruins in the NHL Playoffs
It doesn't matter if you care about hockey, you know that The Maple Leafs are the joke team of the world. The sad birthday clown that the children gang up on and quickly overwhelm. Toronto teams have consistently shown their willingness to lose absolutely everything with shocking consistency. It's come to the point where it's truly remarkable that they see fit to continue playing. But, 2013 was different for the Leafs. They actually made the playoffs, and were doing quite well. It was Game 7 against the Boston Bruins, and the Leafs had a 2 goal lead with 90 seconds remaining in the game. The only time you can ever be more assured of victory and good times in life, is when someone spits on your penis.
All signs pointed to a Cinderella story in the making, until the Leafs choked harder than Charles Saatchi. They lost 5-4 in overtime, after the Bruins scored 2 goals in 31 seconds to tie the game up. If you put the horse's head from The Godfather in net it would have won the Leafs that game. At least the Leafs stuck to their long standing tradition of defeat and mediocrity. My only real complaint about the whole ordeal is, why didn't Leaf fans burn their city down, Vancouver style? Missed opportunity, if you ask me.
The infamous whistleblower. Hero or traitor? This completely useless question captured the attention and imagination of a nation for approximately a week, then we all started jerking off and watching Netflix again. To the best of my lazy understanding, the guy leaked national security information to the public, thus exposing the filthy American government for spying on its own people. The NSA, reduced to the weird kid who installs cameras in the girls bathroom.
I really don't see the huge issue here, honestly. The government clearly isn't very good at spying on you, considering they overlooked those girls locked in a basement in Cleveland. So you sacrificed a few liberties for increased security without your express consent, who cares? You didn't even know you had those liberties anyway, and in a time where consent means very little, why is it suddenly an issue here? Now you all know what it feels like to wear a turban in an airport. Personally, I think you're all full of it. I can prove it with a simple sentence. You'd rather have the government look at your browser history than your mother. Besides, the government is full of idiots. Monitoring web searches? I can only imagine the plethora of information gleaned from watching millions of people all having far too much fun with Google's suggested search results.
|Google, known by its lesser title: Mad Libs|
Miley Cyrus twerked and stuff
If you've ever wondered what society would look like as it's spiralling toward a cold oblivion, just know that "twerking" is an official word in the Oxford goddamn Dictionary. Time Magazine listed twerking as one of the top words of the year. How quintessential to language. To summarize the official definition, it's when someone shakes their ass a bunch. Miley Cyrus of Hannah Montana fame popularized this dance move/seizure involving jiggling asses, and people got mad at her and stuff. While I likely have more capacity to being turned on by Bane talking me through a prostate exam, I could honestly care less what Miley Cyrus does with her time, or her ass. I don't understand why people have a problem with her. She's young and sexual? Dear god no. Someone having dominion over their own body? How inappropriate.
Two things. One, performances would be boring if everyone dressed in three piece suits and sang about mortgage payments. Two, she's not a bad influence for young women. Don't pretend like this is a social issue. How about you talk to your own fucking children for a couple minutes instead of pinning your character flaws on a vibrating pair of ass cheeks? Ease your children into distinguishing between right and wrong for themselves, how about that? Now, Miley, if you're reading this for some reason, I think you should treat yourself and come chill with me for a little while. You could put that tongue of yours to better use beyond licking tools of demolition. Like, I have all of these letters to mail, and they aren't going to seal themselves, baby.
I felt it was appropriate to mention Robin Thicke at this juncture, given his spirited performance with Miley Cyrus at the VMAs. Specifically, the events that occured afterwards, where Robin casually threw Miley under the bus for executing a choreographed set properly.
So this guy released a song in 2013 called "Blurred Lines", a song that was responsible for sending women every where into a frenzy. A frenzy in the form of outrage, as well as a dancing frenzy in equal measure. The video was slammed for being mysoginistic, as the lyrics essentially encourage and celebrate sexual harassment. I guess normally that's not objectionable, as Biggie Smalls once sang about fucking women in their asses and pissing on their faces, and a social issue didn't erupt afterwards. The biggest problem most women had with the song, is that Robin Thicke may actually hate women, given some comments he made that I don't care to look for. Me? I find the whole thing very ignorable.
Why? Because I don't take my social cues from a guy named Robin Thicke. He's just some asshole who is trying really hard to be George Michael. I don't care about anything he fucking says. If anyone out there is impressionable enough to adopt this song as doctrine, well it's time you eat your own mother's asshole and establish dominance over her. Robin's stupid playboy attitude applies to all women, right? I can only imagine what would happen if those people played Grand Theft Auto. Jack a car, get a handjob and beat a homeless person with a brick?
This whole discussion clouded the real issue with the video. The excessive hashtag use in today's society. Nowadays, everything matters, nothing matters, and nobody knows how to describe things anymore. My breakfast was #amazing! You could just say good. I shouldn't know what everyone on earth has for breakfast. I hope you choke on your pancakes and die.
|Discount Mitch Hedberg|
Psy - Gentleman
The man, the legend, the face of infinite genius shown in the worldwide hit, "Gangnam Style", returned in 2013 to bring us his newest single, "Gentleman". It was comparably lackluster, but given the magic of K-Pop defying classification, it's difficult to describe anything as legitimately good. Psy's weird amalgamation of English and Korean lyrics in Gentleman, captured my heart enough to model my entire life off of him. The other day I farted in my hand and stuffed it in some woman's nose in a library, and she loved me for it.
Dan O'Toole and Jay Onrait leave Sports Centre
The most tragic departure from any occupation ever, the two most entertaining humans in Canadian history, Jay Onrait and Dan O'Toole left SportsCentre. They went to pursue some other stuff in the States, leaving Canadians so broken, you'd think there was a bacon shortage. I miss Jay's swordfish nose and cocaine fueled sports commentary.
Now we're left with some fucking idiot named Bryan Mudryk.
I hate this guy, looking uncomfortable in all of his shitty suits, while trying too hard to be cool, math teacher style. I hate that bitch Kate Beirness more though.
It's so irritating how she pronounces words like "about" as "aboot". Kate, the word "about" doesn't have two "O's" in it, for shit sakes. This isn't Scotland, nor do we all come from Newfoundland. They're even less of a province than Nova Scotia. I hope they get swallowed into the Atlantic. All that being said, I would totally bang her. Bryan too, I don't care.
ABBA back on stage?
There were rumours that ABBA was returning to the stage in 2013, after decades of inactivity, like grandpa's dick. Apparently this rumour surfaces every year, proving that unless it's a first person shooter or furniture, no one cares what comes out of Sweden. Oh but Dancing Queen. The song that inspired me to get naked and mop floors. Bit of an awkward conversation at work, mind you, but whatever.
Richard III body found
Huh. Turns out that Richard III was an actual person. Shows how much I paid attention during my short lived Shakespearean training. This changes nothing, of course. I still hate the shitty play. Richard was just some asshole that murdered Henry VI and got his ass kicked on Bosworth Field. I would say who cares, but I guess some people cared enough to dig his old dead ass up. Good for you guys, I guess. The talent of grave robbing can be parlayed into a career. I don't know why, but I like to imagine all of those wars fought before 1500. I picture a bunch of faggy soldiers with tight leggings, poofy dresses and obnoxious wigs, poking each other with fencing swords, saying shit like, "Oh goodness my dear fellow!" I'm really glad that stupid thought is now out of my head.
Tiger Woods wins some stuff
After banging enough women to almost certainly have a venereal disease named after him, Tiger Woods was back to doing what he does only moderately well sometimes. Wielding a ball slapping apparatus, getting paid absurd amount of money for it, and faking as many injuries as possible to excuse his poor performances, thus garnering positive media support. You aren't fooling anyone, Tiger. What a toll golf must take on your body, occasionally swinging a club inbetween bouts of sitting in a cart. I've often felt they should tone down the senseless violence in golf, that brutal contact sport. The sport is so disquieting, they have to commentate it at a whisper.
John Tortorella sentenced to mediocrity in Vancouver
After this made headlines, fans of the Canucks seated behind the players bench were encouraged to wear full protective riot gear, for fear that John might throw water bottles at their faces, and try spearing them to death with sticks. I was excited, as I know from experience that Italians hate cold climates. I was expecting some glorious sound bites during Tortorella's tenure in the only city in Canada that has an ocean that's only occasionally warm enough to swim in. Then he got fired. I like to imagine that's because he probably tried to stab a reporter in the neck with a pencil.
Kanye West impregnates Kim Kardashian
All I can say is that's gonna be one stupid fucking baby. Is it a law that a stupid celebrity baby has to be born every year? With any luck, Justin Bieber will impregnate a ferret to balance out this news in my mind. Imagining Kanye and Kim in the bedroom is a bit funny though. "Kim, imma let you finish."
Roger Ebert dies
I'll admit, I actually had no idea Roger Ebert was a real person until he died, and even now I'm not entirely convinced. To the best of my knowledge, he was more or less a professional asshole, something I aspire to be myself. I'd say the world has lost a great person, and he now makes a strong candidate for worst looking corpse ever. Just saying. The dude even looked like he was getting a head start on decomposition. He looked like a perpetual bee sting victim, and a melon that someone punched.
James Gandolfini dies
Well, at least we can say The Sopranos ended exactly how we all imagined it would.
Margaret Thatcher dies
The lady with a steel plate for a vagina, passed away in 2013. Either because the afterlife needed some tidying up, or because she just fucking felt like it.
Paul Walker dies
At the risk of sounding insensitive, it seems like there's at least one ironic celebrity death a year. Michael Clarke Duncan dying after his portrayal of John Coffey, for example. So much for resurrection. Now the star of the Fast and Furious franchise dies in a car accident? God has a weird sense of humour.
Apparently it's now legal to murder black people in Florida.
Nelson Mandela dies
For a moment when I heard the news, I legitimately thought Morgan Freeman died, but no, it was the real Nelson Mandela. Not the man portraying him in that movie Invictus that I watched 10 minutes of. Everything I know about Nelson Mandela, I know from that movie, so something about prison, and rugby. I almost feel bad for being as uninformed as I am, as seemingly the entire world shed a tear when he died, but care has never been a strong point of mine. The day I can melt a pair of panties with Nelson Mandela trivia, I might pretend to care about him. In the mean time, his life has been reduced to pasting some of his quotes on stupid pictures so high school kids can feel deep. No one cares if you think you're relating to anything this guy said.
|If you can translate that, I'll be impressed|
For those who don't know who Oscar Pistorius is, he's a runner from South Africa with crowbars for legs, which won him a bunch of medals and international fame. He celebrated his newfound international fame by shooting his girlfriend to death in his house. The account of the incident has always confused me. It's said that Pistorius mistook his girlfriend for an intruder, and opened fire through the locked bathroom door. This sounds an awful lot like Pulp Fiction to me. Turns out Oscar was found not guilty of murder, but was found guilty of something called "culpable homicide". It's basically murdering someone without intending to, which makes it ok. How is that possible to prove? Best not to ask questions. Say "my bad" after murdering someone and you'll be fine.
Courtney Love lost her phone
Courtney Love, famous for killing Kurt Cobain, lost her phone in a taxi last year, and the driver returned it to her a few minutes later. Y'know, incase you wanted to know. Apparently this passes for news now. I know if I found Courtney Love's phone, I'd probably chop off both of my hands and throw myself in acid. There are some things you can't get out with just soap.
Seth MacFarlane hosts Oscars
The man best known for producing a cartoon about as funny as masturbating with sandpaper, was the host of the Oscars in 2013. I guess the talent pool is running a bit dry in Hollywood. His hosting was met with intense criticism. People even went so far as to name it the "meanest" in history. I guess comedians aren't allowed to make jokes anymore. Nevermind that Wolf of Wall Street was nominated last year, a movie with more swears in it than a man trying to find a screwdriver in his garage, alongside excessive drug use. That's celebrated art, but a comic doing what he does is bad? People love being offended and feeling self-righteous. So he made some jokes some sensitive people might find offensive, big deal. You've probably yelled worse shit out a car window.
Speaking of the Oscars and the asshole who hosted them, yeah, the Oscars happened last year, as you probably know. As they do every year to make everyone on the planet groan, while a bunch of over paid cunts celebrate mediocity. There are really only two things that are important to mention about the Oscars. First, to my amazement, Gravity won best picture, despite being one of the worst films I've ever seen. If I wanted to listen to someone breathing loudly, I would have watched porn. At least then I get some pleasure out of it. Second, Leonardo DiCaprio was denied another Oscar. Now I get to wake up feeling great every morning, knowing I have as many Oscars as he does.
If you don't know what Vines are, congratulations. You probably haven't had someone jam their phone in your eye socket over the past year. You aren't missing much. Vines are simply a haven for those who don't have the capacity for being funny or creative for longer than 7 seconds. They're a celebration of the internet having no attention span anymore, and how we reward people for putting no effort into anything. It's like when a kid takes a shit on its own for the first time, and the parents reward the child with action figures and treats. You know what happens when I take a shit? Nothing. I get shit water on my ballsack, then I have to wipe my own ass.
Ah, North Korea. The most ridiculed country on earth, makes its yearly appearance in the news. Though their stupidity is more of a daily occurrence than an annual experience. Apparently, weapons material was shipped to North Korea via the Panana Canal in 2013. I assume this is a big deal. North Korea is the least threatening country on the planet next to Iceland, and little baby face Kimmy Jong strikes me as someone who is just awful at being a villain. Any day now I'm expecting to see everyone in that country dressed in pink, running around in short jean shorts, parading peace and love. Why? Because they're insane. It's so easy to picture.
Typhoon hits Philippines
A typhoon hit a McDonalds in Vancouver? Holy shit! Don't worry, I don't feel great about that joke either.
Apparently the Make-A-Wish Foundation took The Incredibles as a cautionary tale, and made a young cancer survivor's wish to be Batman's sidekick come true. San Francisco rallied to stage the very elaborate Batkid project, and came through in spades. Apparently this kid got a key to the city, got to drive a Lamborghini, beat the fuck out of The Riddler and Penguin, and saved some damsel in distress. Presumably the damsel blew him afterwards. Yes, the ultimate "Awwww" story of 2013. Luckily the location worked out. Wouldn't have worked so well in Canada in November. Poor Batkid would have either succumbed to hypothermia, or got swallowed into the mountains of dirty brown snow we have.
United States SHUT DOWN
This is one of the greatest things I've ever heard in my life. Because the US government is comprised of a bunch of idiot children who can't agree on anything. The goddamn United States, the country most at risk of sinking into the ground (y'know, because everyone's fat), just kind of stopped being a country for a few days. For the sake of irony, they shut down the Statue of Liberty. I like to imagine the government putting a huge tarp over the statue, and killing everyone in the country who owns binoculars, or a helicopter. They also shut down The Grand Canyon. I don't even know how that's possible. Logistically, how did they do it? Plug it up with like, three American citizens?
Now this. THIS is the greatest thing I've ever heard. Nothing will ever top this. Yes, it's time for the top story of 2013. 2012's top story was a giant eyeball washing up on a beach. This year? An excuse that Justin Bieber wishes he thought of. That's right, the kid who killed four people and critically injured two more, because he suffered from Affluenza. If you're unfamiliar with the term, it basically means you are too rich to understand the consequences of your actions. In other words, it's an adequate excuse to murder people. Having money grants you the privilege of murdering people, we all know that. I suggest you all start saving up now so you can straight up murder folks without punishment.
I imagine next year's top story will be about a chronic masturbator drowning someone with his own semen, but it'll be ok, because no one ever explained to him why murder is a bad thing. I already have an inscription planned. "Masturbator gets off." Until next year!