Tuesday, November 11, 2014

The Hunt For The Master Chief Collection

A while ago now, a money grab was announced by Moneysoft and Fake Bungie (343 Industries) called The Master Chief Collection for the Xbox One. In an effort to make people buy their giant microwave, all four Halo games the Master Chief was directly involved in, were being released on one disc. I can only imagine everyone involved in the project hoped Halo: Reach could be forgotten, while the rest of us questioned why Halo 4 was being featured in the collection. Halo 4 alongside the other titles is a lot like having an amazing entree infront of you, with a side of farts contained in a ziploc bag.

The Master Chief Collection launched for those assholes in Europe living in the future, and some popular fucking cunts on YouTube got early copies of the game, so they could be the first ones to post terrible walk throughs and stake claim over tricks and glitches found several years ago for all the views and YouTube money. People on the internet really covet this stuff. The game finally launched here yesterday, making me the last person on earth to get a copy. Unless you live in Australia, then you might be the last person to get a copy. I'm not even sure the N64 has properly launched there. No one cares about Australia now that we found Nemo, so when I say I was the last person on earth to get a copy, I'm not lying. Getting my copy of Master Chief Collection today was a cavalcade of brief annoyances, which I am going to write about for you now, because I have nothing else to do while this game installs for the next couple hours.

After I had my cup of tea in the morning, because coffee sucks dick and tastes like dog food stuffed in an asshole, I got in my car and headed off to Wal-Mart to procure my copy of Halo. I wasn't overly enthusiastic about going, as I live in Canada, so naturally my city is already buried in enough snow to at least scare the shit out of Atlanta. I wasn't very eager to have my balls freeze to my leg. I could have easily been persuaded away from buying this game with a stack of pancakes, or my girlfriend seductively turning on Netflix, or if the guilt of never doing laundry happened to creep in, but away I went anyway. As I said, the first stop was Wal-Mart, the store everyone is ashamed to shop at, but also the ideal fall out shelter for the coming zombie apocalypse. Either that or the apocalypse will begin in a Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart is an interesting store, because nobody works there. Every time I'm there I check random aisles just to see if someone is getting stabbed to death. You could totally get away with it.

Anyway, I make my way over to the electronics section, past the enormous amount of people with strollers blocking the way, and past the stupid old people who slowly walk infront of you without looking. I looked at the what, 3 games available for the Xbox One, and Master Chief wasn't among them. No big deal, I planned for this, which is why I went to this shit ball store in the first place. I'll just go to another shit ball store. Target. Please pronounce Target properly, by the way. None of this pretending to be French shit, or you get to know what my taint tastes like after a day at the gym.

I drive over to Target, the store that's secretly taunting and challenging all of us to drive directly into the store. I walked in, and the floors were the cleanest floors I have ever seen. You wouldn't find floors that clean in The White House. Someone cares about their job at Target a little bit too much. I'm not sure what's worse in jobs like that. Not caring about your job, or caring about your job. Anyway, I went over to the electronics section, and still no goddamn Master Chief. I left Target a bit disgruntled, and with a desire to buy cheap t-shirts. As I was making my way to my car, I noticed a guy infront of me carrying a Target bag with an Xbox One game in it. I had a suspicion that it was MCC, and I over heard him say, "I just bought Halo!" to his friend, which prompted me to think, "Well what in the fuck is going on here?" That asshole must have gotten the last copy. On reflection I probably should have went back into Target to see if I had missed a display, but the electronics section there was about as spacious as an MRI machine. Plus I worry about what other people think of me, so I decided to visit another store much further away.

Having a car is awesome, because under normal circumstances, the store I wanted to visit might as well have been in China. But I have a car, and cars are awesome. I get to slowly murder the planet for the sake of convenience, and I could run over a cat if I wanted to, and I do. Fucking hate cats. I headed on over to Future Shop, which is located in an area in my city called "South Common". Coincidentally, this is also the section of the city where people apparently forget how to drive properly in winter. As I was pulling into Future Shop, there was some asshole in a truck trying to exit the parking lot. Everyone who owns a truck is an asshole. It just so happens that this exit was conveniently marked with two, "NO ENTRY" signs. Can't imagine what those would be trying to tell you, trucky boy.

I went into Future Shop, which is a less blue version of Best Buy, and couldn't find any fucking copies of the game. Annoyance was finally being brought to the forefront. Why the fuck are there 90 copies of Fifa, but no Master Chief? Having learned from Target, I was thorough in my search this time around, but my search yielded no results. No results that were conducive to me getting the game, but definitely some that I knew would benefit this writing. There was a girl with her boyfriend trying to find the Wii section, and in the process of describing what the Wii is, she quite clearly, very visibly made the jerking off motion for all to see for several seconds. I thought about slipping my penis in there for a second, but I'm pretty sure that's probably objectionable for several reasons, so I moved on.

I was going to go to Best Buy after, but there was another Wal-Mart across the street. A Super Store Wal-Mart, in fact. A store so big, I'm not entirely sure if I've left yet. I figured it would be stupid not to check this place, so away I went. Of course, this was only after I was able to leave my parking spot, since some stupid tiny lady was attempting to find parking, by stopping her car directly infront of mine, ignoring my existence completely, and scanning the readily available spaces directly to her left as slowly as possible. It's times like this I really wish I drove a tank.

I made my way over to Wal-Mart, which was interesting because the people in charge of clearing snow in my city are either extremely lazy, have very poor judgment, or they're all dead. I like to imagine those people driving to work themselves and thinking, "Eh, let everyone figure out where the fucking lines are." I surveyed the landscape. There was a left turning lane clearly marked with a sign, so I stayed in the right lane. I assumed it was a designated turn lane. There was a van next to that lane, so I cozied up next to it in the right lane, lit some candles, nibbled its ear a little just to get the mood going. It looked as if there were clearly two lanes leading into the obnoxiously large Wal-Mart parking lot, but it turns out that I may have been in a designated right turn lane, and totally cut off the van. The road narrowed as I got closer, but I wouldn't be shamed by that decision. We were all trying to shop at Wal-Mart. No judgments. I will say that someone should really consider clearing the fucking snow when traffic relies on markings that are painted on the ground rather than displayed on brightly colored signs.

At long last, I found my way to the electronics section at Wal-Mart. I don't know why I keep mentioning the fact that I'm headed for the electronics section like it's a crucial detail. I went to the produce section and found Master Chief mixed in with the bell peppers! That would be noteworthy. So there I was, standing behind a dude who was dealing with a woman who clearly had no fucking idea what was happening around her. I have never seen someone so noticeably panicked about something as non-trivial as... whatever it is she was freaking out about. She kept calling some lady on the intercom about a price check, or maybe she just needed emotional support to hold a laser up to a bar code and press cryptic buttons on a till. A lady noticed me and asked if I needed a game unlocked, I said yes as she spanked my sweet ass, lead me to the Xbox One case, unlocked that bitch, and got me The Master Chief Collection. I do find it funny how Wal-Mart locks their games like they're housing nuclear launch codes. What the fuck am I going to do? Run past your old ass Wal-Mart greeter? Yes, actually, I would do that, and maybe grab some cookies and a frisbee on the way out.

The lady took me over to another till to pay for my game, as the confused lunatic at the other till was still preoccupied with not knowing how to do things. I bought the game, and made my way back to the car, questioning my decision not to pre-order this game. I was getting ready to reverse, but there were endless cars behind me trying to locate spots in a confused maelstrom, like trying to herd sheep with a vuvuzela. Then as I was finally ready to leave, two old ladies decided to stop dead infront of my car, oddly enough with a full cart. They were just kind of aimlessly looking around and pointing at things, meaning they probably had no idea where they parked. If I was a good person I might stop and feel bad about that, but I fucking hate those ladies and would have gladly ran them over. Get out of the fucking way, you fucking artifact, I have a game I want to install for hours and later complain about on internet forums!

Then of course I got stuck behind two people going 40 in a 60, which is always fun. Don't worry about inconveniencing everyone around you. When even just a little bit of snow falls like it always fucking does and encompasses our lives for 60% of the year, it's imperative that you drive obnoxiously slow to make the roads just a little bit more dangerous than they already are. There was also a multitude of truck driving cunts not signalling before changing lanes, and a bunch of people being indecisive about which lane they wanted to be in. I can forgive that one, as the roads right now look like my toilet bowl after some Chinese food.

Good timing on completing this writing, as MCC has finally finished installing. I'm looking forward to hopping into these games, particularly after everything I've heard about the them thus far. So far as I know, these games sound hilariously, embarrassingly broken. It seems as if driving wasn't the only thing that will aim to test my patience today. I'm excited to eventually drown my Xbox. All I personally know about this collection thus far, is that in a desperate move, Halo 4 was the first game to install out of the four. Sorry, Fake Bungie. No one is going to play Halo 4, even just to pass the time while waiting for the actual good games to install.

There's a fifth thing to the far right that I probably don't give a shit about. Halo 3 seems to be suffering from some form of performance anxiety and refuses to install. But as of this moment, the games have all installed, which means it's time to eat lunch as I'm on the verge of rigor mortis here, then hope these re-released games justify the enormous amount of life I've wasted on these games, and money I spent to get to this point. Later on I will likely be writing about the Halo 5 Beta, which has been made available to me because of this purchase, as everything about it seems absurdly stupid from the gameplay trailer I watched. It begs the question, "Are 343 Industries serious?" I think they might be. So stay tuned for that, as Halo 5 will likely show us all what shit looks like being flushed down a toilet in first person.