Happy New Year, you fucks! It's that time of year when kids the world over have to, yet frequently forget to write "2013" on all of their stupid assignments, I suppose in a constant effort to remind their teachers that it is in fact the new year. It's also my favorite time of year, when at least three people you know vow to visit the gym more often to get in shape. I'm not sure what stops people the entire year prior, but what I do know for sure and look forward to is watching them all fail miserably within a month. I cheer for the ones that make it to mid-February.
I've never cared much for the new year, personally, because I'm awesome and there's nothing wrong with me. However, there were a lot of news stories this year that caught my attention, and I've realized that the new year yields an exciting opportunity to make fun of a massive amount of shit, which I love to do. You'll notice that I titled this piece, "2012 Year End Review", which means it's likely to show up on Google eventually and piss off someone's parents. So, without further ado, here's a bunch of stories from 2012. I'll start with the end of the year, with the most disappointing apocalypse ever.
What a fucking shambles this was. Only a handful of unmedicated people believed this was actually going to happen. Everyone else, including myself, knew this was total bullshit from the beginning. However, when the winter solstice came about, admit it. It crossed your mind. Then nothing happened. The world wasn't swallowed into oblivion, we weren't encompassed by a ball of light and transcended into a higher form of consciousness, and a giant bear from space didn't eat the planet. So I guess Earth rules, and ancient man had no grasp of the modern world. Really, who would have thought. On the subject of apocalypses though.
I'm not sure if this was 2011 news, but it makes the list anyway because someone has a zombie proof house. Did you see this thing? Sweet jesus.
The only security flaw is that it's not located on the moon. That fortress looks more zombie proof than Iron Man. Am I the only one who wants to throw a rock at it just to see what would happen?
The "God" Particle - Higgs Boson
At long last, the Large Hadron Collider has done something useful, and we've discovered the "Higgs Boson", a particle that gives certain matter in the universe, mass. I hate science, so I'm assuming this is significant to a lot of people who went to school for a long time. I'm not sure why they decided to call it the "God" particle, given the whole keep God out of science thing. What I find really amusing about the Higgs Boson, however, is that while it was made official, particle physicists are speculating that it could be an entirely different particle. So really, they discovered nothing. But it sounds cool, right? Joe Incandela, one of the spokesman for the people who discovered the particle, had this to say on the matter (hehe), "It's kind of profound." I suppose it kind of maybe is, Joe.
Pictures of DNA and Dark Matter were taken
Oh what an exciting year for science. Apparently, some people managed to take a picture of DNA, as well as a picture of Dark Matter, rounding off a potentially uninteresting Instagram profile. DNA is really small, so taking a picture of it is cool. I can understand why it's impressive, but I don't know why someone would try so hard to do it. It's a lot like mastering the yo-yo. Dark Matter is the stupid name that uncreative scientists gave to this shit in space that's apparently making the universe expand. Dark Matter is a lot like a vagina to a good scientist. They have no idea what it is. But, they took a picture of it, and then everyone got drunk at the christmas party.
Remember those stupid cars that could park themselves? You know, that feature that absolutely no one needed? Well, now cars can drive themselves. Look it up. The vehicle designed entirely for pranks. I'm not sure how it works, but I do know that the vehicles have gotten in a couple accidents, so the technology is still a ways- oh wait, those accidents happened when people drove them... Well, that's embarrassing. Way to suck, people. While we're on the subject of Skynet:
Microsoft patents the Holodeck
It's likely not true, but if it is, holy shit. We're getting closer to immersive Star Trek technology! Too bad it's Microsoft spearheading the design though. I can only imagine the irritating install and buggy software updates that don't work. Then they'll start releasing new versions of it on a yearly basis. Holodeck Vista. That's when mankind will have reached the pinnacle of decadence, when we start complaining about our glitchy Holodeck technology. The best part will be when porn industries pick up on the technology, projecting fuckable images on to every surface in your living room. Personally, I would set it up in my front foyer and project a giant dick out the front door. That's when only the most dedication of Jahova's Witnesses wake my ass up in the morning.
Apparently, actual mind-controlled limbs are in the works. The idea is to get paralyzed people walking again using their minds. I don't know the science behind the device, but I guess the brain sends signals to the device by some means, and you're able to move. It's very cool technology, but I feel that there could be some problems with the technology. Just the other day I was at work, saw a baby in the restaurant and thought, "I would like to punch that baby." Everyone thinks something like this at some point, don't lie. Our brains are weird fucking things sometimes. That begs the question, what happens to the limb when those thoughts come about? How strong is the arm? Is there an emergency shutdown in the event of an accidental choking? Have these people ever watched Terminator, for fuck sakes?
The diamond planet
On a sparkly note, a planet made entirely out of diamonds was found somewhere in the cosmos. It's like 8000 light years away or something, which makes it the perfect metaphor if your fiance ever starts bitching at you.
The Curiousity Mars Rover, so named for its bi-sexual tendencies, landed on Mars at some point this year that I can't remember, because the old Viking craft that landed there in the 70's was gay. The mission was a lot like that experiment we all did where you throw an egg off something and have to make it land safely, but in large scale. Because NASA is balls, Curiousity landed safely on Mars, and is now wheeling around searching for water, and will hopefully not get stuck in a pot hole anytime soon.
Voyager 1 strolls out of the solar system
Remember the Voyager satellite? That adorable probe floated out of the solar system this year, baffling scientists the world over. I can only assume that it's partying now while giving Earth the finger.
The Olympics made headlines this year, mainly because it's just the Olympics, where we all have to pretend that sports affect our patriotism. I only wanted to mention the Olympics on this list because of the fucking stupid logo:
Did you know that the awkward shapes are actually "2012"? Nobody knew that, because it was a terrible design. Did you also know that the logo is someone getting a blowjob? Or is it someone getting butt sex...? Probably both. There were other stories from the Olympics, like that frowning girl who became a meme, how Micheal Phelps is a bitch, how Usain Bolt is still fast as fuck, how the Olympic village was a giant orgy (it wasn't), and how the pre and post shows were awful, but no one really cares. Not even the Queen cared. Did you see her face? She looks like a goddamn UFC fighter that got farted on.
The NHL Lockout
While we're on the subject of sports, I'll mention the NHL lockout that's still awkwardly going on into the new year. Apparently hockey players are stupid and greedy as fuck. I don't know all of the drama surrounding the lockout, but what I do know is that it's all about money, which is funny, because the players are losing money by not playing. Way to be counter productive, you toothless morons. I hope your multi-million dollar lives are plagued by misery after this lockout.
Spain owns everybody at soccer
If you're not familiar with soccer, it's a form of entertainment in Europe that involves kicking a small leather ball and riots. Spain won the European championship this year, its third in a row, making Spain the most successful team in the history of soccer. What makes this story truly special, however, is that Spain beat Italy in the final, and italian people are great fun when they lose. The excuses are truly inventive, but they all hover around a central concept: the skill of the other team contributed nothing to the loss. Italy was injury ridden, and that's why they lost. With all the diving that the italians do to get cheap wins, eventually they were actually going to get injured. Can't just keep tempting fate like that, man.
In an effort to make female soccer entertaining and relevant (I'm sorry, but it's true), the United States totally fucking cheated at the olympics to win it all. I didn't watch the game between Canada and the US, but I heard that it was made of bullshit, which made a woman by the name of Christine Sinclair exceptionally mad. Then she got suspended. I assume this is a big deal.
Lance Armstrong, the man who rewrote the phrase, "Balls of steel" to "Ball of steel", fell from grace this year and was stripped of all seven of his Tour De France titles. Apparently the guy was on drugs the entire time. Lesson be learned, children. Everything great in life is achieved by substance abuse. My question is, how did he get away with it for so long? Did no one that whole time think his pee smelled just a little bit weird? I would argue that he was taking medication for the whole one testicle thing, but whatever.
Just to be that guy, he didn't really jump from space. He fell. Still pretty goddamn cool though. Dude broke the sound barrier and all of his organs didn't rupture and he didn't implode (regrettably). He was essentially a squishy meteorite. Now we all know the extremes man will go to for pussy.
The Rise of E-Sports
Yes, E-Sports is a real thing, and it's on the rise. Nerds compete for real money at real tournaments playing videogames, and the winners take away more than you and I do in a year. I felt it warranted a mention this year, because I think there was a tournament held in a game called League of Legends, and the prize for first place was like 2 million fucking dollars or something. 2 million dollars! This proves that videogames are only a waste of time if you suck balls at them.
SOPA and PIPA
Remember those fat assholes who tried to steal the internet? Well, after an enormous outrage at the idea, the bills weren't passed, so the internet remains free and awesome. Except I've heard that they passed some sort of bill recently that prohibits illegal downloading, so they sort of won. I still upload Halo videos to youtube regularly, and no one has fined my ass, so I guess I'm not a threat to national security. MegaUpload was though, apparently. I never used it, but I guess they stole shit, so their website got seized by the FBI. Go visit MegaUpload now. It's awesome. I think they're all in prison now too, proving that the justice system has its priorities in check.
I've unintentionally been grouping all of these entries in different categories. Sports and science, mainly. I wasn't sure how to transition into celebrity news gracefully, so I decided to do it awkwardly, with the most awkward name ever. Apparently, Jay-Z and Beyonce had a baby, and named it Blue Ivy. Beyonce's ass remained the same size throughout the pregnancy, and I suspect they will name their second child The Riddler. Blue Ivy? Really? I doubt the child of Jay-Z and Beyonce will struggle in life, but that really is a stupid fucking name.
Lindsay Lohan remains a giant ugly bitch
Ah, Lindsay Lohan. Professional cunt and serious contender for top result on Google search for "crack whore". Look at her. She looks like a fucking out house with botox:
She did a whole lot of shit in 2012 that involved drugs and car accidents, but my favorite story was when she stole a necklace. Lindsay, why would you steal a necklace...? Are you retarded? I'm really tired of her making headlines. It's not even funny anymore. It's just pathetic. We get it, you're an idiot, Lindsay. Has anyone considered that the best therapy for her would be a good old fashioned ass kicking? I'm surprised it hasn't happened yet. Shia LaBeouf got his ass kicked for being a douchebag. Lindsay Lohan is far worse. Someone slap that bitch, or put her on MXC. Picture that for a second and tell me that wouldn't be a beautiful work of art.
Kristen Stewart totally cheated on Robert Pattinson
Kristen Stewart showed some form of emotion in 2012, and cheated on Robert Pattinson with the director of Snow White and The Huntsman. How COULD YOU, Bella? Cheating on Edward like that. Robert Pattinson is an ugly bitch, I'll grant you, but how could you ever shamelessly promote the last Twilight film like that? It was totally to promote the movie, come on, are you kidding me? But, if headlines are to be believed, Kristen and Robert have thankfully made up since the cheating scandal, and are still living together, making me believe in true love.
She claimed that she only kissed Rupert Sanders, but you can totally see him going down on her in the pictures. It's awesome. His head is all the way in there. Kristen Stewart, literal hat. Unless she has a dick, which could be possible. Am I the only one who finds it weird that Kristen took way more flak than Rupert for cheating? The dude was married with kids. Some teenage girl doing her best impression of plywood, cheating on a guy who looks like one of the hyenas that killed Mufasa, portraying bland characters from shitty literature, is considered worse? Makes sense to me.
The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises
These movies make the list of top stories for being fucking awesome. They will likely not make the list of contenders for Academy Awards, because the academy is stupid and only likes dumb films that no one has ever watched or heard about, like The Artist. In fairness, they don't have a, "Movie That Gave Me A Stiffy" category at the academy awards, so I suppose it's fair. They have to leave them out of all the other categories, otherwise they'd clean fucking house. The awards will go to Meryl Streep and whoever plays someone disadvantaged or gay. I don't lie.
Johnathan and Charlotte on Britain's Got Talent
So apparently, at some point on Britain's Got Talent, this guy and girl walked out on stage:
We soon found out that he was essentially the male version of Susan Boyle with roughly the same voice. Dude sings all high pitched and opera-like, it's fucking awesome. It made headlines because he's shy, looks weird and is over weight. Wow, I guess large people have talent too. That's amazing. You know, I never imagined that could be possible. Next we're going to see some skinny kid with glasses sing and win the hearts of millions. Then, a woman will be talented at something. Just stop me when this starts sounding condescending.
Facebook buys Instagram
I guess this was a thing that happened. I didn't hear about it. Probably because I only use Facebook to talk about my balls, and I don't even know what Instagram is. Seriously, I have no idea what Instagram is. Some kind of theory that opposes the whole conservation of energy thing I imagine. To my narrow understanding of Instagram, it's a haven for people who enjoy taking shitty photos and blurring them, and Facebook bought it. So if you've ever wondered why people are using hashtags (#) on Facebook, that's probably why.
Facebook goes public
I guess this was also a thing that happened. This explains the enormous amount of people whining about privacy issues on Facebook. I've been told that this was big news and deserved a spot on this list, so here it is. There's a lot of things that happen when a company goes public, all of which I don't understand, and will never endeavour to understand. What I do know is that Mark Zuckerberg lost a fuck tonne of money thanks to his lame ass initial public offering. Dude lost like 8 billion dollars. Now he only has about 10 billion dollars to his name. What a fucking loser.
Smallest Frog discovered
This discovery does beg the question though. How many of these have we stepped on before? Also, this is totally photoshop. I'm throwing that out there.
For those who don't know, Lonesome George was a giant tortoise who lived on an island, who passed away in 2012. He was the only one left of his kind, and never got laid. I'm not sure why all the other species that went extinct in the last decade failed to gain notoriety. Fuck them, I guess. Poor fucking turtle.
Honey Boo Boo
Honey Boo Boo makes it on the list for so beautifully displaying what happens to children if they invade your stash of cocaine. Honey Boo Boo is a six year old beauty pageant participant, because I guess those still exist to make women hate themselves at an early age, and is also a national treasure to americans. She gained notoriety for being over weight and competing in competitions that are largely skinny and bitch oriented. She also might be insane, which is cool. Part of me desperately wants to hate her for some reason, but the family is actually kind of adorable, so me and Honey Boo Boo are chill. Mainly because she's not a known giver of fucks.
Transgender banned from beauty pageant
While we're on the subject of beauty pageants, remember that transgender who was banned from competing in the Miss Universe contest? Something I didn't know existed before this story went viral. The Miss Universe contest, not transgenders. I'm aware of the existence of Thailand. Anyway, Jenna Talackova was born a man, but went under hormone therapy and the knife to become a woman. Then she was banned from the Miss Universe contest. I don't know what rule the judges referenced for that one, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist. Come on, like this is actually a punishable offence. She's a woman. Get over it. She's far more convincing than Lana Wachowski. Yeesh.
Beastie Boy, Adam Yauch, MCA, passed away at 47
Forever Intergalactic. Rest in peace, MCA.
Whitney Houston passed away
I'll be honest. I had no idea who Whitney Houston was before she passed away. I'm sure I heard her sing at some point, but I never put a face to the voice. Since I had no idea who she was, I suspected she was actually good, unlike other female artists like Britney Spears and the forehead monster, Rihanna. Sure enough, I looked up Whitney Houston on Wikipedia, and goddamn. That was one talented woman. The Wikipedia article is such a buzzkill though. It's this enormous list of achievements, then in conclusion, "She drowned in the bath as a result of her extensive cocaine abuse." Wikipedia isn't big on dignity, I see.
Neil Armstrong passed away
This still seems like a giant hoax, moreso than the moon landing itself. Neil Armstrong can't die. The guy walked on and likely jiggled his junk on the moon. He's immortal. Armstrong passing away is like Optimus Prime dying. It's just not right or possible. But, the man really did pass away. One of the most important figures in all of history. If you notice a slight change in the seasons in the coming years, it's because Neil Armstrong's balls aren't affecting the tilt of the planet anymore. Rest in peace.
Sally Ride passed away
Neil Armstrong's death largely over shadowed the death of Sally Ride. Lack of equality also played a large role, let's just be honest. She was the youngest person to ever travel to space, and also the first woman to ever go to space. She went higher than that high-altitude balloon with the camera on it, making her more awesome, but only just, admittedly. Sally Ride, the only woman on the planet who could upper cut you with her titties. Rest in peace.
The Miama Cannibal
There was really no way to gracefully include this on the list, so we'll just do it now and get it over with. It was like any other beautiful, sunny afternoon in Miama, Florida. Until a nude Hannibal Lector approached a homeless man on a causeway, engaged in brief polite, albeit awkward conversation, then proceeded to literally eat the man's face. This went on for a while until someone finally shot the fucking guy dead. It was speculated that the cause of the attack was the result of bath salts, which turned the cannibal, Rudy Eugene, into a zombie. Then a toxicology revealed that he was only on marijuana. So I guess weed makes your face delicious. Who knew. My question is, what ever happened to just being fucking insane? He HAS to be on drugs to be crazy?
James Cameron travelled to the bottom of the ocean
To be specific, the bottom of the ocean in this case means the deepest spot, the bottom of the Mariana Trench, also known by its unofficial titles of asshole of the planet, and best hiding spot ever. This is also the same James Cameron who directed that shitty Titanic movie, and the sufficiently underwhelming Avatar. Supposedly the man is an explorer when he's not making films, and custom built a submarine-like capsule to travel to the bottom of the ocean in an effort to discover Cthulu, or the remains of Leonardo DiCaprio.
Sadly all the dive yielded was some soil samples. But fucking badass soil samples. Mount Everest would fit inside that thing, as well as almost 30 Empire State Buildings. Why anyone would be eager to fill Marianas Trench with skyscrapers is beyond me, but it puts it in scale nicely. Now because James Cameron is made of balls, he intends to repeat the dive multiple times. Should the capsule suffer a hull breach, provided if buoyancy matters at that depth, James should float up in a ball several months later.
Mankind, having learned nothing from the Titanic, built this big motherfucking boat called the Condordia. So named to express the wish to keep harmony, unity and peace between European nations. What happened next was a cruel and unfortunate metaphor, as the Condordia struck a rock, then tipped on its side like a drunken prom date. How do you hit a rock in the middle of the goddamn ocean? You'd think that would be an easy target to miss.
Fraud in Quebec
Quebec, still having not separated from the rest of Canada, was eager to capture national attention this year in the hopes of remaining relevant, with a series of scandals. I don't know all the specifics behind the scandals, but apparently there was a bunch of money reserved to help the country out of economic downturn, and I guess that money ended up in the hands of certain companies and individuals instead. I can only imagine that they saw the success of Enron executives and thought it would be fun to try. Good thinking, guys. Your insults toward the rest of Canada are perfectly justified. Enjoy your low tuition, cock weasels.
The Presidential Election
On November 6th, 2012, was the 57th presidential election. I know this, because Halo 4 was released on the same day, and because Wikipedia said so. The election pit Barack Obama against the unfortunately named Mitt Romney. The man named after a vagina sadly couldn't realize his dream of treating an entire country like a chequing account, and got his ass handed to him by Obama, proving that americans may not be entirely stupid. Just saying. You guys kind of suck. You almost voted a 72 year old man and a doped up milf to lead your country. Though come to think of it, that would have been kind of cool.
Mitt Romney largely lost the election for his hate campaign against Sesame Street star, Big Bird. Romney, eager to weed out enemies, foreign and domestic. This lost him the crucial adolescent vote, tipping the votes in favour of Obama.
There was a bunch of shit that happened in Europe in 2012. Stuff happened in Syria, Burma and Egypt. Important stuff, I'm sure, but the only country that caught my eye was Greece, when the country erupted in protest against raising taxes for austerity measures. Austerity is basically taking away your shit in an effort to reduce a deficit. The Greek populace didn't take kindly to this, and took to the streets nakedly with weapons and tear gas. It's fair to assume at least one person was naked during the protests.
The riots actually began in 2010, but they've sort of been ongoing. You'd think people would eventually find something better to do, like say, working. I assume that the Greeks still aren't convinced that the recession is a real thing.
Gay marriage legalized
One of the biggest stories this year was Washington legalizing gay marriage. The story was second only to Washington also legalizing marijuana. So now gay people can get married and high as balls at the same time. I assume the inclusion of marijana to the realm of legality was to lessen the blinding effects of gay people macking on each other to overly conservative assholes. What's the big deal about gay people marrying each other anyway? Because the bible hates gay people? Maybe we should introduce a legislation where religious people can't marry each other, because their way of life arbitrarily conflicts with people with superiority complexes. It makes perfect sense, doesn't it?
Kate Middleton pictures released
Oh dear me. Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, supposedly has titties and someone took a picture of them while she was on vacation. I'm not sure why the person who took the picture isn't receiving as much flak as she is. That seems more disturbing to me. Is this just because she's part of the royal family now? Fuck them. They're completely irrelevant in society today, they wear stupid hats and their duties are entirely ceremonial. Catherine has all the right in the world to whip her titties out if she so pleases. It's not as if she received bukkake for money or something.
My only complaint is that she didn't get naked infront of me. That is one sexy lady, my god. Way to go, prince Harry Potter or whatever the fuck your name is. I would show her my union jack in a goddamn hurry. Then after I'm finished with her, I'd mack on that sexy ass queen.
If you're familiar with the internet at all, you're likely aware of its obsession with cats. There's trash cat, physics cat, ninja cat, serious cat, etc. etc. And then, sometime this year, the greatest cat since hover cat took the internet by storm. Grumpy cat. It's awesome. The thing looks like fucking Mr. Magoo:
Rest assured. This cat hates your ass, and as someone pointed out, does an excellent impression of Jeremy Renner in The Bourne Supremecy.
Prior to this song, Korean Pop music was a feared and largely misunderstood subspecies of music. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, Gangnam Style hit the airwaves and won the hearts of millions. It began as a way of trolling people, then it got absurdly popular. Over a billion people have watched the video on youtube, making it the most viewed video ever. Soaring above that bullshit Call Me Maybe song, and Justin Bieber. It's been called the greatest song ever, which I thought was a little misguided, because the best song ever, Macarena by Los Del Rio (bet you didn't know the name of the artist), has already been made.
Gangnam Style is particular noteworthy for its ability to drive people on to unstable furniture and dance, allowing the rest of us to delight in watching other human beings in tragedy.
Giant eyeball found on Florida beach
And now, for the greatest what the actual fuck story of the year that you didn't hear about, and possibly of all time. The title tells you everything you need to know. A giant eyeball washed up on the shores of Florida.
Apparently the eyeball belongs to a sword fish, but that's only half the story. The question that needs to be answered is, how the fuck did it wash up on shore? I like to think that the ocean says to itself once in a while, "This is going to fuck with someone. Let's throw it at dry land." The other theory is an alleged murder on the set of Spongebob Square Pants.
And that's all I care to write right now. I look forward to 2013 when a giant fanged penis washes up on the shores of Vancouver. It's nice when stories write themselves.