Every once in awhile, strange forces are at work that coerce me into self-mutilation. I am called upon to experience several small, but very painful and degrading injuries, for no reason or purpose at all. Today is one of those days, sadly. My clumsiness and the ominous death traps peppered throughout my household have achieved perfect harmony, resulting in the most miserable day ever. I've decided to barricade myself in my room and chronicle the injuries I've endured today for your pleasure, because I bet you think this is funny. Well I got news for you, this isn't funny. This is shit:
8. I got a golf club up my ass
Hahaha, nah, this didn't actually happen. I just wanted to grab your attention.
Actual 8. I pulled my groin
Time: 8:37am
Desire To Kill Someone: Negligible, outweighed by desire to eat breakfast
This morning I had a dream that I was in a car with my friends Sophia and Brendan. Brendan couldn't stop laughing for some reason, Sophia was carrying a sack of potatoes, and I was dressed in nothing but my underwear. I woke up from whatever that signifies at 8:25. At 8:37, I got my ass out of bed. When I did, the first thing I did was step on my keys, which caused me to slide across my floor and pull my groin. I hate pulling my groin. It's like my leg and testicles are confused as to which one should be in pain. But lest we forget, not only did I pull my groin, but I stepped on my jagged keys as well. I like to call that the jackpot.
7. I smashed my hand on a door knob
Time: 8:39am
Desire To Kill Someone: Nugatory, I still want breakfast
I felt as if I didn't have quite enough fun stepping on my keys and pulling my groin, so I took it upon myself two minutes later to walk out into my hallway, and wildly hurl my hand into a door knob. It's the most pain I've endured in awhile, which is confusing because I wasn't swinging my arm, and I wasn't moving fast at all. Regardless, my hand and the door knob collided with tremendous force, resulting in a sonic boom, and me in a crumpled mess on the floor. It's like the door knob was a cruel metaphor for... something, I can't think of a good example.
6. I smashed my elbow on a wall
Time: 9:45am
Desire To Kill Someone: Rising
Injury number three is usually when I start to realize something is up, especially if that injury is something stupid that could have been easily avoided. That's a niche that my smashed elbow fit beautifully. I just got out of the shower, and for some reason I swung my arm backwards and smashed my elbow on the wall. After it happened, I couldn't even remember why I had swung my arm in that direction in the first place. Is my brain turning on me, or did the evil elbow smashing gremlins lasso my arm? You tell me.
5. I stepped on a nail
Time: 11:00am
Desire To Kill Someone: I'm focused more on the nail in my foot at the moment
Having nothing else to do today, I decided I might as well deposit my cheque from work at the bank, so I went outside to snatch my bike. Normally I don't have any problem with this. Little did I know that the outside world is far more perilious than the inside of my house. You see, there are these pieces of wood in my carport that my dad keeps for no goddamn reason, and one piece has little nails sticking out of it. Usually I avoid it or move it, but I was clumsy today, so naturally the only option available to me was to step on the fucker, so that's exactly what I did.
Stepping on a nail is a lot like getting a papercut. You feel like you should be in tremendous pain, but you don't feel anything. The mental aspect is the worst part. There was a nail in my foot, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I felt calm and hysterical at the same time. Frozen in indecision. Being stabbed did strip me of all my desire to deposit that cheque, so I just kinda pulled the nail out of my foot and walked back inside (Don't worry. I put polysporin and a band-aid on it, Mom.), which was a decision equal parts good and bad. Bad in that it lead to more injuries, but good in that I didn't go out into the world. Given my track record, I'd have probably ended up like that poor fucker in Armageddon that The Empire State building falls on. That's about as irrational as fears get. I live in Edmonton. The most that could fall on me here would be a bus shelter or a homeless person.
4. I snapped my neck and ruptured my spleen
Time: 2:30pm
Desire To Kill Someone: It would be nice, but crippling myself is far more interesting
Well this was sure fun. I was sitting here playing videogames, when I felt an enormous sneeze coming on. Now, sneezing and I have never gotten along very well. Something weird or painful always happens, or both. Like that time I had my sleeves rolled up, and I sneezed into my arm, which resulted in a collosal fart noise for my parents at 1 in the morning, or the day I sneezed while eating rice krispies. I decided to see what sneezing had to offer today, so I sneezed.
The sneeze erupted from my face with herculean force, causing a small portion of methane to be discharged from my anal cavity simultaneously. The sneeze was the phonetic equivalent of a blue whale cock slapping a bus. I sneezed so hard, one of my vital organs felt like it detonated inside my body. In this sudden rush of pain, I instantly grabbed my side, and whipped my head in that direction to... I guess survey the damage? Whatever I was thinking, all I ended up doing was snapping my neck. I just kind of rolled onto my bed, clutching my neck and my side. On reflection, that was probably the best time to just hurl myself out my window, but I decided on curling into a ball and writhing in agony instead.
3. I stubbed the same toe three times
Incident ATime: 4:17pm
Desire To Kill Someone: DEFCON 2
First I decided to stub my toe on a wall, and that really hurt. Not only because of the immediate pain you feel after you stub your toe, but your spirit takes a hit as well. You'd think a wall would be an easy thing to avoid.
Incident B
Time: 4:19pm
Desire To Kill Someone: I've already purchased a rug to roll your ass up in
Two minutes later, I stubbed that very same toe on the table in my television room. My mom was in the next room reading on complexity theory, so I had to for-go my usual practice of biting something and swearing extremely loudly. Worst of all, I was going downstairs to watch The Day After Tomorrow, which has Dennis Quaid in it. That made it worse somehow.
Incident C
Time: 5:04pm
Desire To Kill Someone: Unable to summon enthusiasm
That toe was nothing if not eager to hurl itself into every blunt object imaginable in my house. This time I was going on my computer, so I pulled out my chair, and I stubbed my toe on one of the wheels. Somehow it just didn't occur to me that my chair has wheels, and that it would probably hurt if I rammed one into my toe, until it was too late. You may have noticed that I referred to my toe in the past tense at the beginning of this paragraph. That's because I shit-canned his ass.
2. A crumb lodged itself in my arm
Time: 6:14pm
Desire To Kill Someone: Far too defeated to bother
I was in my room playing guitar, when I was called for supper. I sat down, and I put my right arm down on the table. Tragically I didn't have the innate foresight to notice that the sharpest crumb in the world was lingering on that section of the table that very moment, and I was rewarded with an awkward pain that defies classification. It felt a lot like... getting a crumb embedded in my flesh. I got a fucking crumb stuck in my arm, what do you say to that?
1. I canned myself
Time: 6:47pm
Reaction: "No..."
Desire To Kill Someone: After I'm finished moarning for my sweet, sweet testicles
What better way to cap off an uplifting day of disquieting injuries than whipping myself in the testicles? That question was rhetorical. So I go up to my room after supper, make a facebook update about my mom saying a girl I know should be "horse-whipped and thrown outside", knowing that everyone will be interested in it, then I noticed my xbox 360 controller is sitting on my bed. I could have just left it there, but I was compelled to roll up the cord and put it away. I was rewarded for my good work ethic appropriately. I rolled up the cord a little too vigorously, and I slapped myself in the testicles with it.
I have nothing further to add. I'm going to do something else now that hopefully doesn't result in injury. Although no matter which way I turn, this fruit fly that's currently flying around my room, is going to end up flying into my eye at some point this evening. Whatever it is that I've done, I'm sorry. Please make it stop.
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