Since the only memories I have from childhood involve me being awesome and making out with hot chicks, I can't narrow down exactly when I made the conscious decision to not care about current events that didn't involve me. All I knew when I was a kid was that the news is boring and I have cartoons to watch. Not a lot has changed since my childhood. Nowadays the only energy I'm ever determined enough to expend is to play videogames, examine the lint that sometimes collects in my bellybutton and scratch my ass a bunch. You could say I'm lazy, but I just can't bring myself to care about current events, especially because they pose no threat to me, and without a clearer understanding of who will be impressed.
Not knowing anything about current events doesn't exactly hinder your social abilities. All my friends and I talk about is our farts. Our conversations wouldn't be more lively even if we all cared about shit like The Gold Standard or trade tariffs. Wait, are those even current events or just things that sort of exist? Anyway, a lot of people lately have been trying to convince me that the current events at time of writing are a big deal, often hysterically, and scold me for being an uninformed, dick-brained asstard. It's been happening so much lately, I've been forced to write an article venting my completely reasonable frustrations. Here's a list of current events you can stop bugging me about:
5. Korea and China
So apparently Korea and China are two of the biggest issues of the present day, which surprises me. Where the hell is Japan? Is no one bothered by all the robots and all that tentacley porn madness? Are people just desensitized now, or did Godzilla finally eat the country? Whenever people complain to me about asian people, I'm accustomed to hearing only three things. The food they ate last night was the greatest thing they've ever eaten, but made them hate themselves shortly after consumption, asian drivers are the most god awful drivers on the face of the planet, until someone puts their pet bear behind the wheel, and finally, I just got my fucking ass kicked at StarCraft. I actually don't know anything else about asian people, so Korea and China being a problem lately is extra confusing, especially because people can't even explain exactly why they're a big deal, so I decided to look into it to see what all the fuss is about.
After my tireless research of watching an episode of Holmes of Homes, I learned that China is one of the biggest issues nowdays because they make all our stuff faster, cheaper and don't treat their workers right or something, and are supposedly taking over the world. I would say I don't care, but it's more like I don't mind. Someone else can care about that. Korea is a big deal, or more specifically, North Korea is the problem, because it's baseball bat shit insane and is now a nuclear power. Hysterical people tell me that I should be worried about how they are poised to use these weapons, and I don't even care about that. Even if the koreans were stupid enough to launch a nuke, why would they aim it at canada? It'd just freeze a couple miles above the surface and plop pathetically to the ground. Then I'd walk up to the dead shell and fuck it.
I guess I could read a book and learn exactly why China is such a big deal, but c'mon, reading? Who has that kind of time?
4. The Large Hadron Collider
I happened upon a story about something called The Large Hadron Collider one day, and decided to read about it because I thought it sounded stupid. Also because the person who brought it to my attention seemed to be in such an enormous panic, I was forced to assume he set himself on fire or woke up next to a panther in the morning.
The article was peppered with fancy scientific jargon, which I've always wondered if scientists even understand themselves, or just use big words a bunch to try and get laid. Hey, scientists are kinda like me! Anyway, I didn't understand absolutely everything, but basically this collider is a giant ass machine that will give us fascinating insight into the mysteries of the universe. It's also literally named, which disappoints me. Scientists came up with a word that's like 400 characters long. You're telling me you couldn't think of a cool name for this machine? I got one for you: The Colossal Matter Fucker. Tell me that isn't awesome. I swear, I should be a highly paid humour consultant.
Anyway, I have no problem with advances in humanity's understanding of the universe, so I thought it was interesting. It was a good read, but then something happened. Well first they turned it on and it broke, so hahahahaha, but that's not what I mean. People happened. With every new advancement in science or technology comes hysterical people, and this was no exception. It's like when companies upgrade their software. Odds are the bulk of the employees hate it, and the only coping mechanism is screaming madness. Now imagine potentially rewriting the fundamental laws of the universe. I don't see the big deal either, but some people care about this kind of stuff.
People weren't even worried for a good reason. People were worried that this machine was going to create a black hole that would suck up the earth and kill us all in an instant. Whether there was science to back up this concern is beyond me. Even if there was, why would you ever be worried about such a thing? That sounds fucking cool! Come on, guys. The world isn't going to end when they turn it on, settle down. If it actually does? Well, fuck.
3. Swine Flu
Sweet jesus people refuse to shut up about swine flu. I read about it in passing when it first surfaced, and didn't even make it halfway through the story before deciding that clipping my toenails or doing my laundry was more interesting. What I didn't know at the time is that the story had resulted in a pandemic, and I would soon hear and see nothing but swine flu panic everywhere I went. I was hearing stories of people being quarantined, they were shutting down schools left and right, including mine, people were wearing masks all over the city and they almost shut down the fucking University of Alberta.
I didn't see a reason to worry, so I just enjoyed my week off school. I took to being cooly detached from genuine concern, and lo and behold, it served me nicely, because from what I can tell, that initial senseless fear and panic is over and people don't really care about swine flu anymore. Sadly there are still people out there who haven't been informed that it's not a big deal anymore, so I'm still hearing shit like, "It's sweeping the planet!" or "There's no cure!"
For those that are still convinced that swine flu is a serious problem, consider this. I could go to the trouble of organizing and making sense of the many scattered facts and figures about swine flu, just to see if it's actually dangerous. I could compare the casualties of swine flu to say, regular flu casualties, or alcohol, smoking and car accident casualties per day, just to show you the massive difference. I could, but at what point will you realize that there are bigger problems out there than swine flu? Take precautions if you feel you must, but don't throw yourself into a panic, and certainly don't bother me about it. I don't care about these things for a good reason.
What people should be concerned with is the odourless, incurable plague that has already swept the planet. It's called Facebook. People update that shit from their phones... God help us all.
2. The Global Recession
I remember a time not too long ago where my life was a cavalcade of sunshine and happiness, then when I, when we all least expected it, BAM, we were plunged into economic crisis. It was the result of a financial crisis. There was a rapid increase in valuations of property, then there was some deregulation of real estate mortgages, then some other stuff happened that I'm too lazy to explain, and investment and commercial banks across the globe suffered enormous losses, some even on the verge of bankruptcy, then there was a bailout or something?
I'm not sure if any of that is accurate, in order or if I missed anything. Doing actual research isn't my cup of tea. I have pockets of information on what happened after everything, but a figure that should tickle you a little is the 20 million jobs that have been lost. A legion of lazy teenagers, not being paid to do things slowly and wrong.
Of course, that's a figure that should tickle you, and when I said my life was a cavalcade of fun things in the first paragraph, I should have said that it hasn't changed. I've been quite content through this whole crisis ignoring it completely. People kept telling me that the economic crisis was horrible, and I just kept agreeing with everyone, without a clear understanding of the scale of it all. I could have solved that problem by doing some light research or watching the news, but if you've been paying attention through this article, you've probably figured out that I don't care about anything. What, will the world's problems suddenly be solved in a 20 year old man writing a satire article starts caring about stuff? My contribution to society is urinating on public property, stop bothering me about this goddamn recession. Also, I have a job so haha, eat my ass.
1. 2012
This one disgusts me. It's stupid, it shouldn't even be a current event. Swine flu makes more sense than this. So apparently there's this calendar that's going to "run out" or something on December 21st 2012, resulting in cataclysmic and apocalyptic events that will rip the earth apart and kill us all, and recently this has become a bit of a concern for a lot of people. Like, a ridiculous amount of people. People who I suspect can't be sexually satisfied until they read about the end of the world. What is so attractive about this subject anyway? What the fuck did the earth ever do to you?
This calendar thing doesn't even make sense. There's so many questions left unanswered. How exactly will a calendar running out be the catalyst for... whatever it is that's supposed to rip our planet apart? Come to think of it, what exactly is supposed to rip our planet apart? Meteors? Storms? Earthquakes? A black hole? Bears? I don't think this is ever really specified. Furthermore, since I live in Canada, will the world end over in Europe before it ends over here? They'll be in December 21st before I am. That's straight up cruelty right there.
What we have here is a classic case of incredibly vague apocalypse theory. As a general rule of thumb, if you have no scientific evidence to support what you're saying, that tends to invalidate everything you're saying. You'd be surprised how long I can keep verbally kicking 2012 in the balls, but I can sum up my feelings towards 2012 rather quickly. Remember back in 2000 when the world ended? Oh that's right, because it fucking didn't. How is 2012 any different? Some people with no understanding of the modern world wrote it on a piece of parchment hundreds and hundreds of years ago? Is it so hard to admit that people who lived years before us believed in some really stupid shit?
It's just a bunch of gullible, paranoid, superstitious idiots thrown into a panic for no reason. Nothing is going to happen in the December of 2012. I guarantee it, and certainty is a rare commodity. But go ahead, take all the necessary precautions you want. I'll be the guy sitting here in January 2013, laughing my ass off. Unless the world actually does end, inwhich case, I'll see you in hell, won't I?
Now stop bothering me about all this shit. My hands are tired from strangling people all the time.
No comments:
Post a Comment