You see, I had the day off work today, so I planned to seize this day, this opportunity, to take positive strides in my life, to make my life better. Something had definitely lit a fire under my ass, but sadly forgot to fill the cauldron, so I ended up squandering the entire day doing absolutely nothing. It was a little disgusting, to be honest. If only I had been able to summon any enthusiasm today, I could have:
7. Went for a bike ride
There are a number of convenient activities that one can engage in to get in shape. You can pick up a sport like soccer, basketball or volleyball where all you have to do is run around and either kick, pound or throw balls. You can also go jogging, which is basically just walking a little faster than normal. At that point you have no excuses for not trying something to get in shape, excusing the generally absurd clothes you have to wear and perhaps extreme allergies. But none of those activities I listed actually matter, because the best one ever is also the one I enjoy the most: biking.
This summer it was my intention to make an upstanding effort towards getting in better shape. I'm not a big tub of goo or anything, but the winter usually makes me feel like one. After a few weeks of rigorous biking, I'm happy to report success in my endeavour. After biking every day and eating healthier, I find myself to be more energetic, I'm falling asleep easier, and good god, the shits I'm taking? Terrifying, and strangely buoyant. Now, when you set your mind to something, it's a good idea to keep determined and sternly refuse to flounder. So after playing soccer on sunday and biking on monday, I wanted to keep the streak alive by going for one long ass bike ride this morning.
What did I do instead?
I slept in like a goddamn cow, or some other animal that sounds lazy. I slept so well and for so long, I'm pretty sure I could have been pronounced legally dead. The thought of having to get up, put some pants on, make and eat breakfast, brush my teeth, go outside then go biking for a few hours, it was too much. I didn't even get as far as making and eating breakfast. Simply having to put pants on put me off the idea immediately. There was also definitely a point in there somewhere when I scratched my ass.
6. Registered for upgrading courses
It's amazing how times and people change. For example, I actually garnered enjoyment from school when I was a kid. I enjoyed going, I enjoyed the atmosphere, and I enjoyed feeling superior to everyone else because I already played three sports, played two instruments, had a mild understanding of C++ and Calculus, and I wrote a book. Granted, it wasn't a very good book, it was based off of my lego creations, but a book nonetheless. Incidentally, I may have also enjoyed cocaine.
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| Cake is awesome too. Just throwing that out there |
It was right around the time junior high hit when I started experiencing withdrawal issues at not having recess anymore, and the little hairs manifesting around my nipples were more interesting than school. The math equations at that stage had more than three numbers, and that just didn't fly with me. Then when high school hit, you could have simulated my existence just as well by poorly drawing a face on a plank of wood, much like the rest of the student body, with the exception of people on school teams, those shaved-legged cunts. Well the first two years were fine, I just stopped going in grade 12 because it was a pointless bullshit year.
If you're wondering why, well first they wouldn't let me in to two courses despite having the required prerequisites. When I asked why, it was like trying to hold a discussion with a flock of pigeons that'd been huffing nitrous oxide. Then my guitar teacher would leave 10 minutes into the class and never come back, my teacher for another course didn't exist, and finally, my social teacher talked about conspiracy theories every single class instead of teaching the course. He once brought up that fake story about subliminal messages being used in movie theaters, and when the audience was flashed pictures of popcorn, suddenly everyone got hungry or something. I raised my hand and suggested that maybe people just like eating popcorn at movies, then he insulted my heritage infront of the entire class. We were supposed to be studying ideologies... People are so surprised when I tell them that I hate school.
But a year and a half after high school, I felt I was ready to finish my courses. I simply had to head into the city to register, and today was the perfect day to do it. It's summer, and it's one of the rare days that it's actually warm, so women walk around in skirts and tan their titties and stuff, it's awesome. Nothing could go wrong.
What did I do instead?
I'm sure it would have been a fulfilling endeavour, but I'm afraid that I was still too busy refusing to leave my bed. You'd think I would be more open to getting up after I farted in my own sheets twice, but my bed was abnormally comfy. It didn't want me to leave. I think it wanted to have sex with me, which is probably the plot to some japanese manga, come to think of it. Or maybe it's because I'm so used to sleeping on tires. Eventually I did get up, and I'm fairly certain that right when the bus that I could have been on was leaving, I was taking a huge piss in my toilet. A frighteningly long one too. I could have drowned my neighbour's annoying cat with my urine. I rationalized this decision later by telling myself that going pee was more fulfilling than getting my life back on track, or rather, unfulfilling! BAH HAHAHAHA! Get it, because I'm peeing? Sorry, I'll stop.
5. Learned how to drive
Driving is an invaluable skill that makes your life more convenient, just slightly ruins the environment, and unintentionally promotes laziness. It's a skill that I probably should have invested time in earlier in life, so that when I eventually charm the right woman with my ceaseless arsenal of stale jokes, I won't have to enlist the services of my mommy to take us to the movies, or take the bus with weird smelling hippies and drunken homeless people. However, for the past few months, I've been studying the driver's handbook relentlessly, dead set on taking and passing the learners exam, perhaps even violating it slightly in the process.
I felt I was as prepared as I'm ever going to be, and this morning was a wondrous opportunity to just go in and get it done. I was going to be in the area anyway after registering my courses, why not go for it? That is also question I encourage men to think of while they're making out with sexy ladies, minus the registering courses bit. And when I say that I was in the area, I mean that the registry is literally 30 seconds walking distance from the school, so the only excuse I could have had to skip out on that would be if I got shot or attacked by a mob of women. All signs pointed to yes. If I had opened a fortune cookie, it would have slapped me in the face and screamed, "fuck yeah!" That is the best joke I've come up with today.
What did I do instead?
If you've been paying attention thus far, you may remember how I was going to the bathroom instead of going to school. When the thought of taking the learners exam came into my head, if I remember correctly, that is about when I treated myself to a bowl of cheerios so big, if I had any kind of decency in general, nevermind the decency to share, realistically I could have fed about 10 people. But I didn't. I poured that bowl and shamelessly ate all those sexy cheerios all by myself. It's not that driving isn't important to me, it's just not important today. Unless my hypothetical girlfriend who wanted to see a movie today was prepared to carry me, or show up at my house with a saddle on her back, I reserve the evening for microwaved spaghetti and Halo.
4. Met a nice girl
For a guy like me, it's difficult to meet women. I work in a kitchen, so I don't interact with customers often, and I hate going out to the bar. That doesn't open too many doors. However, I've been in a good mood lately, feeling pretty good about myself. I'm staying in shape, making money, eventually going back to school despite the set back this morning, and hey, if there's a law against being handsome, guilty as charged. So I had all the confidence in the world today. It was my day off, why not go out and shamelessly hit on girls? I'm sure nice ones exist somewhere, and I'm sure I could get one of them to fall in love with me.
What did I do instead?
Nothing, really. That confidence I mentioned earlier, I just used it to line up sick no scopes in Halo 3. A good, normal excuse would be that the promise of bear mace and getting a boot in the testicles detracted from the idea of flirting with women slightly, but no. I'm more honest and realistic. I think that since I now wash dishes and make appetizers in a restaurant, the only thing I have to do now is move into my mommy's basement and the ladies will simply come to me. Then I just proceed from that point.
3. Wrote a hit song
Have you ever just been sitting in your house alone, all manner of inspiring, extraordinary ideas racing through your mind, but you can't seem to pinpoint exactly what it is you want to do, and you forget to write shit down, so you just sit there doing nothing and eventually all that adrenaline has been leeched from your body and you hate yourself? Story of my life. But today was different. Rather than let my grandiose ideas and energy go to waste, I decided to channel it and focus it on music. I've been playing guitar since I was four, and I do enjoy writing from time to time, why not combine the two and write a hit song?
It's not hard to write a song. Think about a girl that pissed you off once, write two paragraphs about how she's a bitch and repeat a certain line over and over again for the chorus. Bingo. Blink 182 only used about five chords for the entirety of Enema of the State, I'm sure I can handle writing one song. With a catchy beat and deep lyrics, I would soon be having sex with ladies on top of my enormous money pile, because people don't write music for any other reason, except acquiring drugs.
What did I do instead?
I watched Mantracker. It was off the hook! Mantracker did all this dramatic stuff like closely examining irregular debris in the forest to gauge the direction his victims went in, then he chased down this poor woman who felt it was a good idea to run through an open field. The man has a goddamn horse, lady. What were you thinking? Then he caught her partner and gave his ass the beatdown in the middle of the forest. Hahaha, he fell down then tried to get back up, then fell over again and Mantracker shut him down, "Had enough, bitch?" The dude was obviously gay too, which made it a little bit more funny. And to think I used to think this show was retarded! Needless to say, I forgot about the song fairly quickly. Besides, Justin Timberlake already stole my idea for Rock Your Body, so what's the point?
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| My beautiful eyeball fucking hollowed out lite-brite cube... Damn you, Justin! |
2. Wrote a best selling book
You may have already guessed that I enjoy writing a little bit and think I'm extremely funny. You've also probably figured it out by now that I had the whole day off. Maybe it's because I've mentioned it about six times now. Pay attention, asshole. So after failing to make myself leave my house, I had nothing to do all day. Normally I just sit around coming up with knock knock jokes, but why not employ this time to a useful end, like parlaying my satirical, offensive writing talents into a best selling book? I've written books before, it aren't that hard. It can't possibly be that difficult to assemble a best seller in a single day. That bitch Stephen King does it all the time.
What did I do instead?
I filmed my music video to "Sucks To be You" by Prozzak. There's always the possibility that I could somehow become a professional writer some day, so I will be getting paid to horrify you. If that ever happens, I figured it would be wise to have a video sitting around of exactly who any potential future employers will be dealing with.
1. Hell, I could have done my laundry
Clean clothes are like the garden hose, they're both nice things to have around when you get dog shit on you somehow. On the days that I work, I don't have time to do laundry. First I sleep in, then I eat cereal, then I play videogames for several hours, then I shower, then I refuse to do laundry, then I go to work. Cut me some slack, it's a demanding schedule. But there was no schedule today, because I had the day off wor- oh come on. I had the whole day infront of me to pick up my laundry basket, walk downstairs, and throw my shit in the laundry machine. It practically does all the work for me.
What did I do instead?
I just didn't do my laundry, so I have to continue wearing this underwear for the next two days, because I don't plan on doing my laundry tomorrow either. Wait a minute, why didn't I go out and meet a girl today? I'm irresistible. So what do I plan on tomorrow? Pressing my ass against my front window to see how many people notice sounds like a good place to start.
Incase you're wondering, yes, I made that all up for the sake of comedy, to congratulate myself in about the weirdest way possible. You see, I actually did do all that stuff today, minus meeting the nice girl part. Psh, women. Misleading the innocence with their disingenuous emotions, who needs them? Incidentally, I'm still not gay.
